BPDFamily.com

My uBPD wife of 1 year filed for divorce when we hit 9 months.  She'd gone into another rage and bit me, then moved out and made up a story, that I tried to restrain her.  I did nothing of the sort.  Then she filed a TRO against me which has been reduced to a civil order.  She taunts me, even saying she can say whatever she wants, but I'm not allowed to, as if rubbing it in my face.  She has become vindictive and hellish overnight and I don't recognize this woman.  She is NOT the woman I was dating!  She showed signs of BPD all along, but they didn't get bad, untili she moved in.  I feel she is taking out all of her anger she had for the father, that abandoned her and abused her, against me.  I still love her very much and recognize she has a problem, but I can't allow myself to be charged with false allegations.  She is out for blood.  It seems like just yesterday, we were holding hands and she was professing her love to me.  She was grateful and felt blessed to have me in her life.  She wrote her own vows and gave me a list of 365 reasons she loves me, but now says that was all lies... .   I miss the great times we had and pray to God, she will snap out of this phase and 'turn me white' again.  She is finally seeing a Psychiatrist, but nothing has changed.  I feel he's treating her for Bi-Polar and not BPD, plus she's most likely NOT telling him about her rages, etc., just blaming me for everything, like she did when we went to a marriage counselor.  It was always ALL my fault... . even though in private, she would apologize for her behavior and thank me for being patient with her.  I have countless emails and texts stating this and illustrating her Jekyll & Hyde behavior, etc.  What can I do to save our marriage?  I feel like no one is on my side.  Her mother & step-father know she has issues, but think I am at fault, based on the lies she tells.  Even my lawyer doesn't believe that she acts like this, cause she seems sweet and innocent in public.  I'm tired of the devaluing and defamation, etc... . What can I do?

I'm looking forward to any responses you get. I'm in a similar boat. My husband is undiagnosed, but I'm almost positive he has BPD. He has been in cognitive therapy for three years, and I also went with him and it turned into marriage counseling. While I felt his therapist validated my feelings, and would try to get my husband to compromise or see more than just his own view, she was usually pretty unsuccessful. I got tired of going for him to just complain about me, but do no work on himself. All effort was coming from ME, while he would "agree" in therapy then get home and be worse.

It is hard for people who don't see this angry, volatile side of them to believe us, but I KNOW. I live it, and it doesn't matter if no one else gets to see it, it's still true. My Mom has seen it, and so have my kids, but even if it was only me, I matter, and I have to be done behaving like my husband is the only one who matters in this marriage. I've allowed his cruelty to run my life.

You sound like me, sort of beat down and confused by all that has happened. It's like they yank a rug out from under you. I went from being the "best thing to ever happen to him", to being his scapegoat and the reason for all the drama and issues. His adult girls have been a nightmare, but I'm guessing they are some form of PD too. If both parents have such high issues, no wonder the kids do.

I want my marriage to survive this, and I'm reading and trying to enact change in MYSELF, because I can't change him, only he can. I just want peace, but not at the cost of my sanity. I hope you get some practical answers, from people who are more in the know than me. Those who've been in the trenches longer... .

... . "Her mother & step-father know she has issues, but think I am at fault, based on the lies she tells.  Even my lawyer doesn't believe that she acts like this, cause she seems sweet and innocent in public.  I'm tired of the devaluing and defamation, etc... . What can I do?"... .



Greetings.  I can't tell you to stay or leave because each situation is different, but I will share my experiences with you.

My situation deteriorated in a similar way, with the police being involved; a bogus restraining order; threats to "do me in" because she "knew the system" (she is Social Worker) and additional threats so over the top, I would have spent years trying to un-do the lies.

Regarding their FOO, my 'ex' came from a totally dysfunctional background, so I had calls from them too, threatening me.

The last straw for me was her telling me she was going to make allegations about my daughter that would result her being put in a "foster home" (my daughter from a previous marriage).  My "T" finally told me that dBPDxw could call the police pretty much at will, and I would be thrown in jail. At one point I had to leave my own home (the home I bought personally) because she called the police.


So with all that, how could I claim "I loved her".  The answer is, it wasn't healthy love but being deeply enmeshed with a dysfunctional person that reinforced my own "damaged inner self"; issues I had inside of me, long before she came along.


It isn't love at all we feel for them, not when they do these sorts of things.  At times I almost felt deserving of it too, because I had internal issues that I carried way too long.  Whatever love I had in the beginning was now simply dysfunctional.

If anybody told you of a relationship like this, and asked for advice in reconciliation.  What would you think?

I do have a question though.  As your wife has filed for divorce and is moving on, how do you envision trying to "improve the marriage" at this point?

Peace