BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I am 9 months NC and still trying to detach from my uBPDexgf. I try to think about the red flags that I saw, but instead of hitting myself over the head for missing them, I am trying to use them as reasons I cannot and should not be with this person. For example, when my ex and I were talking about having children, one of the things she said was "I can't wait to have children with you, but I'm concerned what will happen once I get bored with them." Huge  red-flag!

My question for you all, especially those who've had children with borderlines, is does this actually happen? Do pwBPD actually lose interest in their children or are they loving? Basically, what is your experience with pwBPD who are parents?

I can't speak for this directly, but I can from the perspective that my xbBPDgf has two college aged kids.  From what I could see she had a VERY close relationship with her kids.  Almost too close as they called her EVERY day to talk to her and tell her about there days (even though they were in college, and even after college).  She would also tell me how one of them would fall asleep with her at night, or how they would stroke her hair until she feel asleep. 

She has such a close relationship that it was creepy to me (and I have kids of my own).

Mine said when we were still just friends, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell." To paraphrase Maya Angelou, when someone tells you something like that, believe it.


I'm still new to this, with S4 and D2. My uBPDx is somewhat "high functioning." When she was still living with me, I did see concerning behaviors. When she was engaged, she was very engaged. I saw, and still see, some emotional detachment. As if handling the children is too much for her sometimes ("you're better with them," she used to say). pwBPD are egocentric like little children themselves. Can a child successfully parent another child? Mine shows empathy (except when she's triggered, and the children can for sure trigger her), but she is also stuck on her own emotions and needs that constant validation. She started detaching from the three of us after D2 was around 6 months old. "Abandoned" us again and again to pursue her love addiction outside of the home. A week before she left, it was acceptable for her to leave me with one kid throwing up, and the other with a sudden onset of fever at night. She went to the gym, then met her guy. Got home an hour after she told me she was going to. No explanation (though I knew what she was doing). I'm not sorry that I felt our children needed more attention at this age than she did. No FOG for me in that regard. I picked up her slack.

BPD is an attachment disorder. No one close to them is immune from BPD behaviors. Children are need validation magnets. It can cross the line into covert incest, as Timcup describes, or at least making the children feel that they are responsible for their BPD parent's feelings (which is also an unhealthy psychological burden to place on immature, developing minds). That's our job as non-partners, and you know it is hard enough for us as adults.

Have you seen this article? Article 8: How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a108.htm)

In my experience, it can go either way really.  My own mother has BPD and she falls in the category of being too close.  She has done her best to keep my sister and I enmeshed with her, to the point of covertly attempting to sabotage our relationships with other people, including both our biological father and step-father.  She has also attempted to undermine us in many ways to keep us close to her, dependent.

My exBPDgf, who I am also nine months out of a relationship with, was the exact opposite.  She left her ex-husband and three year-old daughter to pursue a more exciting life.  She willingly signed away the rights to her daughter for $2,000.