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Yet another post... .

I´m having a dark day really. Been a year since I eventually decided to break it off with my ex BPD. NC for 6 months. Not a single day of not thinking about her or our relationship, which made me emotionally and financially hurt.

She is now in a new relationship, pregnant and all I hear is how happy she is and she is painting me as mentally ill with our mutual friends. I know that is the "normal" behaviour for BPd´s

Anyway I have accepted and been through a lot of soul searching and am happy I´m not there anymore. I have built myself up again. I´m doing a lot of possitive things.

The problem is this. I have dated a few girls since our breakup. I find it really hard to feel something towards other women. For example I´ve been seeing a girl who is nice and everything is really good "on paper". She´s is cute, she is good to talk to, great sex and I should be interested... . but I´m not.

I am not getting my "fix" anymore, like with her.  It seems I am not capable of feeling emotions after the breakup. I was a passionate guy before, but I just can´t got to the next step. Some how I think I wouldn´t matter if the girl of my dreams should show up on my doorstep, I would not have the emotional capacity to deal with it.

Is that really the way that a BPD relationship does do to you... . leave you emotionally numb, scared and I just can´t get her away from my mind. It´s like a daily routine to think about past moments and memories.

I´m so sick of this... . feeling really depressed now. Especially since I´ve done a lot of work since our break up.

Just feeling sometimes I am forever "damaged".

Feeling a lot of anxiety and so sick of having her in my head... .

:'(

Maybe the key now is in understanding what the "fix" was exactly?


I have my ex in my mind quite often unfortunately and it is associated with cruelty, heartless behavior and lies. I think over time it will slowly go away. I hope yours goes away too.

Tomjon i am sorry to hear that. for how long did your relationship last with your BPD ? Did you think about seeing a therapist ? For most of the people ending a relationship with a BPD is a life awakening event. Apart from that these people are diseased, we discover that we have issues. One of the things i have learned from my experience is that no one can make you happy. relationship makes you HAPPIER. single people are happy by themselves, of course a partner would make them happier. I have been waiting for this dream girl to make me happy and wash away all the pain and sadness in my life. Ironically the BPD come to hammer the last half an inch over your head, your "rescuer" becomes the devil of your life. YOUR FIX IS WITHIN YOURSELF. you do not need anyone to be happy. You need YOU. i know this will sound like irrational (it did to me some time ago) you are probably like just give me my hit of cocaine i will be fine. One of the few real gifts that a pwBPD give you is the awakening call to yourself, your thoughts, behaviour and attitude towards life.

Hi tomjon

I feel with you, sounds like you are not the same like before.

I had similar thoughts like others here about "the fix". I am wondering too if perhaps you are missing the sensations meeting the dream girl while you are more with real life woman right now?

Or perhaps you are deep inside just very scared you could made again bad experiences? Like if I really say yes to another woman she will turn into someone dangerous and damaging? And keeping the fear silent can make it difficult to feel other emotions as well.

Just some thoughts.

We are very hard on ourselves.  It's something worth acknowledging.

For a long time, I wrestled with ghosts.  I compared my low level of "happiness" with an imagined high level of happiness for my ex-girlfriend, who in her words had "moved on" and found a replacement.

I was "stuck" in the story I told myself, and I tried to repress the "feeling bad" and get a "fix" of validation from my ex.

Tomjon -- what helped me is dropping the story I told myself.  I have no idea if my ex is happy or not, and I'll never know.   I am welcoming feeling bad now, because it lets me process it.   And, slowly, something inside of me is starting to shift.   

I hope you can begin by re-framing yourself with kindness.  We start where we are, and radical acceptance can help immensely.

Tomjon--Maybe you are just putting up a wall because you are scared?  I went through this when I was first divorced (nonBPD).  I was so afraid of going through it all again that I put up a wall that "no woman was going to get through".  It took a very patient lady to break down my wall and allow me to be me again.  Looking back I can see the wall now, but I could not see it at the time.  The damage does take time to heal.

Hey tomjon, A good place to start might be to pay attention to small desires.  Figure out what you really like.  Be on the lookout for "golden threads" that lead to things that make you happy.  You mentioned that your new friend is great on paper, yet maybe she is not right for you.  It sounds like you are just going through the motions.  Listen to your gut feelings.  To whom are you attracted?  If the answer is no one at the moment, that's OK.  Just be patient.  Lucky Jim

Tomjon

It's a process. Recovery is different for everyone. Most of us have been had the same feelings you are experiencing. Mine lasted over 6 months after no contact. I could not stop comparing my ex to the women i met. I finally stopped worrying about finding the "right"person and decided to just live life and take what it gives me when It comes to women.

Recently I met a woman that I really like.  It is so nice to be in a grown up relationship, sharing thoughts, feelings, and having someone truly care about my own well being. The ex pwBPD traits and the "good times" we had are quickly becoming a distant memory. The thought of going back to that chaos is disgusting. Will I slip back into missing her again?  We will see, but I have too much to offer to someone who appreciates me as a human being and a partner. The months and months I spent pining over this woman seem silly now but it all happened for a reason. I have worked very very hard on myself and I am so happy again. We will all get through this. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Hang in there and let things play out. Life is good on the other side.

I´m wondering about so many things now. I have now been avoiding the girl I´ve been seeing. Somehow not wanting to meet her again and also I seem to be feeling more anxiety.

I´ve been really tired last weeks and a lot of things are reminding me about my breakup and the pain at that time. My therapist said I could have some PTSD symptoms an still recovering.

But a part of me feel that I will never be the same again. I feel that the joy in my life is so far away. I´m struggling and all I just wan´t to is to be happy again. I´m really not there.

The strange thing is even though I´ve worked so hard and got myself sane and healthy again I´m still feeling depressed and thinking about the future.

Yes I´m scared of women now... . that´s for sure. Not feeling comfortable and thinking that I will never find love again.

I am exactly where you are.  It's been the worst experience of my life.  I never felt this way with my ex husband of who I had two children with and was with on and off for 12 years.  Yet this one year relationship (if you could call it that) reduced me to nothing.

I went on a date a few months back and had an anxiety attack after and broke into hives.  I find no one attractive enough to "risk it".  I am much better off health and career wise since my exBPD left me, and my mind knows it was a favor he did leave me, but my heart just can't make sense of it.

I'm backing off dating period until I feel fully healed and ready.  My friend have all gotten fed up with my refusal to be fixed up with their friends.  Most think dating IS the answer for me.  But I feel I know what's best for now.

Take care of YOU first and know there are A LOT of us out here in the same boat.

Hi Sirensong

It seems we are at the same place. I was married for 10 years with woman who I have two children with and my RS with my ex uBPD was over a year. I´m in the same spot. It´s good to know I´m not the only one :)

Been there too guys, married of and on for over 12 years, then I met this one woman... . the BPD "main event"... . and pow anything, and everything that I thought I had dealt with was gone... . opened me up like a clam, and exposed my to the world, with no defenses up, during the worst three years of my life... . and now I left with nothing but tons, of work and self improvement, and more work and being numb to most anything and everyone... . on my own island... . I did learn a lot, and I discovered that I am a full on INFJ... . that has helped me... . but it is taking everything I have to move on, and keep my head up. NC for 6 months... .


Mindfulness

Schema Theory

Observing, and not reacting has helped me immensely, this is the core for me, I why I was so addicted to the chaos a BPD brings... . we seem to react more than most people... .

Eckhart Tolle, listening to his videos, and audio books has helped me... .

I hear you.

Interestingly, I have a few women that have openly shown interest in me the last week or so but I feel really closed down and guarded. I'm tempted to have a fling with one of them but I'm very aware of this being selfish. I need to heal first and then be healthy enough to choose to be with the right person for the right reasons. I'm just not ready, it's early days and even with the most innocent flings, someone always get hurt in some way. It would be ridiculous for me to act out selfishly with someone and use them to take away my pain  and then criticise my ex for her replacement moves. I'm going to keep my karma turning clockwise and lie low on the recovery tip 

This is all pretty normal even though it may feel like it's not. Particularly when you don't really know when it'll all shift.  

I'm scared too (about men), I feel like a different person (in good ways, but also in ways where I feel like I lost pieces of myself), and I too have some serious doubts about finding love again.  I was pretty worried about these things, but you know what? nobody really knows what the future will bring.  I'm staying optimistic, even though sometimes that's a struggle. I know that I'm feeling better than I did even a few months ago.  

Something that I've recently started doing is doing things that I haven't done before that fosters connecting and healing.  I've been spending time with farm animals, feeding, grooming, and just spending time with them.  It has helped foster inner peace, and getting to know the animals is a joy.  It's something I do each day and it's a really wonderful way to end the day.  It puts a smile on my face.  

I guess what I'm saying is what has helped me the most is engaging in things that nurture my soul.  What activities nurture your soul?  

Hang in there, and give it time.  

Well... . having bad days... . I am thinking a lot about my ex. I miss our good moments, I´m angry and just feeling empty inside. I just don´t get what´s going on. I´ve made a lot of progress but I just wish I could erase her from my head.

I guess there are triggers. I´ve met a few people the last week who are mentioning how I´m doing and talking about her and her new boyfriend and she being pregnant.

Well I guess I can´t do anything about it.

Hey tj78, See my previous message (above).  I would suggest that the focus needs to switch from your Ex to you.  Do something nice for yourself.  Be good to yourself.  Get back in touch with the person you were (and still are).  LuckyJim