BPDFamily.com

As I lo bpdfamily,

I was abandonened and discarded by my exBPDgf about three months ago with over two months of NC. APPARENTLY she's been doing great in her life with her new replacements ... . Going out a lot more because I held her back.

Anyways my question today is very early in our 3.5 R/s we would write letters back and forth to each other like physical letters. This was before we moved in together and the total amount of pages of letters front and bsck that she sent me was about 250-300 pages not including tons of hand drawn photos and pictures and other artsy and crafty gifts like tons of other crafty gifts she would make for me. It was amazing idealization she would give me when we weren't physically next to each other. I ask myself why thr ___ did I get involved with her and then I read these letters and the amount of emotion and idealization and I was like wow ... . They are amazing and the amount of time she put into them just in the amazing borders around the letters ... . I was literally all she had.

These letters are the final thing I need to get rid of ... . But its so hard because they are actual history not only of a deeply intimate relationship but of the person I thought she was and really wanted her to be. She has extreme attachment issues and would Keep all letters from me in a binder and even I had all my letters in a box you know being a guy unorganized and she spent several days organizing them by date. I still have them beatly organized in a binder. Idk how she would feel if I trashed them as I know she's kept my letters as well as past bfs in a box ... . Her attachment issues.

I don't look at the letters anymore and want to detach. I don't want to give them to her but feel she would be hurt since she spent lots of times perhaps hundreds of hours writing them and drawing the pictures. They mean a lot to me at the time and oddly enough reading them brings me some fake joy... . makes me realize I'm not A fool for getting so close to her. I don't want to break NC by giving them to her As she and I can never be friends again ... . Should I just trash them?

I actually just stacked them next to 500 rems of paper and its taller than this ... . So she probably wrote me way more than my original estimate... . You can imagine the time she spent

Do what feels right.  You are not her, if you feel its disrespecful to her to burn them then don't be disrespectful.  If you think you should keep them in a box and have a funeral with them and the other items of hers you have then do that, bury them in the yard make it like your burying the relationship. 

At the start I burnt everything.  It felt so good, I know it was disrespectful and wasn't who I was that is my regret about this and not having some things for court. 

Either way, be true to yourself not her.  My 2 cents. 

dillan

I have put the few odd sentimental items away where i can't be reminded of them.  At times like this when our wounds are so fresh and triggers are likely,  its best to put away things until we get clearer or more detached.  I used to get rid of things that triggered me because it was soo darned painful.  I did not this time. I have put them away.

Trashing them just didn't really take away the pain. Sending them back (done that) only triggered him more.  Not a good idea in my situation in the past.

Some find a ritual of cleansing these types of things ie burning  quite cathartic.  I've done that too.

Do what you think is best for you right now but sending them back i would really caution you about and ask you to question yourself about why you might want to take that route... .

This is not about her right now, its about you.

I can feel for you, it's hard isn't it?  I have removed my personal things from her from my life but you can't throw away the memories.  Things always pop up, I can't even look at the moon without thinking of her.  I erased photos every time we broke up and I feel bad, but I can still see every one in my head still.  I would save everything if I could do it all over but at the time it seemed right.  Take care of yourself :)

kba1969

the moon... . . i  think of mine as well when i look up at the moon and wonder if he is looking at it too.  we used to text each other at night about it if there was a particularly beautiful one.

I agree with Aussie... . do what feels right for you. (I do not think making contact and giving them to her is an option though). I did send back a childhood Polaroid of my ex as I knew it was irreplaceable heirloom. ... . I did that for me BTW.  Looking at it caused me great pain. Throwing it away would have been anger and revenge. Returning it was the right thing to do, even though I knew it would immediately shown to my replacement. It was one of my final acts of consideration. Not a very easy thing to do when you are in a ton of pain over betrayal. I worked really hard at taking the higher road and did not exhibit the childish actions that were rained down on me. Being in therapy helped immensely to get impartial perspective on the situation.

You may want to think about getting rid of the letters or putting them somewhere out of the way where you can reassess the situation later when you have more distance from the situation.

I feel for ya. This is tough stuff to let go of, any way you look at it.

Well I've begun to pack things up as I'm moving by the end of the month. I did get rid and donate a lot of stuff like clothes and other gifts that were somewhat easier to get rid of ... . But these letters are the last and final piece of a puzzle.  Keeping them somewhere is a possibility but it makes me feel like I still haven't detached Completely. I will not give them to her as it makes me feel like it will set me back and only empower her, but I don't want to keep them because I want to detach and not have this list lingering thought that those letters are still in there in a box somewhere as I've literally removed everything that has reminded me of her. Its more for me and my need to let go ... . Hanging onto them for me makes me feel like I'm still attached somehow. I might just dig a hole and bury them in a trash bag and move on... . a sad and pathetic ritual but whatever 

We share a similar experience.


No one can tell you what to do with the letters. I got rid of all of the gifts, packed up all of the photos, family photos for the kids at a later date, birthday / holiday cards, but the last remaining thing were intimate letters. All from the idealization phase about her love.

I packed them up in a box and stored them away. Out of sight, out of mind. Maybe one day I'll go back to them, but I couldn't get rid of it in the emotional state I was in. Maybe I'll revisit them one day.

Dillan,

A ritual like this could be maybe something good for you? Maybe instead viewed as a sad thing but yet still positive? A semi-complex ritual about burying this dream that you had with her and then imagining a new dream of your life and your next partner.

Peace,

AO