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Its a year and a half since I left. Feels like yesterday. He has been so angry and devastated and cruel, putting the kids in the middle of it all which at times has made me want to hold my hands up and say ok I surrender, i will just come back and pretend that we didnt have 12 years of high conflict. I went to New York for a week. Coming home I cried at the airport, knowing he and the kids wouldnt be there to meet me, that i miss the family so much, that I am getting into debt trying to struggle as a single mum without his help.

Thats why I come back to my friends here... . when it all gets me low people say I should give up feeling guilty, and sorry for him, just be angry and tell him to f off. Go out and have fun with friends. Plan a holiday, get a new boyfriend. But no matter how hard I try I cant get angry. why. I forgive him everything. I focus on the good times.  I cant see beyond the dream that I wanted and that we had for many moments between the ups and downs. The kids are with him tonight. I wish I could go there and cry and hug him and make it all ok again. Maybe I dont want to detach, thats why I moved to a house 300 m away! 

Hi Cmjo,  I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you are ignoring all the drama and rage that are part and parcel of a BPD r/s.  I suggest that you remind yourself of all the negative interactions that led to your b/u.  A BPD r/s is a roller coaster, and it sounds as if you are recalling only the highs, not the lows.  Suggest that you focus on the total picture.  Hanging onto "the dream," as you put it, may be unrealistic.  LuckyJim

I think it's okay to grieve for the "dream" and the "moments" and wanting "to make it ok."  

We are so hard on ourselves.  We wonder, why can't we let go?  Why can't we move on?  Are we codependent?  Are we enmeshed?  Are we enablers?  Are we broken?  Can't we just get mad and move on? Et cetera.

Maybe, as a starting point, we are human beings who want to love, and who long for connection.   That doesn't mean we have to stay stuck with a dream/fantasy of our former partners forever.  But, it means we can accept that it's painful because we have hearts that want to love.

I wanted to "rid" myself of pain.  I wanted to move on.  I wanted it now.  But it didn't happen.  No matter how many times I wrote a "list" of all the crappy things that happened in my relationship.

Healing did not start until I repeated to myself, over and over, that the "answer" -- whatever it might be -- in INSIDE of me.   That's where I started searching.   It's not what happened, it's how I process it.  And that answer is inside of me.

We're here for you, CMJO.

Its so good to have you to talk to, thankyou for listening.

I think only time will tell, I am so gutted for my ex, because he continues to be so angry with me. Tonight when I collected the kids he was angry in front of the kids, almost ,aking them guilty they were coming to see me. My s10 said to him, "and you say that itts ME whos always angry". S10 who has defended his dad for a year since I left, oerhaps is starting to see the light. Listen to that, I said I am gutted for him, not for me! I am worried for him that he cant ever get better. He was always angry that life treated him badly, and when I left him, after his previous wife and girlfriend had also left him, he can now say, " ha, see its true!"

His anger used to be a way of emotional blackmail to get me back, to forgive him after an argument. I had to beg him to make the peace. Now I think all this time he is waiting for me to cave in and go back. As I wrote above, it has occurred to me!

As time goes on and I get stronger, I am just so sad that he cant recover. He is in therapy but its just scratching the surface. I have to remember his therapist said to me he is sick but he is trying to get better. I have to remember its an illness. It does hurt me that I loved him so much but I cant help him with his illness.