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My uBPDw disregulates when she experiences stress. Particularly problematic are: vacation travel and entertaining guests at home.

After two particularly painful and unpleasant episodes during a trip earlier this year I blew up and let her have it. I ended by telling her " I don't want to travel with u anymore . "

Subsequently she had two ugly fits while drinking: one on a trip with 10 of my friends and their wives. Another in front of a couple we had over for dinner.

These episodes are marked by anger toward me, shaming, blaming, criticizing and being condescending. They are very painful to me.

The last one (the one with 10 friends ) was so shocking and painful I was unable to talk to her about it. Both of us acted like it didn't happen. I did apologize to two couples later because she has acted out in a way that was unkind to them. As im writing this I'm re-shocking myself with what's going on here. It's not right. It's dysfunctional and sick. Something needs tochange.

Anyhow, I'm asking for some help/ advise on what I should say to her about this problem. I really don't want to travel or entertain with her any more. My past experience is that when I talk wither about her drinking, behavior, etc. she disregulates badly and I feel that I haven't accomplished a thing, just added to the pain. Any advise? Thanks. Theo

Theo, pwBPD are rarely able to acknowledge their role in destructive behavior.  I would suggest your time would be better spent finding a counselor for yourself to help you deal with her dysregulation

Theo, does this mean that after you told her you didn't want to travel with her you took another trip with her? If that's how it happened, then this may have been a good learning experience for you. My understanding, from what I have learned on this forum, is that real "boundary time" is that time when you are prepared to change your own behavior in order to protect yourself. "Boundaries are for you," as they sometimes say here.

Does your wife enjoy these social occasions and trips? If she does, clear boundaries regarding your future participation in these events may prove very effective. Some examples might be telling your wife that you will leave a future event if she begins to drink or if she becomes abusive in a particular way; or saying that you will be willing to try a trip or a dinner party again after a certain amount of time has passed, but not at this time. (Again, the boundary has to be something under your control, not hers. Something to protect yourself.)

I might be wrong, but I think you said in another post that your kids are grown and you and your wife are an older couple. It sounds as though you have a lot of independence and freedom now. Great time for practicing boundaries.

KateCat, Thanks for your thoughtful reply and excellent advise. Just what I was looking for. We are the older couple you remembered.  Two issues with personal time: 1. My wife is terrified of abandonment and so would have me around all the time if she could. Nevertheless I have been able to involve myself in separate activities including sports, community affairs, creative writing group and Alanon 12Step Group meetings. Without this "time off" coupled with the good times, when she's not disregulated, I could not do it. 2. When we were working we had substantial away time. Both of us travelled in our jobs. Now that we are retired and downsized it's a lot harder. Again, thanks for the advise. As you noticed, I've not built good skills in boundry management. THEO