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i am now have been in NC for couple of weeks. Still i get the self doubts, guilt and shame (which i know are not real). I have an idea to contact her exbf through a fake fb account with a message asking if he knows someone who was close to him with BPD and i would suggest if he does not know what is this disorder then he should check it out and get back to me. I really want to talk to this guy to reassure myself that it is not me. is this a good idea or will it shift the situation to chaos ?

Hello antony_james.  A couple thoughts as alternative perspective.


Self-doubts, guilt, and shame -- in my opinion -- are "real" in that these are emotions that reside within us.   We can "hold" these emotions rather than "repress" or "express" -- but I think it's worth learning to identify, label, and work with emotions that arise within us.


You asked for comment, and here's my opinion:   not a good idea.   

We all wrestle with the end of our relationships.  We all have self-doubt.

Why triangulate with a third person?  It makes us play "victim" when, perhaps, it would be more helpful to work with our emotions.  The sooner we look for answers WITHIN ourselves, the sooner we begin healing.   Period.   That's my opinion.

I agree with Letting Go. First of all, never have the phrases "fake Facebook account" and "good idea" been used in the same sentence. Second of all, it was not just you. That requires acceptance on your part, and that acceptance has to come from within. Even though it may arm otherwise, no amount of "confirmation" from outside will convince you. It may for a short time, but the thoughts will invariably creep back until you've reached acceptance. That takes time, and in the meantime, I wouldn't complicate things with moves like this.

This person is damaged and you can't fix her: that you need to accept. But you also have areas that need work, areas that drew you to this person in the first place, and THOSE you can work on.

Greetings.  I understand the self-doubt and the questioning of ourselves, especially when we have been in a relationship with a BPD for a long time.  In my case it was in total about 6 years and included marriage.

The constant barrage to our boundaries or lack of, the constant attacks to our self-worth, self-esteem, the "taking the blame" for the chaos and more eventually leaves us wondering if we really were the problem or at least a big part of the reason for their behavior.  I know that emotional place.  I was there once.  I also went through the "considering contacting the ex husband", family members and so on to find peace within myself - to convince myself that I was reasonably healthy but simply got involved in a really bad relationship with a person that has a personality disorder.

Ultimately I found my answers, healing and growth through my own personal work, and the two years I spent in counseling working on me.  I not only dealt with the realization of the "relationship" and why it was likely doomed, but MORE importantly what was it about me that kept me in an abusive and very unhealthy relationship for so long?  Was I trying to rescue her? (white knight), was my own sense of self-esteem already low even before she came into my life?  :)id I have healthy boundaries at any time in my life?  Were there common threads in my relationships, where she was simply the worst of the worst?

I learned that it was my own sense of self at that time, that actually contributed to the overall dance and exactly what she had exploited.  I don't believe you will find the answers and peace you seek by trying to find answers through others.  It may help to know others have had the same experiences as you had with her, but will not answer the deeper questions about ourselves that help us not only avoid these types of relationships, but allow us to grow and experience life in much healthier and peaceful way. 

Not a good idea.

1. Much like it's not your GF responsibility to ensure your next relationship knows about you, it's not your job to "save" someone you don't know. Stop being the white knight. Focus on yourself and moving on.

2. This would be perceived by her as you attacking or sabotaging her, and she will respond in kind.

Hey antony, it's normal to wrestle with self-doubt, guilt and shame after a b/u with a pwBPD.  You mention that you've been NC for a "couple of weeks," which is a relatively short period of time in which to begin healing.  It's hard to break the cycle with a pwBPD and I think we all tend to clutch at various straws initially as we try to make sense of how we got into the BPD mess in the first place, but contacting her exBF will only make matters worse, in my view.  LJ

@ arjay -- like what you are saying!