BPDFamily.com

Paranoid   ||||||   30%   50%

Schizoid   ||||||||||||   47%   40%

Schizotypal   ||||||||||||   47%   56%

Antisocial   ||||||   27%   46%

Borderline   ||||||||||   32%   45%

Histrionic   ||||||||||||   43%   52%

Narcissistic   ||||||||||||||||   65%   40%

Avoidant   ||||   11%   48%

Dependent   ||||||   25%   44%

Obsessive-Compulsive   ||||||||||||||||||   80%   45%

So... . on this board... . hopefully JADEing is allowing  :)  ... . to explain my OCD 

Anyway... . one of the classic questions in life is does someone pick a profession that compliments their personality or does their profession fundamentally change them. 

In my case... . I had a long career as a Naval Aviator.  I argue that I was fundamentally changed by that.  Procedures matter... . on a carrier deck you do things in a certain order and in a certain way... . or bad things happen.  Certainly this leads to "ridgidity" on some issues because a lot of the way I used to do things involved life and death.  I haven't flown an airplane in a couple years and I would say I have relaxed some and "eased" my views... . I would say that many in my family would say I'm still a bit "extreme" on issues or viewpoints.

Follow that up with pesky sleep disorders.  Those seem to be lifelong disabilities that are "managed" but not cured.  Management of those involves going to bed at same time... . keeping a routine... . getting up at same time... etc etc.

Lastly... . I'm a process guy.  Lots of things in life I see as tasks to be accomplished that have no real value... . but they need to get done.  So... if I can get them done more quickly... . I can get on to the real things that matter... . like talking to my kids or taking a walk... .

Things with no value would include cleaning the kitchen... . doing laundry... . any variety of household tasks.  It does need to be done right... . clean dishes and clothes... . but if we can get the same work done 10 minutes earlier... . all the better... . that's 10 minutes of swinging on the porch talking about life with one of my kids.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about uBPDw here... . but I would like to make a comment about me and dealing with BPD.

We had a term in aviation called compartmentalization.  Even if you were pissed at your squadron mates... . life sucked... . whatever... . you better pull yourself together to get the plane on the carrier deck.  Otherwise you are likely to get wet... . or worse... .

Well... . there was a while before I understood or even heard about BPD that I was putting my head in the sand and hoping she would snap out of it. 

Now I know my enemy... . I still don't totally understand that enemy... .

I also understand that the only chance I have to win this fight is to compartmentalize... . and focus on the task at hand.

The stakes are high.  I have 8 children... . myself... . and my uBPDw that my actions will affect. 

I believe that I am attempting to stop the 4th generation of BPD (my kids)... .

At this point I'm not sure if I can win.  But I am sure that I am going to give it my all... .

I really wish this task had fallen to someone else... . but that is not my choice. 

Any thoughts on me?  Anyone else out there think similarly to me... . and maybe had to modify some view to successfully deal with BPD?

OCD can be great because you get things done at a high standard that are worthwhile and you do so efficiently, too... . but it also generally speaks to rigidity.  That has a place in certain rare environs; naval aviation being one prime example, I would think.  

A hallmark of good mental health is adaptability and flexibility. The OCD qualities that are necessary for naval aviation could wreak havoc in other more relational environments, but that wouldn't matter as long as the person is able to be flexible and adapt. If not, it could be very difficult.  

Complex attachment relationships, for example, appear at least on the surface to be very emotion driven and are not necessarily logical in nature and there are way too many variables to track in real time so you can't do it 'perfectly' ala our OCD preference based on patterns, routine, structure, etc. Our primitive brain often runs a big part of the show in relating. The logic is hidden from our view, but it's generally there and we are seeing the logic of seemingly emotion-driven relating patterns via neuroscience more and more... . but not in the heat of the moment.   So, I would think being able to be flexible and adapt to what is no doubt a MUCH different environment (naval aviation that requires OCD traits v. a complex relationship)  would be incredibly important,  regardless of how you achieved your OCD leanings originally (whether via nature or nurture... . most likely it was a combination of both.)


Yes.  I had to modify some of my views.  Most of the things I have needed to work on needed addressing anyway... . the pwBPD just made it more urgent and dramatic that I get a clue.

I had to get better at managing my own emotional life and not get so whipped around by my partners emotional ups and downs.

I had to stop viewing a relationship as a win or loose event and think about it more globally and more relationally  (a entity of it's own involving two nervous systems together and affecting each other either for the good or ill of all involved)

I had to learn to take better care of myself emotionally... . (I generally always took good care of my physical needs but was guilty of expecting my partner to help me out with my emotional regulation when it takes ALL of his resources to manage and  cope with his own emotions.)

I had to become a much better listener.

I had to develop better self care and better boundaries for  myself.

I had to learn to emotionally validate my partners feeling and stop trying to fix, analyze, teach, label or correct him.

I had to learn to let go and grieve my losses.  They were usually not the losses I was anticipating and working myself up over; they were still losses, but just not the kind of losses I thought they would be.  

I had to learn to stop being a control freak in relationships and accept people as they are.  

Most of these things I've made a lot of progress on but it will always be an ongoing process.  


I think this can actually be helpful. If my partner is having an emotional dip, instead of being hooked into it on an emotional level myself, as I did in the past, I acknowledge he is in a bad place for right now, and then I give myself permission to stay focused on my own life and daily tasks.  I use to have horrible anxiety whenever he was in a bad place, but I'm able to feel steady and not as affected anymore.  I don't know if that is technically compartmentalizing.  Because I'm not in anyway denying or avoiding the reality of our situation or tucking it away from awareness;  I'm just not affected by it because I don't make it about me or catastrophize it the way I use to.  I think what I'm doing is more of a radical acceptance approach, but I think if you know how to compartmentalize, radical acceptance has some similarities and is available to you... . but with radical acceptance you are probably being more aware and accepting of what is ... . than when we compartmentalize.  With compartmentalizing, we sort of tuck reality away from awareness as needed, with radical acceptance you embrace the reality and lean into it, and then move along as needed with increased awareness.  

Thanks for the awesome reply.

I'm going to think on and process this some and come back with more questions.

Can you give more detail on how you managed your emotional life.