BPDFamily.com

Years ago my best friend and I befriended this girl together. Nothing romantic. We were just a few young people hang out together. After seeing each other a few times, this girl opened up and started to complain about being mistreated by other people. Pretty much everyone in her life, her boss, her ex-boyfriend to a mutual friend has treated her really badly. We gave her support and encouragement. But it seems to make little difference to her bitterness. Slowly we have figured out she has emotional problem. We gradually stopped seeing her. My friend and I joked about how she will find her next victim and we will be included in the list of bad people in her complaint. We were smart to spot her problem early and not get involved.

Near the same time I meet my uBPDw and my girlfriend then. This troubled girl has a large presence in our conversations. My wife told me the first time we show up as a couple in a group gathering, this girl gave her a vengeful look. She think she has a crush on me and she resent her for taking me away from her. I did not pay attention to the troubled girl's reaction. I told her we don't have a real relationship and we will keep our distance because she is such a negative person.

My wife was fairly obsess about her and repeatly ask me for the reason that we ditched her. She ask if that girl was too negative then wouldn't she be a negative person also? We have a honeymoon first year and everything works out well between us. So I dismissed that there is anything negative in her that is near that girl's level. This did not settle the issue. We have to have the same conversation and make the same explanation over and over again.

I thought I was wise to ditch the girl. I have made no contact with her since. But my wife has managed to bring her ghost and toxicity back into my life. I have only seen her for a few months. But we ruminated about her for a few more years. My wife was right from the start. Not only is she negative, I have come to understand a whole spectrum of emotional problems that she herself has no awareness of.

Little did I know that I walked away from one trouble, only to walk into a bigger trouble that haunted me for the next 15 years.

I share a similar experience. She knew that I was seeing other women before we were in a committed relationship. She kept bringing this up throughout our 7 year r/s. What does a BPD feel? Shame, guilt, self loathing and low self esteem. My uBPDw was attached to me and feared abandonment, so in her mind she was worried that I would leave her at a whim, and move on to another woman. The loss of an attachment, this was a theme throughout the r/s.


Don't be hard on yourself, it happened but it is what it is. 3 people makes a triangle, it was Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0). Learn as much as you can about BPD, detach and do personal inventory. You will see that you will be able to detect toxicity in people after having been in an emotionally abusive relationship. The break-up from a borderline will have gifts, this is one of them. Work towards improving yourself, identify what a healthy relationship and emotionally mature partner is.