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I think about this more than I should.  The "if only's".  Sometimes I think if he didn't have this disorder he would have been long and happily married with four or five kids.  That's what he always wanted.  And I would have never met him.  Which feels sad, but then of course I would have avoided all this heartbreak.  Which makes me wish I had never met him.  But say his "happy" marriage didn't work out for some reason.  I still met him.  Would we still have fallen in love?  I'd like to think so.  I'd like to believe the connection was more than two damaged souls finding each other. 

The "If only's" are you trying to come to terms with your breakup. It's a defense mechanism that I played with myself to keep myself from accepting the breakup. I think it's healthy because we can see some of the things that contributed to a toxic relationship.

But all in all, the answer to your question, no one will really know. Who knows how the relationship would be if the didn't suffer from this disorder. He may liked to hide dead women in his fridge and eat them while wearing women's panties on a Friday night at moonlight. Who knows?

But it's when we can honestly tell ourselves that we are okay. We are perfectly okay, and will always be, without them, that we Cana truly detach. Keep posting, keep talking, take care of you, and all of a sudden, the first thing you think about in the morning, is what you're going to eat today.

What a feeling... .

The first thing I think about in the morning... . the last thing I think about when I go to sleep... . it's him.  It's been him since the day I met him.  

Guess I'm not okay yet.  Trying to detach.  Some days are better than others.  Today?  Not so good.

And that is completely ok!

YOU are completely ok!

YOU are exactly where you need to be right now!

You may not believe it, but I guarantee you, 6 months from now, you will understand. Work on you, stay busy, workout, find a reason! (That's enough with the exclamation points, kinda emabarrassing) lol.

Read my post in December and January if you don't believe me.

Stick around. And stay NC


Arn

A quick story.

I was 6 when we visited Colorado for the first time. It was a summer family camping trip. My dad was reading a newspaper and told my mother the Dead were playing the following Saturday. He asked if she wanted to bring us, and she said yes. So we went. My sister and I couldn't believe the gypsy-type people we saw. Everyone so nice and cool... .

Three weeks later he taught us how to tie dye t-shirts. He was a Vietnam draftee, product of the 60s, and he told us stories of the war when we were making these shirts in the driveway. We had a blast.

I remember I had on a tie-dye shirt one of the first nights I met my son's mother out. She laughed, made fun of it, and I never again wore one. Or had a Dead Dick's pick in the car ever again. It has been 14+ years. I stopped listening and believing in things I loved because of her.

Between baseball and family graduating high school all weekend, I've been really busy this weekend. I was able to buy some White T shirts and dye. Tomorrow I will teach my son how to tie- dye shirts. Something g my dad taught me. And I will remind him of memories he was able to have with "Gramps" when he was alive.

My point is is there anything you stopped doing, believing in, or forgot about since your relationship with your ex? If so, make a plan to reunite yourself with those things... . because you will survive, we will survive... . we will get by... .

Arn


www.m.youtube.com/watch?v=8YSTeJOxiaw

very cool arn !

My point is is there anything you stopped doing, believing in, or forgot about since your relationship with your ex? If so, make a plan to reunite yourself with those things... . because you will survive, we will survive... . we will get by... .



i've been working on that.

For much I relate to Emelie. 

Still every day the loss of my family is on my mind although it’s more than 3 yrs. later now.

Yes, I made great progress, sometimes I am amazed about it. Other days… , well, falling back. As replied in today’s subject of “what did you lose?”.

Thanks Arn for the inspiring words for this Sunday morning (mid EU time).

I am one that remembers almost everything, good, fun and bad, hurt.

Having a memory like that is however a burden when I a negative mood.

These kind of discussions have no point at all. It's basicly a regression into a fantasy state and only prolong your pain. Borderline is character disorder, they are hardwired this way.

Thanks for reminding me Boris that the loss of my family is “just a regression into a fantasy state”…

Seems I am one of “those” people who can’t coop with loss. However as being mid 50 now, can’t remember anything else which I couldn’t coop with in this way (I have an excellent memory).

I doubt that Broderline is a character disorder. Many is written on this Board which seems to contradict your statement.

Further many evidence point at biochemical brain influences (Amygdala), processing emotions give a significant different brain activity between BPD and “non”.  Signs are that BPD can develop because of “triggers” which the subject face. 

I'm truly sorry for your loss. They operate on a level which is completely alien to an emotionally mature person so it's normal to have tremendous difficulties coping with this kind of experience. Still, clinging to a fantasy image is only a way to avoid reality and perpetuate your pain.

Present day psychology classifies Borderline as a character disorder for a reson. While genetic predisposition could play a key role in disfunctional affective memory which will result in failure to internalize object representations. It doesn't really matter if it was nurture, nature or both.

Later events in life will only trigger the maladaptive coping skills and primitive defence mechanisms which all stems from developmental failures with pre-oedipal levels of arrest.

Boris, when you say Character Disorder are you  meaning the same as a Personality Disorder?

The last Dr. We visited, told me in confidence regarding my husband of 25 years, that he could medicate him and take some of the "edges off" ( Bipolar also runs in his family), but that he couldn't change or influence core personality as this was more or less developed by age 5.  Long term behavioral therapy could prove of value, however, DH would have to be motivated, committed, and take ownership of his situation.  When he walked in and sat down to meet this new Dr. For the first time, DH boldly said, "What are you going to do to fix her ?"

Sounds like classic BPD to me!

Personality Disorders were previosly known as character disorders. No wonder if you look at the definition of "personality", which is "a dynamic and organized set of characteristics each person possesses that uniquely influences their behaviors, motivations and cognitions in varying situations."