BPDFamily.com

Since I am new to this community, I thought I'd take the opportunity to write about something that just happened while it's fresh in my mind.

My uBPDh (I think that's Undiagnosed BPD husband?) woke up

earlier than me and made breakfast- something that doesn't happen every day but is not totally unusual; especially since he said he was going to get up early and cook last night at bedtime. I came into the kitchen and he had poured me a cup of coffee and asked me if I was hungry. I said, "not just yet." He said, "well it's going to get cold. And by the way, you're welcome." I've decided that one of my boundaries is calling attention to passive aggressive comments because I really, really hate them and would rather be spoken to directly. So I said, "please don't be like that- there is no need for passive agressive comments first thing in the morning." Well, that lit his fire and he began yelling at me, asking me why I'm so mean, evens swearing at me and calling me evil, all while I sat sipping coffee, not engaging. I would like to say that I kept quiet entirely, but I did respond to several of his jabs. However, I remained calm in my responses, which of course led him to hurl even bigger insults. I finally said," I'm not getting involved in your temper tamtrum. Thank you for making breakfast that you planned to make, and please let's move on." He said, " I don't need to be thanked-just don't be do mean to me." I said, " I know you won't admit to this, but ditto- you were not nice to me either." Then he went on for several minutes about how nice it was of him to make breakfast, so of course this is all my fault. He walked in he other room

and is seemingly cooling down.

I am at a loss to understand how this happens first thing in the morning. We had a good week. My husband has been home recovering from surgery, and actually thanked me for all of my help and attentiveness just 2 nights ago. Going from one extreme to the other without any connection is very hard for me (and I assume all of us) to fathom. What could I have done differently this am?

An update:

After my husband cooled off a bit, he came back into the kitchen and asked me if he could explain something to me. I said yes. He said that the reason he got so upset with me is because I didn't show him any gratitude for pouring me a cup of coffee and making (both of us) breakfast. I told him that I realize that he was looking for validation and I said, "I'm sorry for not giving you what you needed first thing this morning, but I refuse to let passive aggressive behavior slide." He insisted that his behavior was not PA, and proceeded to tell me that I use that term too often and that I don't actually know what it means. I said, "I don't expect you to admit it- that's something you simply can't do. But, know that it's not OK with me, so when you make a PA comment, I'm going to address it." He then asked me to just drop it, and I said ok, to which he replied "I'm tired." I said, "I know; I'm tired, too." He responded, "NO! I'm more tired than you are and you know it! Why can't you just not say anything when I've already said I'm tired." I changed the subject immediately because I knew what was coming next. He seems to be OK now- he left to go to the doctor.

Did I handle this situation well?

Hi, Cat.  Welcome to this site.  Have you read any of the lessons?  I don't have time to post a link but the lessons on validation and SET are really helpful.  I didn't realize how invalidating I was, until I was on this site and doing work with my dBPDh.  I don't call my husband out on his behavior, in the same way I did before.   That, in itself, was invalidating.   As a recovering codependent, I thought that standing up for myself in that way was helpful.  It actually made things worse.  We are addressing things that trigger us in therapy with a DBT therapist and I highly recommend therapy together with someone that does DBT therapy and uses The High Conflict Couple.  Or at least reading and doing The High Conflict couple together.  There is no way we could have done it on our own, we need someone to lead us through it.

 

Hi Cat 21,

I gotta say that A) setting a boundary against tolerating Passive Aggressive behavior and then B) enforcing that boundary with direct confrontation... . well those two combined may not be the best strategy.

One of the fav strange acronyms of this niche community (and holy cow am I thankful for this niche community!) is JADE: Justify, Attack, Defend, Engage. And it's a big no-no because it leads only to escalation of hostilities on both sides.

Scroll through the pages of threads posted here and patterns quickly emerge, our BPD mates display many recognizable behavior traits. There's lots of threads asking/venting about traps - it seems like our loved ones are always setting up Argument Traps for us to fall into conflict with them where they feel like victims. You are probably nodding your head, but take a moment to appreciate that the Person With BPD does not consciously plan and execute diabolical traps... . it's just their dysregulated emotions driving their actions/words. Sometimes they really are trying to be nice (coffee and breakfast! that is nice!) and their disorder slips in a little unpleasant barb to go along with it. We all move in patterns, PA traps are one of the classic BPD patterns.

Another pattern you'll see here is one of Take Care Of Yourself. Keep your friends and hobbies safe with boundaries, even as your pwBPD tries to isolate you all to themselves, recharge your batteries, take walks, exercise, meditate, etc. But the next level of that is critical self-examination and personal growth. Quite frankly, your sensitivity to Passive Aggression could very well result in your undoing if you love a pwBPD.

We cannot change our emotional responses to things that happen to us, but we can learn to master our verbal and physical responses.

For example, my big weak spot is that I am deeply offended and hurt when I am told by my uBPDw something about myself that is both negative and grossly false such as "You don't love me" or "You think your family is so great and I'm not"   Every time that little barb is flung out it's a direct hit into the heart and I steel myself so hard to not JADE. Sometimes I can keep my mouth shut.

So, as the Lessons say, before it can get better you have to stop making it worse. Do not JADE when the PA needles prick your emotional skin.

But what about the Boundary?

Boundaries are something the pwBPD needs, as part of their emotional immaturity they test boundaries constantly. Something to consider: Choose your battles. Remember you cannot control someone else's behavior, you can only control your own and hope it influences theirs. Passive Aggression is a deeply rooted behavior complex, it may be next-to-impossible to put up a wall against.

It may be more productive to work on Defusing the PA incidents, as they are effectively landmines just waiting for you to trod heavily on them. Work with your pwBPD, not against them, recognizing that it's all really about their unmet emotional needs. Something like a smile over a sip of coffee and a soft, "Oh I was getting to the thanking. Just trying to wake up." You can try and establish a more reflective and intimate mood rather than a confrontational one. But be warned, the pwBPD will react badly to patronizing (oh boy do I have some scars) and sometimes it does not matter what you say - the dysregulation is on the warpath and a sheeeeeitstorm be a'brewin'.

But with the right mix of supportive validation, defusing, and calm not-rising-to-the-challenge responses you may be able to prevent disasters started by the Passive Agressive behavior.

Good luck!

Thank you both so much! This is very helpful. I will look through posts for more JADE info. Although I know my husband has been showing signs of BPD for a long time, I'm just learning about it and what I can do. Thank you again!

It was very helpful to  me to read several posts that said not to explain a boundary... just do it. 

They are smart and will figure it out.

If... . you ever do want to explain... . think it through... . say it in an even tone... . once... . and never again.

Personally... I've found the just do the boundary... . to be much more effecitive.