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I understand that those with BPD can be empathetic but I don't have this experience. My BPD seems totally selfish. He has some narcissism which means that he will only do tyhings which are in his own interests. If I ever get upset about our situation, or try to tell him that I'm upset about something he's said or done he tells me I always turn things round to my needs and he is the one with the illness. Any advice, please?

When my BPD dd was small I used to joke that she was empathy impaired.   That was long before I even knew what BPD was.  At the time I thought she was just emotionally immature and would eventually grow out of it.  Well, it stopped being funny and at 21 she has yet to grow out of it.  Sometimes I think what few expressions of empathy she displays are more learned responses than heart felt empathy.

It's a shallow sense of empathy. pwBPD are emotionally stuck at an immature stage, for the most part, as Gladys points out with her daughter. I can strip away the intellect and adult experience of my uBPDx and compare her to our S4, and S4 seems to exhibit more empathy than she does in a lot of cases. I think the uncontrollable and intense feelings which are fleeting, don't lend a mind to dwelling upon a particular feeling long enough to integrate it deeply into their psyches. I found this discussion enlightening:

Emotional Immaturity (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0)

4. Egocentricity Egocentricity is self-centeredness. It’s major manifestation is selfishness. It is associated with low self-esteem. Self-centered people have no regard for others, but they also have only slight regard for themselves. An egocentric person is preoccupied with his own feelings and symptoms. He demands constant attention and insists on self-gratifying sympathy, fishes for compliments, and makes unreasonable demands. He is typically overly-competitive, a poor loser, perfectionistic, and refuses to play or work if he can’t have his own way.

A self-centered person does not see himself realistically, does not take responsibility for his own mistakes or deficiencies, is unable to constructively criticize himself, and is insensitive to the feelings of others. Only emotionally mature people can experience true empathy, and empathy is a prime requirement for successful relationships.

I think my DD has very limited empathy skills, she doesn't easily see when other people are distressed. However she does show genuine feeling for animals and small children if they are being treated badly.  It has to be something very obvious and extreme.

She picked a big fight when I was coming round from the anaesthetic after an operation. No idea I might not be feeling like mediating between her and other family members!

There is a chapter in Valerie Porr's book about "mentalization"- a way of teaching people with BPD to see another person's perspective in tandem with their own.

It sounds as if it would require a lot of patience over a long time but I am trying to use a few ideas from that chapter.