BPDFamily.com

I am making some realisations about myself in the aftermath of my painful and brief, intense time being married to a man with BPD.

I need to reflect on my Inner Life.  I have grown up learning to be emotionally enmeshed with others.  As children, my siblings and I were leaked all over, emotionally-speaking, by our parents, notably by our mother. Our father was a very absent presence in our lives.  But he too leaked his stuff, disapproval and irritation, all over us.

I am sorting through my Inner Life, and trying to decide what I can own as mine, and what is not mine.  It is still very blurry and vague to me.  I know that being a people-pleaser, a co-dependent, and thinking that everyone else is more entitled to love and validation than me, is definitely not my stuff.

Being anxious about my life and having no real sense of agency to bring about positive change in my life, is also something that was leaked onto me by my co-dependent mother.

Thinking that I need a partner at all costs, that I am nothing when I am not part of a couple, is also not my stuff.  The desperation behind it is something I picked up from my mother, who has an extremely morbid fear of being alone.

The belief that I always need to prove myself as worthy, that I must just toughen up and get on with things and not sit around feeling sorry for myself, that I must always be pro-active and busy, this belief belongs to my late father.

Wow, I have been carrying a lot of other people's stuff around with me for a long time... .

... . "Wow, I have been carrying a lot of other people's stuff around with me for a long time... . "... .

Sorting out "our stuff" from "other people's stuff" is a huge step and I congratulate you for seeing the difference.  For some this can take a very long time and in the absence of counseling for some it may never happen.

I did spend two years "investing in myself" if you will through counseling and my own personal work.  We invest in our careers, our financial future, spiritual future, etc ,etc and somehow we don't realize the value of and the benefits of taking personal inventory of ourselves emotionally as well.

Keep striving.