BPDFamily.com

I told my BPD wife that it was time to get a divorce earlier this week.

We exchanged things on Wednesday (she moved out a few weeks after the marriage) After she left she started texting me about this or that, saying she didn't want to have to come back to my place again. I gathered everything I could find and put it in a bag, ready for the second (and hopefully last) trade. The only contact from me has been polite and business like on the subject of exchanging things... . but that was too much. I thought I was doing fine, but responding to those texts about random possessions felt like I was getting sucked in to a molten, dark hole. By the time I got to work I was freaking out, which is unusual for me. That's where I realized that I really wasn't okay and couldn't risk even that kind of back and forth.

Over the past few days she's texted me remembering other things I might have, small obscure things that I've never seen (I was pretty thorough with the second round bag, down to two bobbie pins and a hair tie I found)

By yesterday she was texting me more substantial things, like "This is the worst thing ever, just so you know" down to what I now recognize as FOG (something I studied yesterday, any additional explanations and sources would be great if you have them) in "You're the worst, thanks for being there for me husband."

I was with friends and responded to that one, telling her that she made it very clear what a terrible husband I was before and that I was confused that she wanted contact now that I have taken myself out. As expected she kept responded, trying to get a conversation going.

In the "real world" I was telling my buddy about a thing I had read about getting out of this being similar to getting past a heroin addiction. Every day you want to be with the person, each text is an offered needle, and you desperately want a hit. I've been pretty good about not taking a "hit", but the next time he saw me grab the phone he said what has so far been the most useful thing to me.

"Put the needle down."

I don't know how many times I've said that to myself today. She's still texting, and each time I just tell myself to put the needle down. When I think about contact that I realize is now just me lost in FOG I tell myself to put the needle down. I have an aversion to drugs and needles, and the image just really hits home that while it will feel good for a moment, it will be both painful and life destroying ultimately.

Thought I would share. Meeting tonight to do the last exchange, I wouldn't go that far if she didn't have one of my instruments and anything past this will get mailed (Wish me luck, tips on this meeting would be nice too). Whenever your tempted, just tell yourself to put the needle down.

Do I have this right?

Married

Day 14 - separated

Day 120 - divorce initiated

What happened, BoyWho' ?

My story. I had just obtained my associates degree and was getting ready to move to another state to start a new life with some friends after my life thoroughly fell apart here (girlfriend left me to get engaged to someone else, my store was closing, my roommates were moving, ext ext) I chose to make it an opportunity and take advantage as opposed to trying to pick up the pieces. I met her three months before I was going to move at my work. Week one we hit it off great. Then I broke things off with her, it was getting too serious too quickly and I was moving away. A friend came back from another state the next day and wanted to have a fling, which I shrugged my shoulders to and went with. My wife came in later in the week and I felt like I was dying and had made the worst mistake of my life, like I just left my soul  mate. I broke it off with the fling and started dating my now-wife for real. A week later I was at her families for Christmas. A week after that we were basically engaged. She agreed to move out of state with me, the people I was supposed to move there with had dropped out. Her family was telling us to just get married, she wanted to get married, and I was open and wanted a marriage and here I had this perfect girl who communicated well, had the same life goals and loved me. She moved in with me at my temporary spot.

We found out two weeks before the wedding that her classes wouldn't transfer. She was willing to move for me so I was willing to stay for her. We got married, serious family stuff happened (her Father almost died) and I didn't handle it in the best way, I didn't know how. That was where she first split, that was the rock that shattered my image. She moved out to focus on homework that she put off and never came back (her reason being that she didn't feel at home there) I wanted to move out with her and was looking at places, we found out later that she wasn't participating because she wanted me working full time (no leaving the state = no job) and I was waiting to get a job until we moved so that we wouldn't need an extra car. By the time this was communicated I went and got two jobs.

All went down hill from there. I blamed myself for everything, she liked me so much and now I was creating so many problems. To be fair there was a lot going on with her life, but as her life got better she never did. I finally found places like this and learned that wasn't the case. Her good periods became fewer and further between, the bad got worse.

A month ago I hit the mourning stage when I realized that the girl I married was never coming back. A week later she hit her first full blown rage while I was at work. I guess she thought I was ignoring instead of working. By the time I got off my shift she was fuming, I told her I wouldn't talk to her while she was threatening me and that we'd talk when she felt better. She called almost 40 times, threatened me, called me every slur she could thing of over the next three or four days.

When it got to a certain level I threatened her with a restraining order. She sobered up, told my best friend she would get the law involved if I didn't meet with her, he urged me to. We had a good talk, I told her I was freaked out and this was the last straw, and that I needed her to get treatment. She went for a session but is moving far away for school (I wasn't invited initially but at that point she wanted me to come) so the DBT program wasn't going to work.

We lasted three days before I made her mad again. Didn't see her for a week. Saw her for one day after that, she still wasn't happy with me. Didn't see her for another week. When I told her that I missed her and it turned into a fight was when I finally initiated divorce (this last Monday) In a month period there was a week straight of threats and abuse, 3 good days and the rest she was either gone or did not like me. I think she told me she loved me once without me saying it first.

Between my own experiences, what I had read here and other places I knew it was time to get out.

That's my story in a nutshell.