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What do I do when the conversation gets into a topic that you know can lead them into a spiral of introspection that can end with you saying something that triggers them?

I have had discussions with my bf when he is not dysregulated and a major issue he had with me was my recent behaviour of going quiet or suddenly being busy in order to prevent certain convos because he would rant on anyway and he explained  that by dodging his comments things would get worse in his head when he had no-one to hash out all the thoughts he was having at that time. The issue is I know that some discussions will lead to thoughts of self hatred and although I want to engage it is hard to keep it light without dodging it.

These conversations usually occur over social media and I know they can be tackled much easier when we are physically together.

Does anyone else have this (hopefully not too convoluted) problem?

I do understand what you are talking about.  In general, I find talking in any way other than in person just doesn't work well with my dBPDh.  Apparently, this is common.  He recognizes that he doesn't like communicating in other ways.  It just leaves things  open to a negative interpretation, even though that isn't my intent.  As far as things starting to go negatively, it is good that you can recognize when that is happening.  We are working on validating my dBPDh's emotional state and having a short conversation.  If it starts to become to emotional for either of us, we agree to set it aside.  Basically, we are doing The High Conflict Couple in therapy and that is the approach we are starting to use with each other.  I really like the attitude of us being in this together and not wanting to do anything that damages our relationship.  So, if a conversation starts to go south, saying how much I care about our relationship and not wanting to harm it, is very useful.  We can both step back from the conversation more easily than we could before.

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Thanks so much for your response.


I too find speaking in person works much better but he will avoid calls when I try and resolve something more personally most of the time and keep the dialogue via messaging which gives rise to misinterpretation. It is so frustrating sometimes I feel he WANTS us to argue so he can say 'we argue too much we are a bad couple.'

It is the second time I have seen the High Conflict Couple book  mentioned and I have looked it up but unfortunately my bf is not at the stage of properly seeking help past mood stabilisers so this proactive and shared response to an issue is difficult when he is still in a avoiding/denial stage . I will bear it in mind for the future though.