BPDFamily.com

My spouse is a sex abuse survivor.

She has no interest in sex and it is very important to me.

She is open to me reading a book and her following it's advice or so she says now.

So, has anyone have any recommendations?

My dBPDxw was also a survivor of sexual abuse.  It helped for her to be "in control". 

Were you aware of this before the marriage and did you discuss it?  Has she even considered seeking some help?

Peace to you

Try "Adults Molested as Children" by Bear and Dimock. Published by SaferSocietyPress. It is short but quiet good.

That is a very tough issue and very common to BPD.

Good luck.

The Courage to Heal  by Ellen Bass

Book Description

Publication Date: Oct. 27 2008

Come to terms with your past while moving powerfully into the future

The Courage to Heal is an inspiring, comprehensive guide that offers hope and a map of the healing journey to every woman who was sexually abused as a child—and to those who care about her. Although the effects of child sexual abuse are long-term and severe, healing is possible.

Weaving together personal experience with professional knowledge, the authors provide clear explanations, practical suggestions, and support throughout the healing process. Readers will feel recognized and encouraged by hundreds of moving first-person stories drawn from interviews and the authors' extensive work with survivors, both nationally and internationally.


Contemporary research on trauma and the brain

An overview of powerful new healing tools such as imagery, meditation, and body-centered practices

Additional stories that reflect an even greater diversity of survivor experiences

The reassuring accounts of survivors who have been healing for more than twenty years

The most comprehensive, up-to-date resource guide in the field

Insights from the authors' decades of experience

Cherished by survivors, and recommended by therapists and institutions everywhere, The Courage to Heal has often been called the bible of healing from child sexual abuse.

Corraline, Is that the same Ellen Bass who is a poet? If so her poetry is so good.

just googled it, looks like she is a poet.

Thank you all.

In response to the above I will say that this is a tough issue for me.

I assume this is a safe place for me to speak frankly and openly about my needs without getting a lot of heat for being who I am.

We had discussed her past before marriage.

When I met her she was the most sexually adventurous and exciting woman I had ever met.

Honestly, the sex was part of the whole package that I signed up for when we married.

I love the person she is, brilliant, tender and caring and... . a hellcat.

SO this is really frustrating to me.

She quite drinking which made her less wild.

Then she started taking Xanax to go to sleep.

In short I want her to be healthy mentally, but I also want to have sex again and not just begrudging sex, which has also stopped.

My uBPDw is the same way. I "know" that her last husband did some abusive things to her. From all she has told me about her past she has been abused in some way.  We had great sex for 2 years and something happened in her mind and she stopped. I have not had sex with my wife in 14 months. Not even a passionate kiss or hug. The trigger? I thought about another woman 9 years ago when I was married to my first wife. Too long of an explanation to tell how she found this out. What she has done in her past isn't up for discussion. It's a double standard. I don't know if I will ever understand this. Not sure how long I can keep this up. We can't even discuss the issue.

I have been on a roller coaster of sorts with my BPDw the past 7 months or so... but her abuse was as a adult... She has told me all about it and it was worse I ever heard in my life... But she was the same... in the beginning WOW... . making love was awesome the first 6 months or so but then it was up and down... some was actually physical things like vaginismus to yeast infections real bad... it was almost like her mind was making her suffer on purpose so we couldn't make love... . then things get great again for awhile until the next thing comes along... . anyone else run across this>

?

You are in a safe place.  Please speak frankly. 

I will also tell you that you may run into some that will challenge you on things that you say.  Please welcome this... . and don't take it as heat.

1.  There is most likely part of the story we are missing.  Please tell it.

2.  We all have issues... . I certainly do... . and being aware and focused on doing what we can on those... . so we minimize the negative impact on our relationships is huge.

I can understand the frustration.  It is common in my relationship for things to spill over into my sex life.

One of the hardest things I had to work through... . without getting mad (or to be honest... . without getting "too mad" was when she tried to break through my limits by withholding sex.  And I'm not talking about telling me no... . I'm talking about I'm about to penetrate and she uses her hand to guide me away... . and tells me I can get in there... . if I give up my passwords.

Luckily... . I had thought something like that might happen... . so I didn't flip out.  A time or two of me not reacting... . saying I was sorry she felt that way. 

She dropped it... . and the sex life was back on.  She described it to our marriage counselor as "I started feeling silly for doing that... so I changed... . was very minimalist about it and denied trying to use it as a weapon."

At that point I focused on moving along... . not "proving" that she was thinking something else.

Sorry if this was a bit to "detailed" for some... . but I really think this should be a place to speak frankly... . with great detail... . because you never know when someone else will need advice on this same situation.