BPDFamily.com

6+ weeks no contact with a chance meeting 3.5 weeks ago where I spilled my guts.

Please tell me I shouldn't send an I miss you text. She ran off to be with someone else. I am a doormat. At the moment she holds the key to my happiness... . I just need to be told this a bad idea by everyone. If she wants to talk she'll get in touch, correct?

So sorry this is embarrassing for me

You have nothing to be embarrassed by.  Virtually everyone who posts on this board has been in this position and felt this way. 

You will get immediate relief ("a fix", if you send it, but you will probably feel terrible about yourself in the aftermath.  I know because this is what you're telling me in your post. 

Don't be hard on yourself. Don't call yourself names.  Don't be ashamed of your feelings.  And don't send it. 

don't do it, strength in numbers... . number of days you don't contact her will give you strength... join the numbers of us in NC mode... . stay strong.

Like BacknthSaddle states, you have nothing to be embarrassed by.  Our brains want answers, our hearts want solace.  We want to understand what happened.

Here's how I've been managing my own periodic yearning for contact:

1. Notice the urge.

2. Identify the emotion(s) associated with the urge.  (Fear, grief, longing, regret).

3. Drop the story of "us" and sit with the identified emotions (as if the emotions were held in a waiting area in my heart).

4. Do nothing.  Don't fight the emotions.  Don't indulge the emotions.  Don't repress the emotions.   Watch as if watching a tornado cross a field in front of me. 

5. Wait.

6. Wait.

7. Wait.

8. Drink tea. Work out. Write a gratitude list. 

9. Check in with my emotions.

10. Wait.

11. Smile.  Because I'm re-claiming myself.

We're here for you. 

LettingGo,

I really enjoy your posts. I find a lot of hope and strenght in them for myself. Thank you for your honest and uplifting words. :)

I too find myself missing her a lot.

I think your list is very good how to handle the emotions. Something i struggled with a lot is point number two. If i am really honest with myself, i miss her the most when i'm lonely, had a bad day, have a lot of stress, or when i am anxious about something, bored... . And if i keep being honest i simply miss "someone" in this moments, and not actually her.

I miss someone who will give me company, love... . Someone that entertains me, is there for me... . All these things. I always looked to find this in someone else, but slowly start realizing this "someone" can only be MYSELF. :)

Again, thanks for your posts, they are really a big help!

Thank you so much jibber.  We are all in this together.  

With regard to your point that "this someone can only be MYSELF" -- it's a huge epiphany.   It's a huge gift to yourself.   I actually learned more about it recently in a book called "The Trauma of Everyday Life" by Mark Epstein, MD.   He evaluates Buddha through a lens of western psychotherapy, and concludes that learning to "hold" difficult emotions is central to the Buddhist practice.  From a review of the book:

"We deal with trauma by dissociating from it, by avoiding it. But it does not go away. People may find to their distress that meditation brings those demons back into consciousness. The Buddha — and Epstein — shows a middle way of observing our thoughts rather than being run by them, of dealing with attachments, of finding that it is not what happens that matters, but how you relate to what happened. Epstein looks at how we bring implicit unconscious memories into our explicit consciousness and cope with them."

Thanks all. Crisis averted