BPDFamily.com

Hi all, this is only my second post and I wanted to understand more about BPD and lying, mainly being accused of it.  I am convinced that my fiancee is affected by BPD and having read the articles here it all seems to follow a specific pattern. It's amazing to read and so reassuring to know that it's not all my fault and that I'm not going mad.

I wanted to write about lying because of the phone call I've just had with my BPDf. She has regularly accused me of cheating, disloyalty, not caring, not making enough effort, me wanting her to 'mother' me all the time, letting her take on all the responsibility of keeping our relationship balanced... . the list goes on.

I have only ever tried to be good, kind, loving, caring and enjoy life with her, always faithful and trying to be supportive of her work, studies and ambitions. Her interest in the same of me has steadily declined, almost imperceptibly.

And so on to lying. She has a scar on her chin from a squash game collision, perhaps?, from before we met. Last weekend she looked up and the light caught it and I told her "wow I'd never seen that before" as a reference to when we first met and she'd proudly shown it off to  me in the cafe. I pretended to see the scar with an 'oh right' then and later told her that i hadn't known whether I was supposed to see anything. Anyway this triggered something in her last weekend where she changed mood from very high and happy to angrily accusing me of lying. She asked me if I had lied to her before.

I don't lie as a rule but I had sometimes said I was ok when not, lied about the quality of her cooking, about having a good time with her and her parents at Christmas. But the day before i had lied to her and i admitted it. Big mistake but I wanted to be clean of any lies. It was to do with me having taken a viagra pill the night before and she asked me if i had and I'd said no.

Things have been so stressful with her that I can get quite anxious when we get passionate so sometimes I can't get aroused properly. This has in the past inflamed her rage even more. It seems to only be a problem when she is in a dominant position which makes sense with all the stuff I've been reading.

Anyway this has escalated to me being declared as having ED and a major point of her projecting problems on to me through this. It always returns to being my problem but her pain, my failing her and her disappointment. So from there this lie despite me owning up to it and apologising for it has become the centre piece in her argument of broken trust. She doesn't know how she can ever trust me again or even ever know who I really am.

We went to our couples counsellor we see once a month and he managed to talk through the episode working out why I had lied. That it had come from a good place not a malicious one as I just wanted her to be happy and minimise the potential for stress. He seemded to click that her perception was skewed. She seemed to accept this at the time and forgiven me but then it keeps flaring up.

Now she has recalled that i once mentioned that i had only ever been to two weddings in my life. She likes using words like ever and always and never.  That was clearly impossible as I'd been to at least 4 weddings in my family. But this has blown up into a major anxiety for her and again caused her to accuse me of lying and asking what else am I not telling her. She is expecting some major lie or deception but there is none. I have tried to reassure her and correct her but she will not accept it.

We are getting married this weekend and this feels so far beyond normal anxiety or allowing for any sense of enjoyment of the wedding day itself. And then what will happen beyond? I'm actually expecting her to not turn up at the church and she has continually said that she reserves the right to cancel at any point. Is that a form of emotional abuse?

I'm not sure what I feel at the moment. It's very confusing. I feel that i love her very much but reading so much on this site about the way a BPD can manipulate your feelings it may be just a codependency and empathy/guilt thing with a diminishing trickle of hope. Any thoughts, help or guidance gratefully received. Thanks for reading.

Spartacus

My advice to you would be to try to be as honest with her as you can be because they are extremely hyper-vigilant and will catch you in a lie in a heart beat.  This is not to say that I haven't ever lied to my BPDw in the 11 yrs we've been married, but as a general rule, I try not to lie to anyone if I can avoid it.  Because one lie will lead to another to cover the first and so on and so on.  I have learned to be selective and it is usually on small stuff that. if I was honest, would cause more trouble than it is worth.  But you must also keep in mind that when you are telling the truth she will not believe you if it doesn't fit into her own reality.  My wife has accused me of cheating for most of my marriage.  I have never cheated on anyone, ever, but my BPD wife cannot and will not believe this.  My story never varies because I always tell her I have never cheated on anyone and I haven't, but she doesn't believe that.  It got to the point where I thought about lying to her and saying I had in hopes it would fit with what she believes and she might back off, but my feeling is it would only intensify the accusations even more, so I don't.  She has lied to me all throughout our marriage, but she has also been honest all throughout our marriage.  I have learned her "tells" so to speak.  Sometimes she will begin to act differently, especially if she is or is getting ready to cheat.  I used to worry about it and let it eat me up to the point where I was becoming obsessive about worrying about whether she was or wasn't or is or isn't and I finally have come to the point where I don't think about it anymore.  If she is, she is and it is up to me to decide on what I am going to do if and/or when I find out about it.  The kicker about the cheating is she told me from the get go that she had never been faithful to any man she has been with and would probably cheat on me.  Unfortunately for me, I didn't listen.  She was honest about it from the start but lied when she was doing it.  It is like, in her mind, because she told me from the start and I didn't listen, then it is okay for her to do it because she told me this from the start.  The sad thing is that when she has been caught or had to come clean with me because I figured it out, she is not proud about it and the last time, was quite ashamed of it.  Does this sound twisted and insane?  Sure, but she is mentally ill.  Is it a valid excuse?  To me, no, it is not an excuse but it is the reason she does this.  My failure in our relationship was not educating myself about this illness when her originally diagnosis at 16 was reaffirmed when she was 26 (about 6 months after we were married).  As for other lies, it is hit or miss.  If it sounds outrageous or just not right, then it probably is.  I chose to ignore, enable and be co-dependent, which in my research of this illness is a common trait that significant others to BPD share.  So that is on me.  I love my wife very much.  I know she has been through a lot of trauma, abandonment, pain and anguish in her life (I have seen many examples of it firsthand in the time we have been married).  The stories she has told me about her life before meeting me, if even half true, are a testament as to the reason she is the way she is.  Some of her stories I have confirmed through other sources so I know there has been a great deal of hurt, pain, let downs, disappointments, etc. in her life previous to me.  She has flat told me she is not worth anything and the only reason men have ever wanted to be with her (even me) is for sex and nothing more.  No matter how many times I tell her this isn't so, at least in my case, she cannot believe it.  I figured out a long time ago that she cannot believe anyone would or could love her and because of this, she does self destructive things because that is what she deserves.  What has kept and continues to keep me going is I believe she has a desire to be well and happy but I also know that it is up to her to create her own happiness.  The irony is she has told me this with regards to myself for many years.  She also has the "I'm going to get you before you get me" attitude (or at least it feels that way to me) and I think she uses all of these things to justify her actions and behaviors.  It has come to the point with me where I have decided to take her advice and work on myself.  I am coming to understand that we may not be able to be together as man and wife or even as friends even though it hurts to think that this may happen.  But I also know that I cannot and will not spend the next however many years doing what we have been doing for the last 11.  So in the end it is up to me to make the decision to stay or leave if she cannot.  My mindset now is, if she doesn't seek and embrace treatment so she can be well and happy, then I must cut this loose and move on.  I also know her decision must be of her own volition, for herself and herself only.  If I can be a part of supporting and assisting her in becoming well I will but if not, then so be it.  So when she lies I don't take it so personally anymore.  I know that she is ill.  She knows that she is ill.  When she truly believes she is ill, embraces this fact and embraces a desire to be well, find her happiness and live (not just survive), then this will be success.  If not, then failure is assured and she will have to continue her path without me.  You cannot create your fiancees happiness.  You cannot fix her.  You cannot save her from herself.  Your duty to her, your obligation to her and yourself is to come to know, understand and believe this.  It totally sucks, but it is what it is.  It has taken me 11 years of marriage to even begin to learn this and through learning this has helped me recently to be able to deal with, communicate and love her more effectively.  I hope you find success and happiness in your life, be it with your BPDf or not.  Only you will know when enough is enough.  I wish you luck in your journey.  Love, faith and hope, it's what get's me through.