BPDFamily.com

One of the reasons I like this site, (once past that wonderful oh me too! feeling), is that reading others posts can prompt reflection in my own life. After reading mywifecrazy post re struggling with forgiveness I was drawn back to my greatest struggle in the early days of separation from my xBPDh.

It was questioning my reality. My reality was crated to evoke empathy, caring and attendance to his needs. A reality was created to isolate from friends, family and children. To create the illusion that I was only safe with him.

I had to question the beliefs I held and their validity.

I had to hold my sympathy and question the legitimacy of my feelings. Were they true or were they manufactured to evoke my protective nature.

These are some of the realizations I had.

My xBPDh is capable of looking after himself and meeting his own needs. I am not selfish. Our children are are not disrespectful. That was the start. I still find myself questioning various thoughts that occur to me trying to understand if it is truly the way I feel and what I believe or if it is the lingering voice in my head telling me what is the right thing to believe.

In one of my counseling sessions, my "T" said "unhealthy people (your "ex" generally fail to see their actions as being unhealthy and end up chasing reasonably healthy people into counseling"... .

Yes my reality was distorted, and like the saying about "how do you boil a frog?  You raise the temperature a little bit at a time".  My reality did get slowly distorted and even firm boundaries that I once had, began to crumble before my eyes.

We are all left questioning so many things: "maybe it was my fault", or "maybe she was right", or "maybe I am pathetic and un-worthy".  Feed the head with enough negativity and eventually we begin to believe what they say.

Questioning how "you" feel versus "how you think you are supposed to feel" is really the beginning stage of re-connecting with your deeper you.  It is a postive step too.

Peace to you

Oh yes! And it some cases, our reality had already been shaped and distorted to suit others  a long time ago.

I have a lot of other people "renting space in my head", as I read somewhere recently.  I think it could have been in Melody Beattie's Codependency book.

My parents rented space in my head and filled me with certain ideas, that I would not necessarily like to own any longer. And then along came my dysfunctional romantic, relationships, all 5 of them to date and more people with unhealthy expectations of me, and I let them shape my reality even further.

My therapist recently mentioned that I have been like a blank screen, absorbing the projections of others onto me.

Until the most extreme person came along, and upped the ante, and their projections were just the most way out of them all, forcing me to wake up to myself and what I was letting happen to me for once and for all!  A reality slap, as it were.

That was my wakeup call too.  A really horrible one at that too.  It was almost like the universe saying to me: "obviously you continue to hurt yourself and cannot see this.  Maybe a BPD in your life will help awaken you to this"? 

Phew, i soo struggle with this one too.

It was questioning my reality. My reality was crated to evoke empathy, caring and attendance to his needs. A reality was created to isolate from friends, family and children. To create the illusion that I was only safe with him.

I had to question the beliefs I held and their validity.

I had to hold my sympathy and question the legitimacy of my feelings. Were they true or were they manufactured to evoke my protective nature.

These are some of the realizations I had.

My xBPDh is capable of looking after himself and meeting his own needs. I am not selfish. Our children are are not disrespectful. That was the start. I still find myself questioning various thoughts that occur to me trying to understand if it is truly the way I feel and what I believe or if it is the lingering voice in my head telling me what is the right thing to believe.




thanks for sharing this with us Cumulus , it helps me to feel not so alone.

Hi, thanks for the responses. Arjay, absolutely questioning how  I feel vs how I think I am supposed to feel. That too is part of it. How though do you learn to feel appropriately when you are given misleading information. For example, I was supposed to be gone on a business trip. Meeting rescheduled and I came home early. Got in at about midnight. He arrived home at two am. So, where were you? A sad story of a friend who just got laid off work, was drinking and making stupid remarks and xBPDh is off to the rescue to be with him and make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. My feeling, one of a certain bit of pride in my xBPDh for being there for a friend and concern for him because he needs to be up at six am for work. Yes, it was a lie. He was with another woman. Now knowing the truth I can feel appropriately. It is difficult though after years of holding back any negative emotion to prevent escalating his bad behaviour to feel anger/distrust/ sadness.

I hope, for me it also started in childhood. Don't question, don't ask, don't rock the boat. If someone is older, influential, educated, they are right. Always. Believe what they say. Swallow it whole and it won't taste bad. A slippery slope to believing when you should be questioning. I have been really working on this aspect of myself. I have gone through a period if mistrusting everyone and everything and am now slowly learning to trust again. It's two steps forward and one back right now.

Corraline,  :) it's good to have company.

Cumulus,

I am nearing a similar point on my journey.  It smacked me recently about the movie, The Matrix really displaying this point well. A red pill for truth and blue pill to stay in the illusion. I apologize if you haven't seen the movie as it is a beautiful illustration of this crossroad.

I took the red pill, so to speak. My xBPDh took the blue pill, so to speak.

My ex said he prefers illusion. He said he would prefer a partner looks like they love him and are loyal/won't abandon (even if the person is lying and cheating). For him, the illusion of happiness with material things. The illusion of being healthy by looking good outside when inside is unhealthy. The illusion that his mother loves him by giving him money but could care less about who he is.

I decided to push towards my truth guided through therapy and acting out tough stuff in life. I had to go through what it meant to me and intense pain of my father abandoning me, mother struggling with suicide/rages, my ex - too much to mention here (i.e. cheating, etc.) and never being able to love me no matter how much I loved him, etc., how I struggle with suicide, and what it will take to repair the damage inside me and my life... . I have to do all of this on my own.

What helped me better accept my ex's choice was understanding why he'd want to stay in illusion. Frankly, the truth is so much more difficult. The movie, The Matrix really displays this well by showing what the truth really looks like (harder, ragged, rough, struggling). Yet, the truth gives us a chance to be ourselves (including standing up for ourselves and what is important to us even when the only one), simple joys, chance for real love/freedom, and a better future for all. The truth really is a hard sell.

lol I like that!

My Ex was so sure I was the problem (of course I was part of it) since I was the only bf she had issues with that required counseling, couples' communication classes, or couples' counseling (which she abandoned me to in the end to get "fixed" though I took it, made it mine and ran with it for the past 6 months, now ending it).

Based upon her previous history which I know a lot about (and found out even more when I came upon an old journal of hers in my house, weird things), and the young narc she's taken up with now, she's back to being with "unhealthy people." I doubt she'll get any new guy into therapy, but I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I'll live in my new, healthy reality.

Thanks Turkish, I love that quote!

I'm going to print it out and post it over my desk   |iiii

Hi don'tknow2, awesome, really what an amazing decision to make and to make happen. I like the matrix analogy. I did take the blue pill for a lot of years. Kept myself from thinking by working, studying, running and just being busy. Too busy, too tired to question what was off, to disagree, to think things through for myself. I just kept going and going. It took a crisis (him charged with theft) for me to stop and question my reality. I guess at that point I took the red pill. Hard and a struggle for sure but I am so glad that I did. I can feel again. Yes, the pain and sadness is there but so is joy and wonder. It is still hard for me to speak the truth, far easier for me to tell people what they want to hear, but it is getting easier each day. It is the understanding that I was not put here on earth to make others happy or to make their lives easier at the expense of my own.

Thank you for your words of understanding. What we are doing feels truly wonderful. Do you still struggle with suicidal thoughts or are you getting to a better place in your life? All the best to you. Cumulus.

Hi Cumulus,

I struggle telling others no or want them to stop doing something. I find this especially hard when someone is trying to "help" me. I have to break the voice inside my head that I am doing something bad.

Yes, suicidal thoughts still pop-up. Over the last 20 years, I have learned they won't go away completely. I am more at peace now just accepting a part of me would rather not be here. This is one truth I had to face.

You are so right! Thank you: "Yes, the pain and sadness is there but so is joy and wonder."

Peace to you, Cumulus.