BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I've just recently started going to a CBT therapist (a guy in his 30s). It feels good to finally talk to someone, and I can feel it helping me in many ways, like getting things done and getting tools for dealing with negative thoughts. I have not gone into my relationship struggles explicitly yet, and I'm thinking about the right way to go about that. While I find it very easy to talk to him and I feel I can trust him, he does not seem extremely eager to talk about specific problem areas (outside of, say, procrastinating), or letting me vent. It all is very action- and forward-oriented which I suppose CBT should be.

Should I consider my issues with my uBPDw as something that could be solved by solving underlying issues in the above way first, or do I need to be explicit?

I'm interested to hear if any of you have tried dealing with the issue at hand here in CBT therapy, or if you have any other thoughts about this?

I believe that the fact that I stay with my BPDWife is a symptom of my real problem. If I was healthy, I would treat myself better.

You may need two therapists. One CBT and one to help with the specifics of your BPD partner.

That's my take on it as well. Long way to go though, if this therapy should help me make the decision of actually leaving. I'm hoping for some step stones along the way.


The thought has crossed my mind, but it's not something I can afford right now. I asked the guy how long you typically go in CBT and he mentioned 5-10 times. Maybe after that I could try another kind. My hope was to deal with this issue too, or at least get his view on it, he seems like a smart guy... . I might try to bring it up in the next session.

CBT (and DBT) is about changing your approach to life to make your life better.  Its action oriented - problem solving - as you say.  I found it very helpful.

After you get past the basic approach in place, you should be able to talk about bigger issues.

I'd discuss this with the T to be sure your both on the same page.  You don't want to invest in 5 sessions and then ask.

My BPDw and I went to a CBT and I continued with him on my own after she painted him black and decided to stop seeing him.  He was helpful in reinforcing much of what is said here, particularly setting and enforcing boundaries and that I don't make her angry as she makes herself angry (read: see through the FOG).

Eventually you get to a point where you truly absorb the lessons and don't need to seek further CBT.

You're right - I need to bring up the topic. It would actually feel dishonest not doing so soon, as it is a big part of the problem picture. Sure, I have some other issues I'd like to resolve there, but TBH I would probably not be there were it not for my uBPDw.

I managed to bring it up in the last session. I was waiting for an opening and after about 20 mins I could talk rather freely about my relationship struggles. I never mentioned "BPD" but I did mention that my wife has problems regulating her emotions. He seemed interested to work with this too using CBT techniques, so the outcome was good.

I don't think I made him understand just how bad (loveless) it is currently, but given the short time I guess I'll have to be content anyway. He wanted to work with me on gradually becoming more assertive. If that's the path towards the end of this relationship or not, I guess I'll have to find out as we go along.

It's been my experience that therapists who use the CBT program are never specific to BPD related issues. It's more about generalizing in mindfullness, problem solving and self-relaxation regardless of the actual situation you are in. I've though that is actually because the subject is generally negative based and generally being specific tends to take away from the program.

I know that since my wife has started her therapist very seldom, if ever mentions BPD. It's my understanding she will let her vent or discuss anything she feels relevant but she doesn't treat my wife for her specific problem - she tries to get her to focus on the program and do her homework. I've always felt that is because again, it's a very negative topic with a lot of stigmas attached to it so avoiding having to say that she's ill with this problem reduces the possiblitly of triggering her in a negative way. the fact is the only time that any of the staff at her clinic mentioned BPD to her was during her initial testing and diagnosis.

I'm certain with their experiences dealing with people in this therapy that there are very good reasons why they avoid specifics and I also know my wife would appreciate not having to live in it everytime she went. They seldom talk about events from OUR past unless again, it's my wife that brings that up. The therapy is focused on her personal challenges, singularly improving herself and not our marital life or history  at all.

On the subject someone here mentioned "Mood Gym', an online free CBT based therapy program.

Has anyone tried it or have an experience with the program and comments?