BPDFamily.com

Is it inevitable that a upwBPD will replace close friends and partners?  Should I expect that even if I try to use all the things I learned here and elsewhere, the day will come when my friend walks away from our friendship anyway?  Trying to figure out if there is any relationship I can maintain or will I eventually hear that my friendship meant nothing to her and then she'll cut me off.    Not sure if it is worth the effort if that is ultimately going to be the outcome.

 

I've been majorly disappointed a bit more than a week ago. After giving it my all.

Still... . I will try to not answer bitterly.

I think it is hard to predict. I think "they" are all different. Even if the pattern is so strikingly similar.

Like a friend said: "The only thing they are predictable in is that they are totally unpredictable."

I don't think they all run. But it will be a ride in the roller coaster.

Well, if your friend is truly BPD, that is one of the hallmarks... . a long-standing pattern of unstable relationships.  I look at my uBPDexw and it is sad... . she has literally not one functional long-term relationship.  Not with family, not with friends.  They cycle in and out of her life like a revolving door, and when she cuts them off again... . it is always "their" fault... . because they judged her or didn't love her (i.e. they didn't want to deal with her behavior any longer)... . or she judges them as being bad for her in some way (which means she no longer finds them useful and it is time to turn on them, even though she always knew they were screwed up people).  :)on't mistake that for being alone.  She is *never* alone for long.  She always has new friends and new men (or recycled old friends and men) coming in and out of her life.  She lures the guys in and controls them with sex, and she always has "supportive" friends she hangs out with while she trashes them behind their backs for being "losers" and "whores."

But none of those are lasting, close, trusting, committed, inter-dependent relationships.  They are only really capable of relationships that are more like unspoken agreements, where they can control everything, control the other person or be elevated above them, and trample boundaries, do what they want, blow up on you and then leave when they want (but you aren't allowed to do the leaving without being hated or clung to).  They are not really capable of long-term committed attachments.  It's more like living in High school or Middle school drama.  They cannot handle anything that remotely looks like displeasure or judgment (even though ANY good, close relationship involves mutual challenge and calling each other out when necessary).  They cannot handle boundaries.  And they don't understand why everybody is so "bad" to them (its always *the other person*, even if they admit to doing terrible things, themselves).

BPD will try to lure in new partners any way. my xBPDgf went from r/s to r/s every 6 months. Even after she left a guy, she would keep in contact with him so as to affirm her power and control over him again and again.

Trust your intuition. If you feel inside your gut that she will abandon you, then it is very likely that she will.

A good r/s should be easy, and full of laughters. If it is full of fears then that is not a r/s. Why looking for love from someone who cannot be loved, why looking for friendship from someone who cannot be true friend. If you do then disappointment is certain.

Thanks OutofEgypt and Onceconfused. You're absolutely right.  I can't believe how much power I let this person have over me. When things are 'normal' even for a very brief moment, I seem to get amnesia for all the crazy badness that I have experienced.  I don't understand why that happens.  What is it about a relationship with a BPD that makes me so quickly overlook or forget all the awfulness-the rage, the lies, the Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde behaviors?  I wish there was a way to generate that same feeling of 'addictiveness' to healthy relationships. 

Today I received baiting texts and then silent treatment. Yesterday was a big 'woe is me' text from her and a text reminiscing about how I have been there for her through all the bad things she has gone through recently.    Crazy making! 

I know I have let her have the power.  And I know it will be used against me.  I think I just had moment of wishful thinking that I could maintain some sort of non abusive friendship. 

I know that is not possible now.  Let the grieving begin.

Yup.  I think its because we are in survival mode.  We numb ourselves to survive, so when the storm gets quiet (even though it doesn't go away) we are so thankful that we don't really even think about LEAVING the storm in the first place.  All we really want is for it to work with THEM. 


Haha.  Yeah, I've thought that.  But I think the point is that healthy relationships DONT feel addictive.  They feel calm, not intense all the time: either intensely awesome or hell on earth.  They feel... . like you can relax.  That is what I wanted at first.  In fact, in the early months of my marriage to my uBPDexw, I did relax.  And I paid dearly for it... . for being a failure to meet all her needs.  I realized that relaxing was bad.  But no... . actually, it is good.  That doesn't mean healthy relationships don't take effort, but it is more like doing something you love rather than something you HAVE to do... and it goes BOTH ways.

I was also thinking about my current situation... . you know, I'm alone now and I sit here and sometimes get down on being alone.  And sometimes I get bitter.  But I realized it was because I wanted a woman as a "savior"... . like if I just had a woman who really loved me I would finally think I was someone and finally feel like my life is okay to be happy about.  But I believe that false belief is exactly what made me susceptible to being caught in her snare to begin with.  Here comes this extremely beautiful, sexual, yet needy and broken, person who has all of these intense feelings, tells you that you are everything they asked God for, and acts in such a way that makes you feel needed and important.  And then they hook you and destroy you and you spend the rest of the relationship trying to get back to the original feeling, chasing a futile dream.

No, I don't need a woman as a savior, I realized.  It isn't fun being alone, but it is better than being with someone who will suck the life out of me.  And the more I realize I don't need a woman to make my life something worthy, the healthier I will be for a healthy relationship.

Perfect description of what I'm feeling right now. Thank you. I'm 6 months out and every bit of my relationship dependent, esteem deficient self is screaming to find a woman who can love in a healthy way so i can heal with help, but like you said, that was so much of the problem in the first place. Definitely no fun being alone, and new healthy friendships grow so slowly.

you will be replaced for your current purpose, unless you decide to stay forever which your purpose is financial support and emotional trashcan at their discression.  once you have seen too much your role becomes much more limited.  though you may be recycled in time

I also forgot they will use you to make the new person jealous. 

While I believe that it's important to listen to what our gut or intuition is telling us, I take issue with attaching it to what someone else will do.  How does that differ from feelings = facts?  Isn't that a BPD trait?

We have a lot more say in these relationships than we give ourselves credit for, or that we're willing to own up to.

I have been reading forums, books and sites from pwBPD to understand the various perspectives on what drives BPD behaviors that seem utterly seductive, irrational, abusive, and soul sucking at varying times to me.  I have repeatedly read that those who recognize they have the disorder want empathy from their loved ones, to recognize that they don't want people to abandon them despite the pwBPD's effort to push people away.  But then I read (and have experienced) how a non loved one can be cut out of a pwBPD's life at any point without explanation or closure.  Is trying to be empathetic and staying in a r/s of a pwBPD the definition of unconditional love or definition of insanity?  It is like the scorpion and the frog.

yes, its virtually impossible.

It can also be ruinous.

Each day is different (sometimes each hour).  Highs and lows, the roller coaster ride from hell.  That's the wondrous fun about BPD.  You're never bored when you know or are with someone with BPD, even though sometimes you wish you were. 

You may not be bored, but you can be ruined. And it can happen fast.

You have been warned!