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So I was in a bad space this morning.

Motorcycle cycle repair didn't go as planned. I know no repairs go as planned. But this one overstretched my under-employed budget and still didn't get done. I allowed this because I thought it would be giving something to my self that I enjoy. Something in which I might find joy.

Not sure if that triggered or the fact that I kept ruminating about today being the day I know my ex is off with someone drinking and dancing while lying to my replacement. Got in a bad head-space, sent her two emails asking if she is okay. (she knows my condition can get me into a needless panic) nothing.

Got shot down from a friend.

Nerves were whacked. Tried loraz, nothing. Couple glasses of wine nothing. Read some wonderful posts here and finally felt some peace.

Took a nap, sleep off the wine. And woke up ready to put it all in the past.

Decided to do something else to find even a bit of momentary joy. I haven't danced in over 8 moths. Found someone to go out dancing. Went to a favorite spot before I met my ex, which became a favorite spot with my ex, but thought I would reclaim it post-ex. Band was so so. But I was out!

After the first break, I went out for a smoke. Coming back, they were playing some better music. I was excited to get back in.

What the heck! As I was going back in, who do I see? My ex and her little crew. My friend said we're not dealing with this, let's just go.

We walked back to our cars and said good night. After he left I just sat there. Then I decided to go back in.

She never saw me, but I couldn't stop watching her. I stayed for less than a half hour until the band took another break. Saw her dance to songs that were our favorites. Wasn't triggered by thoughts of love or longing. Her moves and mannerisms were so typical and normal. Like she was acting a party role.

But I am probably projecting.


I really tried to do something positive for myself today... . I tried twice!

I don;t know if it is Karma, the Gods, or what that is saying "Not time yet."

Also don't know if I should let her know if I was there, incase she or someone else saw me at some point

Pecator,

I wouldn't tell your ex you were there unless she asks you first or says she saw you there. It's a no win to tell her first. She could say you stalked her or something like that even though you didn't.

Glad you got out there to go dancing. Good your wanting to have some fun. Maybe there's another dance place she wouldn't ever be at.

Yeah you got out to get away from her and have some fun and there she is.

Sometimes it seems like we are being tortured but hopefully everything happens for a reason I like to think and believe.

Today I was unintentionally remembering a Christmas moment I had together with my ex and at that exact moment the ice cream truck in our neighborhood drove by here playing tunes on the truck as usual that attract people to get ice cream from it. The songs on the ice cream truck rotate about every 30 seconds. Its a random song/tunes list that is recognizable to everyone and the truck blasts out tunes through neighborhood. Would you believe Jingle Bells is on the track list? It drove by here and started playing that song at the exact same moment I am having this thought about Christmas with my ex. Was really creepy.

Peace,

AO