BPDFamily.com

The person in my life with BPD is my 73 year old father.  His behavior was somewhat better as he has aged, but he also complicates his life with alcohol use.  When he drinks alcohol his behavior is much more difficult.

He has had a twelve year, overall good, relationship with my husband.  Two weeks ago they had what seemed to be a simple discussion over my children's baseball game.  When my Dad told my husband how he should coach the team, my husband replied with "I have to coach it the only way I know how".  My Dad apparently took this as a huge slight.

The next day my Dad informed me he was "done" with my husband forever and would never step foot in our home again.  He has sent me e-mails calling him names and has said he won't spend another moment of his life on earth around him.  He seemed to work himself into a rage and was making crazy statements to my Mother that he was going to leave, live in his car... . very irrational comments. 

When I informed him that he was going to behave normally around my kids or he wouldn't be spending time with them it angered him even further.  He has now worked himself into a frenzy with name calling and anger.  He sends messages alleging my husband is violent (not even close).  He informed my brother that when he dies, he is to make sure my husband and I don't attend his funeral.

His history has always been one of chaos.  When the buttons are pushed he makes grand dramatic gestures to "hurt back".  He continues to show up at my kid's ball games sulking in the background and being a nuisance.  I hate to take my children from my mother who loves them dearly.

It has been two weeks since he has spoken to us and I almost don't care if he ever does.  The problem is that I must cross paths with him due to my Mother.  I guess I'm just looking for any helpful words and any insight on your experience with how long the grudges/anger lasts?

Thank you!

It ranges. Totally depends on the person, from what I gather. Some do the all-white-all-black mind shift in days; some continue to hold their grudges for life.

Not very helpful, I know.

What has your past experience with your father been?

His anger was never directed directly at me so much.  I always was a victim to his moods, but he was more vicious with my Mother.  Historically it was temper tantrums, bad behavior followed by days of the silent treatment.  Eventually he just expected everyone to pretend like everything was fine.  Lots of crazy dramatic anger.

I think he's spooked because I have the ability to disconnect if I choose to.  The things he is saying about my husband and I are really venomous and he continues to "up the ante".  Ugh.

Everything was fine -- for him. And that's all that counts with them, right?

My mother is the same way.


Yeah, that ability brings out the worst in them. And the smear campaigns are hard to bear. But, try to think of it that you are lucky you *do* have the ability to disconnect if you choose. If you do, eventually he will have to give up and go after other prey.

Wow you hit it on the head.  I've felt like he's running a smear campaign against me over an ill perceived conversation at an 8 year olds baseball game.  As silly as it sounds to an outside person, my Dad starting "friending" my friends on Facebook (he doesn't know these people) with the idea that he could start blasting me.  It feels totally crazy.

Sometimes it feels like I'm being stalked by a crazy person!  Thanks for your input... . it really helps.

My mother is 67 and is currently on the attack because I have placed a boundary she doesn't like. She has attempted to illicit support from my brother and sister in-law, and all three of my adult children. They refuse to take her side so she has decided to publicly shame me on Facebook intimating that I was in town for 3 days and never came to see her. That was not the case and I stated so in a response however she did not clarify that to her many friends who responded about how sad/hurtful that must have been for her.

I, like you, am a new member and I am formulating my boundaries and consequences to present to my mother. I hope that I can have a relationship with her but that will be up to her.

Can your mother see the children without his involvement?

My experience with my mother as well as my husbands uBPD ex wife is that any backing down from the boundaries you have set will prolong the grudge because every time he believes he has gotten to you it reinforces that his current approach will work and get him what he wants. 

I know how difficult it is but keep focused on why you initiated this boundary and get creative on how to include your mother in a way that is safe and healthy for your family.

I've got to figure out a solution with my Mother.  My kids (twins) have always gotten off the school bus at my parents house and I pick them up after work.  My Mom is physically disabled with hip and knee replacements, so it was a great solution for her to see them for 20 minutes and me to work.  However, now I may need to rethink it.  She kind of understands because he has targeted her for far too many years, but I still feel bad.  His infidelities, anger tantrums, silent treatments, and dramatic behavior has finally worn me down after 45 years.  As silly as it sounds I think the most hurtful statements were the ones he made towards my husband.  I'm kind of used to it towards me but my husband was the first loving, normal man in my life and the attack on him shred me to pieces.  I was done at that point!

Isn't it amazing what we can tolerate?  Oddly the behavior that finally opened my eyes to the reality of my mothers abuse was the shaming on FB. I could not fathom than any healthy loving mother could ever do that to her child no matter what her age. Now as I write about my experience and read about others I am shocked by how normalized the abuse has been for me.

I totally understand why you don't want to deprive your mother because your father can't manage himself. Clearly your kids and their safety is paramount to you and based on your comments and my own experience you certainly can't trust your father not to try to include them in his attempt to gain the upper hand.

Maybe you can do a Gma date or something so they get to spend time together at least until you determine if or when it is safe for them to return to your current routine. Just a thought.

Hello fellow Bee! I'm in kind of a mirror situation. My uBPDm flips on a dime... . I'm either in her all good column or all bad. No rhyme or reason as to why sometimes or how long I'm in either column. And you have kids in the mix. I have to interact with my mother because I want to have a relationship with my father, as disordered as he is (uNPD). I have had to take a step back and ask what my values are, what my priorities are and try to act from there.  It has meant setting boundaries (finally) and they are now moving 900 miles away, I think in part due to my boundary-setting; my mom feels rejected. It means I am losing the relationship I have with my father, but I've gained privacy, self-respect, the ability to have my own emotions and ideas.  The reality is I lost him awhile ago, he just continues to spin out of control with her. It hurts. I'd say do what you have to do to protect your kids, even if that means spending less time with Grandma, unfortunately. Figure out some other way they can spend time with her, if possible. And try not to triangulate with family (venom directed at your husband through you for example)--it helps no one.

Thanks so much everyone!  It is really very helpful to hear from everyone.  I woke up dreading today because my kids have a game and I know he will be there trying to seek attention.  Just being able to hear from others makes me remember I'm not crazy:).