BPDFamily.com

Man I tell you I have never in my life felt so attacked and ridiculed as I did yesterday... . we are coming off a wonderful month with no issues... Her grandpa pass away last week so its been rough all around but her BPD has kicked in high gear... from awaking yesterday to texts at work to home last night I was doing this wrong saying this wrong looking the wrong way or she could read my mind and I was feeling or thinking this way or that way... Then boom I had a melt-down... I got down on my knees and begged her to get help and accept the diagnosis  and go back to the Doc... . then of course I was told I was in her face so on and so such... She said she was leaving again marriage was over etc... . then my words became knifes and I said couple of dumb things and she storms out calling me every name in book and telling me to go to h---... So I track her down to a parking lot where she planned on sleeping and after being told more I do wrong and the condescending words she went home then I stayed in the lot for awhile to cool down and get my tears out... Then at home in the middle of the night I had a coughing spell... I wear a c-pap anyway she freaks out like I am dying and holds me close the rest of the night... and this morning she is in her guilt trip phase... . Is it just me or has anyone else had a night like mine and what can I do to avoid another one and get back to peace again or at least less chaos... ?

I have been pushed to the point of losing it quite a few times. I am a silent explosive person by nature. So, there's only so much ranting I can take before I blow.

Right now he has been going on & on since he woke up 3 hours ago about my daughter putting half effort into everything. Sadly, he's right about her lazy attitude. However, nobody wants to listen to this crap all day. So I went mute and look up him but don't say a word, and now he's heated over that.

I know that feeling Washisheart... . sometimes that seems worse then engaging in a argument... saying nothing at all... I still get verbally beat up either way... . the thing after all these episodes is I know normal... . Allot of times I miss normal... but I also love her with all my heart... .

What you describe was pretty much our typical routine for the first 25 years of marriage.  I started alanon and learned not to get sucked into her game.  Very little of the drama now. Still extremely unhappy and dysfunctional.

Hi wilsonian,

so she was upset and grieving. And it certainly was not wise to push her so hard in that moment. Awareness of her emotional state by careful observation and validation is the easiest and one of the energy efficient ways to avoid chaos. Often unintended invalidation of a pwBPD is a major source of escalating conflicts. I find it harder to tell myself to avoid invalidation and easier to focus on something I can do actively i.e. validation.

But then it is also impossible to avoid upsetting a pwBPD - trying to do so is not healthy. And when upset the attacks on us can be vicious. So what is your plan for the next time when you feel you reach your breaking limit?

Wish I really knew an0ught... . I run threw different things in my head but mostly playing the what-if game in my head and what else am I doing wrong in my head... . I am going to try to validate and be really really super understands and try to remember its not really me that she is angry at and best response is no response... . I will take any ideas anyone may have... . Thanks

Hi wilsonian,


The key to not loosing control is to take action earlier because when being pushed relentlessly we will get to the point eventually where everyone will freak out. Check out this workshop: TOOLS: how to take a time out (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=84942.0)

Thank you for the link an0ught... . think the biggest button she pushes with me is when I leave the room she is throwing all kinds of hate bombs and degrading bombs to get me to come out and engage again with her... then of course its all my fault... . I must learn to discipline myself better that is for sure...

Exactly... . !  You seem to know what she wants you to do... . don't do it.

I was in this place months ago. 

I will put up one warning... . that I have heeded from here.  Take a break from the drama and focus on learing about limits.  Don't set a limit until you are ready to stick with it.  Because setting one and "backing down"... . is worse than doing nothing at all.

So... . expect a frustrating period where you know you should be doing more... . but are strategically waiting until you sort out your side of things.

Remember... . Focus on changing the person that you can change!  YOU!

Please keep coming back... .

LOL... . which time?

You have to just STAY FROSTY. Easier said than done, but some of the methods people talk about on this site will teach you how.

And, if there's any chance that the marriage isn't going to make it, this is DOUBLY important, especially if there's kids involved - the BPD WILL latch on to any instance of "abusive behavior," no matter how minor or silly it seems to you, and throw it right back in your face. The difference is that it'll be done in court papers.

No need to walk on eggshells if you've learned to deal with this... . but there's no reason to blow up either.

Yes, you do... . but don't think this is all your problem. Too many of us end up expert dealing with our BPD's outbursts, but the central problem - the reason for the outbursts - never gets addressed. Those are just symptoms. Think of a heart disease sufferer - yes, he can learn to deal with the chest pain, but until he does something about the root cause of those symptoms, his life is in danger. The same is true of your relationship. Until she learns how to deal with her anger, your relationship is in deep, deep trouble.

Insist she get better with therapy, and get some for yourself.

thanks Form and Boss... . this site has helped me allot... Boss wish I could convince her to get help... we or she has been 5 different ones for help... one who diagnose her twice... started dpt but the word self harm and suicide came up and she bolted... . now she says it doesn't exist but I see on our laptop where she is reading up on BPD on line... . but you are both right I need to work on the one that matters and I can fix and that is me... . or get thicker doors and walls so I cant hear her scream those things at me when I leave the room...

Count your blessings.  You are a bit ahead of me... because she is doing research... and has at some point been diagnosed... .

Mine is stone cold sober about believing I am 100% the problem... and she is the victim... . or something like that.  Can be very convincing.

Can I ask some questions?

Any kids?

Might be good for a while to lay of pressure on her and focus on learning.  Then... . when you starting doing limits... . I wouldn't make a big announcement.  Just do it.  They will figure it out.  It's not a punishment of them... . it is what you do for yourself.  If it impacts them... . so be it.

If you do say or explain anything... . take a deep breath... . say it once... . done repeat... . make sure you are clear.  They will want to act like they didn't hear... . argue... . etc etc... . they are looking for drama.  Don't give it to them.

Note:  This doesn't cure them... but protects you... and I bet lowers the temp in the relationship.

Last:  I'm still on the newer side around here... . so make sure and bounce my recommendations off what others have said.

Hang in there... . I saw benefits from limits.  I was much less reactive.