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My BPD/NPD DW is fighting with over money. About two years ago, after DW spent and left me short on paying the mortgage, I stopped putting money into our joint checking account.  I now have my paycheck direct deposited into a separate account from which I pay all the bills. 

For the past five years, I paid for all of our expenses, which has been a slog because we live in a high cost of living area.  Two months, ago DW went back to work and is now earning a good salary ($70K) per year.  I have asked her to help me meet some of joint expenses, especially the mortgage, but she refuses.  She tells me I cannot have any of "her money."  I have tried to paint this as a joint effort, but she will not listen.

Also, she is insisting we "consolidate" accounts.  I have told her I am willing to do so, but that means she also needs to deposit her check into our joint account. She says no.  She then calls me from work every day asking for money to buy lunch or snacks, but I refuse to give it to her.  On principle, she is working and should be able to cover these things herself.  However, she puts it on her credit card and then expects me to pay it. 

I literally think she would let the house go into foreclosure or not fix the brakes on her car rather than "give me" "her money."

The sad part of it is, if she didn't have the BPD/NPD and behave in this way, we would be pretty well off.  We have a current net worth of about $500K and an HHI of $160K per year and own two houses.  However, the stress of paying for all of our expenses falls to me and there are some months that I just cannot make it on my own.

I have put up with a lot of misbehavior from BPD/NPD DW over the years, but I really think this is the one where I fall on my sword and she either bucks up or I file for divorce.  I understand that her hoarding "her money" is born of her unreasonable fear of abandonment, but I cannot have her threaten the overall financial security of the family because of it.  I welcome any advice. 

As an aside, and I am wondering how this would play out in a divorce, I have seen her endanger herself and others, especially when driving.  She has serious road rage issues.  Just this weekend, I was in the car with her.  We were at a four way stop and she had the right of way, but another car jumped ahead of her.  She starts cursing and swearing and runs through the intersection to chase the other car down.  She almost hits someone in the crosswalk and then follows the woman into a parking garage.  I am telling her she needs to let this one go now.  On the way out, the pedestrian she almost hit confronts her and she tells him "what's your problem b___" and "f**k you."  She is two points away from losing her license.  It is only a matter of time before she gets another ticket and loses it.  At which point, I will be insisting she take the bus!

Has no one dealt with this issue?  I am wondering why there is no response?

Hi fsoduck,

I guess you have tried with SET already? If not then getting your point heard SET helps. Most likely this is not a rationale problem but one of fear and trust. You don't trust her and in turn she does not trust you. Rebuilding trust takes time - it is based on delivered behavior not talk. Trying to force a rationale argument is likely invalidating considering that she has strong emotions tied to money.

Her behavior is not rational and you are right in suspecting fear etc... The best - although limited - way to handle this is validation. From what you wrote it sounds like she is constantly extremely stressed/distressed - the car incident is a sign of it. You can't validate her enough, she needs plenty.

Boundaries are another part of the solution. Paying her CC - why? If she defaults - her problem isn't it? Her car the same - if she can't drive it is her problem. She may neglect the breaks but have you noticed how fear driven she is - a small reminder in SET form may be all that is needed to get that fixed in no time.


Consolidating accounts is not a good idea as it weakens boundaries and just leads to more conflicts. Constant calls from her to hassle you - that needs boundaries too. You could use SET to explain to her that this is distracting and you will not listen to it anymore. It is her problem to feed herself now or go hungry. Then when she calls and starts politely but firmly end the call. As with all boundaries she won't like it and there will be an extinction burst. Looks like you are starting to get more serious about boundaries now so it would be a good time to review this material and plan properly. You don't want to have too many boundary related conflicts ongoing at a time but you want to be firm in each and every one of them. This is not about winning fights this is about making sure you are getting the minimum respect that you deserve. Conversely she is quite sensitive when it comes to boundary crossing (car incident) so where possible show her respect too.

Mortgage - not sure what a fair solution would look like as there are questions like deed, equity and the whole legal status of your marriage finances may need considering. If I can't fully understand it I would wonder whether you would cheat me if there is no trust. So trust and understanding both are required for her to sign up to paying a share. Not sure how to speed that up very much. A first step may be developing a full understanding of the financial mechanics - the legal board may be a first stop and maybe a professional advisor that is seen as neutral could be another step. There is however no point in pushing it as long as she is constantly somewhat dysregulated and a minimum level of calm, mutual respect and trust has be re-established.

I am working through similar financial issues in my family.

Before I understood or even knew about BPD... . I very unwisely threw up my hands and let her run all the finances.  That way she would know I wasn't spending money on whores and anything else she was worrying about.

Now things are a mess and somehow I need to get more control.

She has shifted a large amount (apparently) to her personal account.


Anyway... . there are some hopeful signs from our interactions.  We'll have to see where those go and if finances improve.

With our assetts and income it should be no problem... . but when someone at the helm that makes emotional decisions... . not good.


So... . here is my two cents worth... . I'm still kinda new here... so factor that in as well.  Keep the house up and anything "joint".  Let her car and her credit cards fall apart.  That's on her.  The more you can do to get separate finances (boundaries)... the better. 

When she looses license... let her loose it.  Don't rescue or allow her to blame others.

Good luck learning to validate.  I made some ham fisted efforts at it this morning.  I think she realized I was trying to do something like that and pushed me away.



Hang in there.  I wish you the best.