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My ex-BPDgf and I have been trying to keep a friendship going.  By friendship, I mean we text and talk at least 2 or 3 times a day.  But I won't spend time with her more than 2 or 3 days a month.   I try to be a positive influence in her life, I want to be a positive influence in her life, but I can't worry about her problems, I have too many of my own.  So I got to keep my distance.

Anyway, she is dating now, and revealing more details than I wish to know about her dating life.  I'm actually okay with that and don't get mad or upset.  I remind her to find somebody that loves and respects her and that men can only "use" her if she lets them use her.  The term I use is "don't let coyotes in the door" (she had a little Yorkie that got snatched by a coyote once, so that is where it comes from)

Anyway, last night, we talk like usual and I tell her I am going to be spending a week up in L.A. for work, but don't get suspicious since my ex-GF (before my BPD ex) doesn't live in L.A. anymore she moved to NYC with her her boyfriend.  She stated "why do you even tell me that", said she had to go, and pretty much hung up on me.  So, today I texted her good morning (as usual) and also left her a voice mail this afternoon.  I haven't heard from her and it is after Midnight.  Might not be a big deal for most but we have talked or texted every day for the last 18 months, so not speaking for a day is a big deal. 

So, best case scenario, I'm being devalued and she's moved on to another guy.  But in my head, worst case scenario, I can't stop thinking about her potentially be destructive (getting blacked out drunk), or cutting, or overdosing, or any of a number of terrible things.  I can't sleep now, it's keeping me awake.  I just want to know she is safe.  I worry about her constantly.  I wonder if she knows this and is punishing / testing me to see if I care.  I worry about her being used - guy "friends" that get her drunk and then offer to drive her home for example.     

But then I think maybe this is a good thing, that she has really moved on to someone else.   Which I would totally be okay with.  But the worrying part is just overwhelming to me, as I really do care for this woman.   

Thanks for listening.

Banyon -

I so understand this.  My ex was a friend for 6 years before a GF.  I care to much, to not help if asked I have NFI how I would go with that.  Thats what I have to do and I am scared of the day ahead when she asks for that help.  I have to look after myself and I don't know how I will go saying no with this, it isn't in my make-up, hence the r/s problems to start with... .  

I don't know the answer for myself so im not going to try and tell you how to solve your problem but I admire your strength.  Do what you can live with and stay happy. 

What do you gain out of being her friend?

Thanks for the reply.  Worrying is at the core of my relationship with this woman.  I worry more about her problems more than she does most of the time.  As horrible as it sounds - I am almost thankful for the white knights and her ability to manipulate (not even ability, men are suckers for beautiful women, very little "manipulation" takes place".  I feel like she's just needs to do what she needs to get by and because she is beautiful some guy is always stepping up to help her.  I draw the line at helping her out with groceries from time to time.

Which begs an interesting question - DO WE WORRY ABOUT THEM MORE THAN THEY WORRY ABOUT THEM a majority of the time?  For example, I'm freaked out by her unemployment benefits running out soon.  She is not nearly as concerned as I am.  

The sooner you cut contact , the sooner you will move on. She doesn't benefit your life or add any value.

I know you care about her & that is a trait which money can't buy - I still care for mine.

But at the end of the day, she isn't sleeping in my bed, she's in another mans. And for that reason, I can't have her in my life.

I guess I don't look at the friendship as a gain / loss proposition.  It is in my nature to care for and about others, it was just the way I was raised to be very caring and loving.  I feel that VERY few people she will meet will ever come to understand BPD and how she is wired.  I'm not looking to gain, I'd be content to come out even as long as I felt I was doing something positive.  

But I know what you mean.  I don't have any intentions on supporting her indefinitely or unconditionally forever and ever.  At some point I gotta say I did as much as I can while I could and then just close this chapter of my life.  Which brings me to the realization - I will NEVER be able to move on unless she is out of sight, out of mind. 

When caring for someone else begins to impact your own health you need to make changes. You've titled this " constant worry", that in itself, as well as your inability to rest and feel calm is impacting your body and mind negatively. You are putting her ahead of yourself, and you are only in LC with her. Although a few texts a day isn't really LC. Aside from the caring for her, above caring for yourself, what are you gaining from this? You aren't her parent or partner. I know how hard it is to let go of people, I'm confused because this doesn't sound like letting go. It sounds like hanging on to whatever she offers me, for dear life. Please be kinder to yourself. You deserve so much better than this one way friendship. 

Narrellan is bang on the money.

I would hit her with a text along the lines of 'You know part of me with always care for you & I'm not ashamed to admit that. But, on reflection, I have to move on & am unable to do that if I'm still in contact with you. I hope you'll respect that & I wish you the best'


Then stand by your word.

I'm NC at the moment & it's killing me. All I want to do is pick the phone up, but I've set the boundaries this time & I'll look pretty stupid if I break them!

Thanks everyone.  Interesting - no one ever says "just slowly back away" out of these BPD relationships.  LoL.