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Following on from a thread on another post, where a member has noted he has trouble accepting compliments. It was a lightbulb moment for me, and I thought " yes I always deflect the compliment" and in fact feel embarrassed when they are directed at me. Lots of people lately have said things like " you are such a strong  person" "you have a beautiful spirit", "you are so wise" and I immediately feel embarrassed and deflect, or put myself down. Truth is I feel all those things to a degree,  but don't like hearing them. I have a reasonable self esteem, but I don't think I'm any stronger, wiser, or beautiful than anyone else. I see and acknowledge these qualities more in other people than myself. Does anyone else have trouble accepting compliments and praise?

count me in... . was VERY shy as a child... . and to draw attention to one's self in an abusive house wasn't a good thing.

What little self esteem I had 33 years ago coming into this marriage has been chipped away to almost nothing.

I lost 50lbs last year and HATE the attention it gets me... . especially when everyone noticed at once because I had bought new clothes... . wanted to climb into a hole.

I also don't like the stong or pretty... . don't think I'm either. You don't need to be strong to have a positive attitude. .it's a choice.

As for pretty... to me that equals weakness... . too much abuse in my past.

I recognized this about myself a long time ago, even before I met uBPDx 6 years ago. I just chalked it up so somewhat low self esteem. Like a lot of members here, my childhood would make a good Pat Conroy novel. A lot of people have said I should write a book (a compliment... . that's one of the few I take and believe). I would occasionally make an off-hand self-deprecating comment about myself, and it bothered uBPDx a lot, though now I understand it was more about her needing me to be "perfect" and "strong" because of her own sense of core shame.

I think it goes back to my BPD-lite mother (she is a diagnosed depressive, is a massive hoarder, and to this day at 72, lives on the edge of life in a home in the woods literally falling down around her).

I was a relatively easy kid. I know that (except for the pyro stage! but it was experimenting, I didn't seek out to destroy things). Except for the bullies, everyone always liked me, especially the adults. My mother would say how great I was, smart, kind, gentle... . except for when she raged. Then, and I remember this conversation to my 14 year old self almost verbatim. She was talking about the neighboring family with whom I'd identified (it had conflict, but it was at that time a nuclear family--- something I didn't have as the single child of a single mother---, and safe). "She's your fun mother, she doesn't know the real Turkish like I do! Everyone thinks you are such a good kid, but I know the real you!"

I got this a lot in those days, along with a rage so bad (with the requisite smacking me around) that I dissociated so hard I had a seizure as my brain just shut off (decades later, she admitted that this incident was the one time she may have crossed the line into abuse,  

So I was the victim of years of Splitting. My reaction, I think, was to dissociate my feelings to protect my Identity, of sense of Self. I rejected her analysis that I was a horrible child (give me a break!), but I also rejected the good things she said about me because I felt I couldn't trust her. I think I carried this into adulthood, and still do to some extent. My T said early on, "you have trouble accepting compliments, don't you?" He then would get to me, as I saw him weekly from Sept-April, telling me I was a good and decent man, a good father, very smart, and to accept those things.

Likewise, while I take criticism well if it is constructive like having to do with my job (I have high standards, and like to work that way), I don't take criticism well in my personal life. 18 years after escaping my mother's house on my 18th birthday (and never having spent a night back there since), I met my uBPDx, and the dynamic returned, even with the diagnosed depression. What a parallel! I rejected both the good and the bad she said about me, because I had shut myself off so much, built up so much armor, that I was like a steadfast sentinel. It's part of what attracted the little Hermit-Waif to me, but my lack of vulnerability is part of what attracted me to her. I attached to that which I lacked. She even accused me of something like this in the end... .

Yes I hear you... . I'd forgotten about the weight loss comments.

My mother always talked about vain people who thought they were better than everyone else, and I rarely got compliments from her or my father. They didnt want us to grow up being up ourselves.  lol Compliments were just never part of my life. Nor was kindness really. I really HATE people showing me kindness and empathy. It makes me feel weak and tearful. Just realised that as I was typing it.

But even now as I do monthly work appraisals, I detest it. I really find it difficult to accept I'm special. It's my job and I do it to the best of my ability. Why make a big deal of it? I'm much more comfortable with criticism, that I can work on and take on board no problem. That's a challenge.

I'm rambling now... .

I sometimes think that if a person knew everything about me then they would change their opinion.  Maybe they only see my strengths . What if they knew everything ?  Well if i look back at the facts... . look back at all of the significant people who have stood by me (excluding family) then this thinking is invalid.  My close friends that I have had for years have witnessed my weaknesses, my failures, my despair and alot of the shadow aspects of myself. I've let them see it and they are still with me.  

So I am learning to accept positive feedback, it may make me a little uncomfortable and bring up my self doubts but I think I am better able to receive .

You were never shown it. It was missing from your development, and you were, and still are aware of it.


All sorts of people say "you're a good father." 3 years ago, my boss's son came over to help me at my house with something (he's only been there twice in 4 years, so I don't know him that well). My boss told me later that his son said I was a good dad. I asked, "why did he say that?" He replied because of the way I had with my son, how I paid attention, etc... . I felt like the curious dog twisting its head trying to process how he could tell that, and why he would say that.

I get this now with the two kids. When someone says that, my my first thought it, "as opposed to what? Some loser of a parent who neglects and abuses their children? I'm just doing the job as I see how it's supposed to be done. Why make a deal out of it?"

I'm actually dreading Father's Day. I couldn't care less about it, actually. In a positive way, that is... .

I've actually had trouble when some people were complimenting and supporting me on this site, if you can believe that.

Turkish

I've actually had trouble when some people were complimenting and supporting me on this site, if you can believe that.


I can believe that.

Narellan

we didn't get complements growing up either... not with 9 kids... and my disordered dad was great at pointing out the flaws. .being a girl was a huge one.

He also use to pit us against each other so we had no allies amongst the siblings so it was easier to abuse us.

Turkish

funny how something said by a parent at an impressionable age stays with you for life.

I remember being 13... looking in the mirror... desperately trying to find something attractive about my face... . and as I had decided ... yes... I liked at least my eyes... . my mother walked by and noticed me looking at myself. ... then tells me... " careful. ... don't want to think TOO much of yourself"

already having almost no self esteem I took it as "don't think ANYTHING of yourself"

I turned 51last month and I STILL struggle with that one

I'm actually realising I've opened a can if worms here for me. As I read through your posts Turkish I am recognising some things throughout my childhood that I have NEVER addressed before. My parents always said I was a naughty child. I was the first born. I have sibling rivalry issues with my middle sister who seems to hate me and compete with me in a very unhealthy way. She was the golden child. Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. I can remember as a 5 yo ( she was 3) one of us had deliberately damaged something, I think it was fork marks in the vinyl lounge suite. Anyway my mum made us sit on the couch all day until we owned up to it. She was targeting me with her anger saying how naughty I was. We sat there for hours copping verbal abuse. Then my sister owned up. And my mother was flabbergasted. I don't remember any apology from mum to me, or what her punishment was, if any. My parents were quite strict church goers and we were made to do the right thing. Another time I recall when I was about 13 I dropped the F bomb. Directed at my sister " F off" and she sobbed on me. I got the belting of my life from my dad. I mean BAD. With his belt and i was pushed/ pulled thrown around.

I was such a troublemaker. Really a bad kid.

I still drop the f bomb. That hiding did not prevent that.

I've never ever thought about these things before.

I just felt with my ex BPD it was the first time in my life I've ever felt unconditional love.

And sorry ! The above just came rumbling out of no where and really has nothing to do with the topic 

Narellan

It came out of somewhere... . sometimes it happens like that.  Hope you are ok.

Narellan

don't be apologetic. ... . and it has EVERYTHING to do with the topic.

My dad was a fan of the belt too... and my youngest sister was the golden child... not only did my dad spoil her... my older brother did too.

Had the same thing happen... . she got into my dresser and I pushed her out of the way and she threw herself to the floor and started screaming that I had kicked her... . well that got me kicked across the room .

All these things that happen as kids sets us up later to unconsciously replay them out and leaves a big red target for those with a disorder to focus in on.


just thinking. ... we start out with some boundaries and are trained to not listen to them... to ignore them as they aren't supposed to be important to us... . taught to second guess that gut feeling that is usually right.

I really feel like this can of worms is more like a bottomless pit now. I have never questioned how I was raised. I knew my mother was very volatile. There was always outbursts of  anger and rage, when she wasn't lying in bed depressed.

When I read others experiences I remember more, and froggy your post just brought back a vivid memory of my mum chasing me down the hallway screaming, and as I dropped to the floor cowering she kicked me, catching me in the coxics (don't think it's spelt that way sorry I'm typing too fast to correct it) I remember feeling like I couldn't even move from the floor the pain was excruciating. I think I was about 10.

This is really confronting stuff... .

  Sorry I triggered you and even sorrier that you ever had to go through it.

it was a different time... . it was considered disapline. Now it's considered something else.

I remember the verbal... the physical. .the mental abuse. ... . I've locked up the sexual so deep that I have gaping holes in my childhood.

Don't want them back... .

It all adds up to why we ended up with who though

I'm not thinking clearly ATM so why does this relate to not being able to accept compliments? Because we don't feel valued ? As I said I don't think I have self esteem issues. When I'm depressed I definitely do, but overall most people see me as having a good self worth.

I think it's because with the FOO issues as children we get very use to putting the front on that everything is ok... . when it's really not... . I think we build what we think a self esteem should look like.

But all the time that harsh parental voice is in the back of our heads... . "not good enough... try harder"

"your the bad kid... the difficult kid"... . or in my case it was worthless because I was female. 

What is that? I think I know... towards my kids, but not them towards me. From a BPD, probably not. We experienced their "conditions" did we not?

Never having been shown healthy love as children, how and what did we learn? Unhealthy love.

I remember the hand at first "because if it hurts me, then I know I'm hurting you too hard," but the belt followed in not too many years... . even at that young age, I remember my mother's previous rationalization being discarded because of her uncontrollabe anger. *shakes head*

Married friends of mine, females, used to say, "you'd make a great husband!" And "why aren't you married?" I guess I was very validating to them (because they were 'safe'? hmm). They were visibly frustrated with me. Even my therapist told me, "you'll be married within a few years, I can see it." I see it, but I also don't. The latter more than the former. Rejection of compliments. I pay my T to validate me, do I not? My female friends don't know the "real" me like my uBPDx, the "bad communicator" and the "unmotivated" Turkish (actually, I don't believe this last one, her view on that is disordered).

My uBPDx wrote in her not so secret journal, "Turkish has everything a woman could want in a man, but I still can't love him." Leaving aside the BPD [twisted] idealization, I don't believe even that back handed compliment. If so, why was I discarded?

Like our pwBPD, maybe we run on scripts, written long ago in our FOO. Different from theirs, but with some similarities. Do I deserve Love? Yes, who doesn't? Am I worthy if it? Intellectually, I think so. Emotionally, I don't think so. Maybe this is why we are vulnerable to a disordered person even more desperate for that love themselves... .

I've always had trouble accepting compliments.

I've never liked attention, from when my trauma first happened.

I felt ashamed and quite terrified any time the center of attention came on me.

Any accomplishment made it more difficult to hide.  I became known as humble, really I was just doing absolutely everything I could to run from the spotlight.

Then, I shamed myself for even thinking I was humble.  Because that would be a "normal" thing, and I didn't view myself as normal.  Rather, a monster.

And as far as the FOO thing, yes I had that too.  I never felt like I had a stable house to live in.

My grandmother though, she was my savior. 

Although, interestingly enough, she might have been the origin of the push pull.  It was just fun with her though.

"Your mother thinks you're soo good, but I'm onto you."

Not to mention all the questions about my sexuality.

NO IM NOT GAY IM JUST AFRAID OF GIRLS OKAY.

That wouldn't have been taken so well. 

Instead, a brow beating, but always kept light hearted enough to reel me closer.

I stood no chance with my ex.  It's no wonder I have issues with women.

Thanks, FOO.

On a positive note, I'm pretty sure I felt spontaneously happy at least 2x today! =)

Christ, Turkish.

I was so triggered by the posts before yours I had to post, and then I read yours.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

:'(

What is an insult, really? Would you say something like that to someone? I sense not. I might if I were joking, and it was one of my friends I knew well, and we "mess" with each other playfully. To a child? She likely said that because she felt not much about herself, and wanted to keep you down there with her.

I remember my mom making disparaging comments about other adults I'd say good things about. I was commenting on one of my high school teachers once, and he was very smart, and I loved his classes. I said that he did tend to mumble sometimes. My mom replied, "that means he's hiding something!" (?) Or I'd talk about one of my female teacher in a good manner, and my mom would come up with some put down of that person, never even having met them. All I remember is that my mother was zero help in guiding me to do anything as the end of high school approached. "just go to college!" Ok, how? Where? What major? Jobs? How to pay for it?

No answers other than because she never finished a BA/BS, her smart son had better do it, or it probably reflected poorly on her. The great thing is that some of those same teachers my mother disparaged realized that I was not getting any help from her (this was on the verge of her major mental breakdown), and they took the effort to direct me and even help me get some scholarships (not much money, but it helped, and helped bolster my self esteem that I was worthy enough for someone to give me money). The "fun" mom, who I stopped by with my kids to see on Mother's Day (I only see her about once a year), is the one who directed me on my career path. All it took was a suggestion, "this student gave a presentation on a technical program in my class at the college which I think you might find interesting, you should check it out." I did through the catalog, and just signed up for the program on a whim, more than anything, because I had nothing better to do. I certainly wasn't going to stay with my mom any longer past my 18th birthday. Turns out I had a talent, and here I am 22 years later, still using those basic skill sets I learned back then to sit here in a lab in charge of millions of dollars of high tech equipment, with a skillset not that many people in the world have, or even could understand unless they were in here doing it. All S4 says is that I work with "robots" in a way he is correct. Smart kid. I told my mom I'm published as the lead author and major contributor in a reference book that was extant for 5 years. My boss approached me to take it over from the PhD who was blowing it (I caught the PhD plagiarizing, so it's a good thing we did, or our company would have looked pretty bad if our referee caught it, even worse if he didn't and someone later did). No real response, or sign of pride. Told her I hold 5 co-patents. Same lack of reaction. So then I never told her I also a won a scientific photo contest two years in a row open to people in my field world wide (scientists, engineers, and technologists). You can search for "Turkish" online and find that stuff. No matter to my mom. I never finished a BA/BS, so I haven't "made it" in my mom's eyes to this day. Even two years ago, she suggested to me that I should quit work and go back to school to be a nurse (like her, even though she did nothing about complain about how horrible nursing was for 40 years).  

The only good thing I can say is that she is proud of me as a father, and getting out of an abusive relationship with my uBPDx. When I first shared my BPD theory, my mom replied, "of course she's BPD." Projection? They never got along from day one, more of it coming from her DIL than my mom.

My point about this story is that all it took was a suggestion, not even any action, by "fun mom." Her comment was her caring about my future. She showed love. My mom, while I don't doubt she cared about my future, acted more in the vein of caring about herself, mixed in with her increasingly erratic behaviors. I told fun mom a few years back that I felt she was the most responsible for me being where I was in life due to her suggestion. She replied, "no, I think that's you!"  

We don't know what we don't know. We carry what we know with us. If we grow up only observing that one script, and childhood can seem like an eternity to a child, then we keep that play going far into the future, which is why most of us likely ended up here. Imagine the tens of thousands of people like us who never make it to a place like this... . We should take pride in ourselves for having the courage to step up to the plate and be here interacting with each other.

Yes, that's a compliment  *welcome*

Wow Turkish I love reading your stories. And I know you will rebuff this, but I think you're awesome 

Thank you Narellan. I accept the compliment.  

I have a lot of stories, as do we all.

Most of them we had little control over.

Hopefully we get to the point like at the end of the movie The Neverending Story, we can write our own on the blank pages of the future, free from the trauma of the past.

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Turkish

I really don't think my mother was trying to be malicious with the comment.

She wasn't very connected with us... . between having 9 kids and my father for a husband... I think she was emotionally burned out. She was never very demonstrative. .no real affection... she wasn't mean... she never hit us... . she would wsit and my dad would over do it... . "wait till your father gets home" was her go to... or gound me for weeks at a time.

I think she was worried about me being conceited and as there was no real connection between us she had no idea how little self esteem I had or how very insecure or that I would carry what she said negatively for the rest of my life.

I'm glad you found a positive female influence to balance things out even it it tends to make unfun Mom crazy lol

I tried very hard to be the Mom I wanted... I made mistakes but they turned out pretty good for the most part.

You seem to be doing a great job with your little ones.

one thing having an invalidating child hood... it can make you an over achiever :)

How awesome. .as your son says... . you get to work with robots!(yes compliments... . take the you've earned them)

Phoenix

first off glad you found reason to be happy :)

I think the type of subtle erosion your grandmother did is more disructive than the blatant criticism. ... . never quite sure if she's serious or not.

I think having a disordered mother would be so much worse... . Although I grew up thinking that all men were like my dad... hence why I married who I did and have stayed for so long... . even knowing it was a mistake from the beginning and knowing I had to get out from year 1.

well I guess that's why I'm on here isn't it... . untangle the mess that made up my childhood ... thought I'd dealt with it... ya right

I rejected compliments until I was 22. Simply didn't believe 'em. Oh except about having long eyelashes. That was true. I was suspicious of people's reasons for complimenting me and only today after reading this did I conclude it was because they were always a primer.

"Oh darling you're so tall! how wonderful. Not like shorty me who can't reach up there. Could you get me that thing? And while you're there, could you just give it a clean? Now put this thing back." etc.

Or it would be followed up with 'stealing' something from me:" You have a nice figure. I used to have a nice figure before I had children. (Read: you ruined my figure) In fact all the boys used to chase me around. I wonder why no boys ever chase YOU around? By the time I was your age, I'd had ever so many boyfriends. Sigh. maybe one day a boy might like you."

Then within a few hours I'd be insulted due to the frizziness of my hair or the colour of my shirt (which incidentally was chosen for me to wear. Not allowed to choose 'grownup' clothes. Still wearing skimpy too short age inappropriate clothing that my mother liked when I was 12.) Also, confusingly suddenly I didn't have a nice figure but "Needed to lose that spare tyre. Correction - those spare tyres."

I started to accept compliments after an argument with someone. he said "I really like your hair." i disagreed. he got mad and said that I was knocking back his belief and I had no right to do that. I thought about that. A lot. Then i realised I was invalidating people who might have had those beliefs. So I started accepting compliments even if I didn't believe them

When I was as a young adolescent, we thought that the girls and boys that seemed confident were conceited.  Nothing worse than that !  We thought that the girls who stood up straight were sticking their breasts out and showing them off.  Nothing worse than that ! Don't wanna feel good about ourselves and appear confident !  Nope , so walk around with our shoulders rounded and hide our breasts, better keep our opinions about ourselves at a pretty low too just in case.  That's how it was in my peer group.  A  girlfriend and I were talking about this a little while ago.  She also grew up thinking the same.  It was partly how her family brought her up, and also her peer group. Thus compliments , even if they were difficult to take in were not acceptable to even accept !

Exactly my history too Corraline. Hard to shake as an adult. I praise my boys up so much, all the time. And I tell them everyday that I love them. That never happened in my childhood. My parents were reserved in expressing love. My mum was great at expressing anger. There was always some drama or conflict going on at church or somewhere.

OMG OMG Corraline! Just triggered me. I have been getting physiotherapy for years due to a mid back problem. My guru tells me "you've got someone 'on your back'" Which is true, BUT I also crouch inward to hide my breasts! I even knocked back a job where I would have had to work on a raised floor as I would be 'too visible' which was equal to 'showing off, being a showpony; putting myself up for compliments' Grrrr. And yet BPD always ALWAYS fishing for compliments and saying LOOK AT ME.

I also thought confidence was equal to arrogance. Wow. Learning something new every day!

That's the hard discernment, learning to tell the difference between healthy self esteem and the facade projected by a narcissist. If we're never taught the difference, like many life skills, how can we recognize  red-flag ?

That's awesome Narellan. My T told me that children mirror us, specifically their parents' faces. Just with that you can imagine how so many children are wounded in childhood. Our BPDs, and us... I make sure to look my kids in their eyes every day and tell them how great they are. DD2 awoke today at 6, cried from the other room, ":)addy!" I brought her back to bed with me and tried to nap for anther hour. I opened my eyes after a minute, and she was head to head, just smiling at me, studying me as my eyes were closed. I always tell her she is the cutest and the best baby in the world, that ever was made, and ever will be made (no offense to other babies). I also tell my son he is the best son ever (his name in another language actually means Greatest)... he once replied, " I know!" Hope I'm not raising little narcs 

i know this is off topic but speaking of children mirroring us... .

my teenage daughter is experiencing her second relationship.  the first one didnt go so well.  he was lying all of the time and out of control.  involved with the police for raging and threatening others  and all sorts of things. Apparently been hospitalized for issues that are  related to mental illness. He is 17, so is my daughter.  She ended her relationship with him pretty quickly which i am proud of but that is unfortunately not the end of this story.

last night she told me more, this ex of hers is harassing her, stalking her new boyfriend threatening to come to his high school and beat him up, contacting my son, threatening to go to the father of my childrens work place and beat him up.  He told my daughter that he would hurt any boy she likes.  i went to the police station last night.  i can't do anything third party apparently. its up to the individuals threatened to report him.  i have told my children to block him and not respond to his threats or abuse. my daughters comment to me last night was "guess we know how to pick em, hey mom?." that just scares the living daylights out of me.

corraline

I did the one thing for my daughter that I'd wished my mother had done for me.

I warned her. ... warned her that she would attract and be attracted to guys like her dad.

I told her to ask herself. ... is he like my dad?

She has already had one BPD attracted to her and he has used the same threats as your daughters xbf... . and she never dated this guy... he was a friend of her brothers and we are friends with his dad so he was here a lot.

He recently assulted his landlady and has pled guilty for atempted murder.

She saw through him so steered clear of him from the beginning.

I really should have had this chat with my son too as he's had one long distant girlfriend who I'm pretty sure was uBPD... . he has his own isues pretty sure he is bipolar2 and has severe A.D.D.

I always joke with them that I inherited a large neon sign (my mother and sisters have it too) that only disordered  men can see... . I tell her that's why the weird ones stare. ... takes them time to read the sign lol

I think I can take a compliment, maybe sometimes it is a little embarrassing to receive praise for something, maybe it is because I am getting attention for something that is viewed as positive, as opposed to negative. 

I find it troubling that many people find it easier to accept or beleive the negative or bad things people say, rather than the good.  Maybe it is something from our FOO? Quite possible.

I think I definetly grew up in a dysfuntional environment, didn't realize it until I got older.  But when you grow up in that, that was my normal, it is what I knew and was very familiar with.  As I look back to many of the friends I made and women I had relationships with, I only now see after the realtionship with my BPDex, all the things I ignored about my own issues and problems that I never dealt with. 

Accepting compliments is something that we should be able to do I guess with a sense of humility and humbleness, that something about stands out to someone else, and why not believe that, or just try too.  If someone is throwing us compliments with other intentions in mind, thats another story.  But I find that when I enjoy someones company especially a female, I want to compliment them, on many things, because it feels good to know that someone recognizes something about you that you may not be able to see in yourself.  What took place in some of our FOO's, like mentioned, was not in our control, but learning how to accept a compliment that is genuine, is something we can learn to deal with in a good way.

Thanks for raising this subject!

Funny isn't it, how it actually all revolves around validation.  Many of us were very invalidated in childhood, and have subsequently been following a childhood script to seek validation desperately, especially  from those who are unable to give it to us. And then when some people do want to compliment us, we are unable to accept the positive words about ourselves!

I have been a terrible acceptor of compliments, but a good giver of same to others!

Somehow it always felt like I didn't quite deserve praise and recognition, because I hadn't performed well enough for it. And yet, I still carried on jumping through hoops to get praise.

I was a very good little scholar up until the age of 15 when we moved abroad to a totally foreign country for 4 years.  Until that time, I was getting good grades and did not give my parents anything to worry about.  I would hardly go out, I would sit at home all day after school doing my homework all by myself. Very low-maintenance little child.

Skip high-school which I barely scraped through, but hated myself for not coping every day of those 3 years.

Then again when I finally got to study for a degree in my twenties, I again applied myself like crazy and spent all my student days studying hard.  I never went out, or went to parties or anything. I was craving my father's approval for studying so hard,but it hardly ever got given to me.

I started running long distance in my early twenties, and I developed anorexia nervosa.  I ran high mileage every week and barely ate a thing.  I tried to run faster and faster times and I craved the admiration of others for being such a disciplined runner!  But when people did notice me, I felt embarrassed and I also felt like I was a very weird young woman.  Which woman in her twenties is devoted to books and running?  What about boyfriends and hanging out with friends?  I just felt like I was damaged and weird.

In my thirties and well into my forties, I stepped up my sport and in between some dysfunctional relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and holding down  a job that really does not speak to my purpose in life and my interest (but pays the bills and gives financial independence!), I had a punishing training regime.  I biked, I ran ultra marathons, I swam.  I entered every running event I could find, and I dedicated four years of my life to taking part in Ironman triathlon events. Still  I did not feel good enough.  Still my self-worth was very low.  People at work used to say "Wow, you did Ironman" and I used to feel nice for a brief moment, and then just cringe with embarrassment and again feel very weird about myself.  What woman in her mid to late thirties spends all her leisure time training like mad for sports events, and doesn't even have a social life to speak of?  Women of that age are raising kids and doing the family thing and are in committed and stable relationships.  And here I was, a weird loner of a woman, with my sport to keep me busy and not much of a life in other ways.

During that time, I also attracted two Narcissistic boyfriends into my life, the one was very short-lived as he evidently didn't think I was in his league. The second man was in my life for two years, and he also did a bit of sport with me, but he would turn my sporting achievements against me, and be very jealous of me, and belittle me for being "obsessed" with running and not having any time for other people.  He did not see how socially withdrawn I am, and that I am extremely introverted. He just resented the fact that I would not attend his work functions and go and hang out at bars with him and drink copious amounts of booze, like he did.  So he belittled me for two years, and this made me feel even worse about myself at the time.

So I can really relate to the inability to accept compliments and having people treat me kindly. I also have problems accepting gifts and kind gestures and assistance from others.  I always have this urge to provide assistance to others, but I freeze up when others want to help me in some way.

I do not want to be like this any more.  I would like there to be more balance in my life and in my interactions with others.  Why should I not deserve to have nice things said about me?  I am a lovable enough person and I mean no one any harm. Like everyone else, I also need to feel validated and accepted.  And I should not have to feel pressured to "perform" and to jump through ever higher hoops in order to get people to like me and say kind things to me! 

Turkish, I'd like to complement your bravery and honesty posting this.  lol

OK, I'll take my tongue out of my cheek now. It really is a powerful to admit how deep something like this goes!

I've got one other thought for those of you having trouble accepting compliments... . this is something I learned from my pwBPD and these boards:

If you believe a low opinion of yourself... . (My wife's example: "I'm fat and ugly" or "You think I'm fat and ugly" Then a compliment that doesn't agree with that ("You are beautiful" is invalidating. It is telling you that YOUR BELIEF IS WRONG!

Hearing that challenge to your beliefs is hard. Since we are non's, we don't respond as badly as the pwBPD in our lives, but the basic mechanism is still there, and that makes it hard to accept a compliment.

I've been, frankly, an invalidating jerk in the past with regard to this. I also spurned some gift-giving gestures from my uBPDx (wrong thing to do to a Borderline, they may also need to feel needed, and this was a huge dysfunctional  dynamic in our r/s).

I'm just a hard guy to give a gift to. If I want it, I'll just buy it. Why do I need someone else to "take care" of me? Perhaps because being the latchkey kid of a single mother who worked nights, I learned to take care of myself from a young age. I grew up far too fast. A large part of this may be my resentment at not being taken care of as a child. So what am I doing, Projecting?

With my uBPDx, this went to an even further extreme. Being Parentified as a little girl, it is part of her "lost childhood" that she referred to.


Challenging one's beliefs, no matter how valid to the challenger, is invalidating to the target. This is a good reminder, and it's something we can take with us to improve our relationships with nons as well. Thanks for the insight, GK.

I do my best with my children when they tell me they don't feel good about themselves about something or other.  I don't want to invalidate their feelings, so i acknowlege by letting them know i hear what they are saying making sure that i am  not telling them they are wrong  but i might try the relating thing, and then i will tell them i see it differently. maybe point out some other perspective or encouragement that supports a different perspective for them.  no hard and fast formula or big therapy session with them. just hearing how they feel helps them to feel better about themselves already. they don't need to feel bad for feeling bad

I can relate to this - and after digging through the childhood stuff, processing my feelings, etc - here is what conclusion I came to:

Compliments from people not close to me feel manipulative - like they want something.

Compliments from people close to me were fine, etc some people close to me used those very things against me later.

Today, I take the compliment for what it is and make it about me - is it true?

IF so, say thank you and let go.

If not (realize it to myself), say thank you and let go.  No need to JADE with this either.

It has been a conscious process starting in the very stages of a thread similar to this.  What I also learned from being mindful with this is how to give a compliment and mean it - sincerely. 

Great thread here!   |iiii

This is such a great thread.

Turkish... . Can i ask you a question? Being minimalist and in the past a bit of a wanderer ( my exBPD) why do you think you can't accept gifts? My exBPD was exactly the same. He never was given gifts as a child due to parental money issues. After our first recycle I gave him a little cast iron friendship bird. The sentiment with these is they come in a set of 2 and in a tin. You give one to your best friend and you keep one for yourself. That way part of you is always with the other. When you look at the bird you are reminded of your friend. I bought this and gave one to my exBPD, reading out the sentiment behind it. He took his bird and said he had to leave. At the door I said " see you soon", and he said " that's if I ever come back"

He did, of course , but the panic in him was really obvious. He referred to the bird a few weeks later and told me where he'd put it at his home.

When he was about to go away for several months travelling, I bought him a hammock, to take on his trip,  as he'd always wanted one. He didn't accept it. He said " please don't buy me gifts it freaks me out" so I returned it.

Being a minimalist I understand he doesn't like acquiring objects, is that how you see it? Or does it trigger him due to the emotions involved?

 this thread is just teeming with things to make me think and think.

Turkish


it must be a great feeling knowing your kids are being provided with so many useful tools to build their self esteem from a solid foundation. I wonder how many BPD mums have the added (semi/sub?) conscious knowing that they are not only abusing their kids, they are not providing them with self esteem? Some of them deliberately because they are like "Hah! I don't have any - why should you?"

I heard this great saying once - behind every great kid is a parent who thinks they're screwing it up"


excellent point. I think it will be interesting in redefining this line as I improve in my emotional health.


Well said and well done, corraline.

Narellan - I have gone back and reread this thread a couple of times but been so whelmed that I can barely address all that I feel!

In the OP you were referring to compliments and later someone (Turkish?) mentioned insults - the difference between them My closest friends are all the kind of people I can constantly make fun of and receive 'insults' from and leave feeling better and more welcome and accepted than the start. I guess it's a way of really pointing out someone's flaws/weaknesses in a way that says "I KNOW you're faulty and not only do I not care that you are imperfect, I will use those faults as the reason to SHOW you I don't care about you being imperfect." To me it's an amazing expression of bona fide love. And because it's dealt out on the things I dislike about myself (but not on the things I hate about myself - important distinction) then it provides me with an unbelievable security. Is this a paradox? When i think about it I'm like "What the hell?" My friend says "If your friends don't make fun of you then they're not really your friends" I thought about that a lot. And I think it is tied to why I don't trust compliments. Unless they are from someone who is willing to 'insult' me or call me on my odd things (ie Zig, you talk so loud that I can't hear the TV. Now quieten down and get me some of that cake. You make great cake."

It's the motive I guess. And the observation of the boundary. had he said "You talk too much" rather than "You talk too loud" I would've shut down walked away and not spoken to him for days.

I think BP's often offer up the compliment in one hand and while you are looking at the 'gift' with delight, use the other hand to slap you. And the other hand is slapping you stings twice as much because you were busy being delighted with the 'gift.' They hurt worse because they make us vulnerable.

I thought I had answered this (thanks Zig, for reigniting the thread!).

What your T said had something to do with it, this my mom showered me with so many presents as a kid, my friends would look at old pics and call me spoiled. It wasn't that. Being the latchkey kid of a single mom who worked nights, I learned to take care of myself. Like I may have mentioned earlier, when I was 12, I went from a lower middle class existence to living circa 1890: no electricity, no plumbing, heating food on a camp stove. Luch would often be eating cold spaghetti (or whatever) from a dented can, because my mom liked to shop at a cannerey (basically a store which sold defective items which were sealed and healthy, but defective and therefore cheaper). We ended up losing the 25acres later due to my mom's severe depression. Lived in the cab over camper for a few years. It was not until I was 17 that she finally bought a house (which is currently falling down around her, and packed and filthy due to her hoarding). I moved out literally the day I turned 18 and could sign a lease. That was a little over 24 years ago. Never spent a night there since (and now can't, its horrible).

I resented that my mom, though she tried through her dX'd depression and several BPD traits, didn't provide for me (we'll leave aside never providing me a dad for another discussion)

.

Aside: when I was in college, some people would ask me, "do you bring your laundry home on weekends for your mom to do?" Lol, I started doing my an laundry at the laundromat when I was 12. YGTBKM! I thought any kid who did that was weak, and a momma's boy.

Fast forward to the mother of my children. I, wrongly, invalidated her. I had been on my own for 19 years before we moved in together. She's almost 11 years younger than I, and co dependently enmeshed with her family... I used to like semi high end watches. One year, she wanted to buy me one. I rebuffed (invalidated) her, saying to save her money towards something for the kids, or the house. Yes, leaving BPD aside, I was a jerk... for that I am truly sorry... . I'm generally a nice man, but I'm not above being an a hole sometimes. A guy who used to be kind of a father figure in my life wanted to throw me a birthday party a few years ago. I was a jerk then, too. I think birthday parties for adults are ridiculous, kind of narc. Yes, that is judgemental, and me projecting. My r/s with that man is damaged in large part due to my uBPDx, but also something to do with me, my lingering resentment over never having a father. It's sad, and I wish I knew a way to fix it. He's the dad of one of my best friends. Not without his own issues though... .

Anyway,.I hope you got something from that.

Yes I did, but it didn't answer my question.

Why can't you receive gifts?

The same reason as receiving a compliment?

Is it a control thing? That you'd prefer to see the money spent on other things, rather than be taken by surprise?

It's interesting that you're now a minimalist whilst your mums a hoarder.

Zig, there's so much that you raised that I have to think through before I respond.

I took care of myself for so long that I resent people trying to take care of me... I can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch!

Haha yep I see :)

Does it make you angry or annoy you when people give you a gift?

No one really gives me gifts. If I want something, I buy it. I think people get that about me. I'm a cumpulsiver reader. uBPDX got me a gift card for me e-reader for christmas, so at least she tried. Still haven't activatd it.

Hi Narellan,

When I read this post of yours yesterday, it got me to thinking.  Perhaps receiving gifts is a trigger to your ex?  Perhaps he goes into an "age regression" state when someone wants to gift him?  Ie, back to the young boy, who never received any gifts however desperately he would yearn for a little gift here or there? 

I realized that I didn't really answer your question. Yes, it annoys me. Like one, I can take care of myself, what business do you have trying to take care of me; two, that perhaps on some level, I don't think I am worthy of it. That may go back to some deep-seated feeling that I don't think I am worthy of love. I'm certainly feeling that way these days. Logically, this is not true; everybody is worthy of love, even our BPD exes (are my kids not worthy of love because they act out and aggravate me sometimes? Of course not!). Emotionally, I may sometimes act out passive aggressively towards others... . like my pwBPD.

That's interesting Turkish. It's hard for you to accept compliments and gifts. What about help? Can you accept help when needed?

I find compliments difficult, I'm uncomfortable with gifts almost embarrassed by gift receiving, but I love giving them. And I feel really useless if I have to accept help. I do everything myself. I'm a single mum so I do all the mum stuff plus all the dad stuff. I mow my own lawns, clean guttering, paint , garden, dig out trees. At the moment I'm about to do a stacker stone feature wall on my garden deck. I was forced to ask for help last week. I'd removed 8 trees by myself, but couldn't get all the roots out. Physically im 53 kgs, and even jumping repeatedly on a crowbar did not budge the roots. I hated not being able to do it myself. I hated accepting help.

In fact I've just realised its all in the word " accepting" I struggle with accepting anything.

I'm the same way... . I have no problem giving gifts or lending a hand when asked or giving compliments... . receiving all those things... . big problem... don't like to be perceived as weak so really don't like asking for help... . and living with someone who either wouldn't help me if asked or made a huge deal out of the effort needed to help... I just got use to not leaning on anyone.

My father was great at pointing out that I was useless as I was a female... so always wanted to prove him wrong. I can figure out most things if I have a book or the internet.

I rewire appliances. .refinished hatdwood floors... tiled... taped and mudded drywall... . helped with roofing... fixed the dryer... . ect.

We never had money so didn't get gifts as children. I appreciate them when I get them but don't really think people should spend money on me... "I" don't like spending money on me.

After reading I've now been consciously trying to accept thats you THEY see me even if I don't. I never really saw it as invalidating before so I'm now making an effort to accept them as intended.

I used to be this way, even my uBPDx accused me of this (we knew what needed to be done, I shouldn't have had to say it... . probably triggered her lack of self worth). Throughout this past year, I have consciously done the opposite: reached out for help and support, and it feels great 

I may have gotten some of it from my mom as well. She raised me as a single mom, making a conscious decision to be one by adopting me, at a time in the early 1970s when such things were highly controversial, despite the rise of feminist movement. She emancipated herself at 16, so was very independent. She was orphaned at 11 and fully at 14. I think she rescued me from foster care to do a little of what a lot of us here did with our Exes: parent our inner children who never got properly parented when they were our outer children.

Thanks for this thread.

Yeah, I'm highly uncomfortable when the pwBPD compliments me. I don't trust them. I don't want them complimenting me. I know that's my emotional mind speaking because of the previous verbal abuse and devaluation, yet at this point I'm still committed to staying, so I guess just have to say thank you and move on.