BPDFamily.com

So, I have been nc w/ BPDmom for nearly 2 years.  It was something that had been a long time coming due to various reasons from childhood up to my marriage of 13 years -- you all know the drill.  I knew I had to "do" something about her and her crazy crap, but never had the guts to actually confront her and deal head on.  One weekend, she was visiting our home (5 hours away from her home) and started being her super witch/queen self.  My husband who does not mince words called her out on it and it started an all out explosion off emotion and nastiness spewing forth from her.  Here is my issue:  most of me is grateful to my husband for finally opening the flood gates and letting things go.  This has been the best, most peaceful 2 years of my life.  However, there is a small part of me that is a bit resentful that he went ahead and did that without me having much of a choice.  What's done is done, and I am honestly glad to have her toxicity and crap out of my life.  Being the kind of person I am, I would still probably be mired in it, wringing my hands in anxiety and misery, and wishing I could cut her out of my life.

  glad you're here to vent a little  |iiii

I'll offer you this - when one person observes another person being abused, that first person is being abused as well. He or she might not be the one being cursed or reviled or struck or beaten, but it is an abusive situation for that observer nonetheless.

When your husband, more than likely after how many similar scenes with his mother-in-law, your mom, saw her in action, and he called her on it - you don't describe how he did that exactly, I am imagining maybe a "Hey whoa, no you don't" minimal type thing? - and then she erupts -

She proved exactly what he'd had enough of and what you've absorbed your entire life - she is entitled to exploding and hurting people.

If the issue is that he said something without seeing how you felt about it first... . and the comment he made pretty much led to this nc you've benefitted from, yet you have very mixed feelings about it -

Don't hold the wrong person accountable for your mixed reactions. I do get what you mean - at some point you had hoped to address her behavior yourself.

As someone who never had a single person stick up for me like he did for you, and that's not your problem, just how things worked out for me amidst my siblings and the man I was married to for almost 30 years when my mother would do just like yours -

You know how you envy something you never had - appreciate your advocate if you can. He loves you, sick and tired of his own home being waylaid with filthy ugly hatred... . and said so.

Having a maelstrom of emotions about it is due to her abuse I think... . all of us have radars that are really way way off kilter.

I'm sorry it sort of blindsided you.

I'm glad you brought it up.

And maybe most importantly, have you told him it left you a little stunned, that he said and did what he did?

I think if he reassured you it was for the health and welfare of his family and his home, you could maybe lay this burden down.

I hope so.   |iiii

It sounds like he expressed his authentic reaction to her emotional abuse. I'd think that if you've had a pretty good marriage for 13yrs, most of you probably appreciates the *totality* of his authenticity which over scores the individual incidents. 

Thank you lucyhoneychurch for your thoughtful response. I can't tell you how appreciative I am for what you wrote.  I want to print it and frame it!  My husbands response to my mother came after she kept boasting on and on about my younger sister... . the story of my life.  He had finally had it! 

Thanks also to you PleaseValidate for your response, and taking the time to give some great advice.

Peace.