BPDFamily.com

One of the many things i found strange with my exBPDgf was the way she used to text message.  This was a woman in her early 50's, but her text messaging was like that of a teenager or young person. For example, when using the word "what" she would use "Wot". the word "This" would be "tis", plus many more child like ways of spelling.

My question is, is this common for pwBPD to do this, or do non BPD 's in middle age also do the same?

I hear you on that one!

My dBPDxw was more like a "human parrot".  She seemed to have no real opinion about anything, but was quick to suddenly repeat what she heard someone else say, as though "this is the real me".  Somebody told me her FB account had 200 pics 195 of which were her sticking out her tongue, blowing a kiss and all the things one would expect of a teenager.  She is late 50s.  

Can't say I witnessed the texting thing but I wouldn't be surprised.  Emotionally she was around 15.

Peace

My ex would want to text message for hours about really intimate or important conversations that i felt should have been left for a phone call or face to face.  It was so frustrating. Alot of times i would miss something or misinterpret something and feel confused.  I would ask him to call me or vice versa and he would not. i would call him and he would not pick up but continue texting and texting.

I ended up hating texting, only because I fell in love with the woman on the other end of that iPhone, exaggerated by my own fantasies of who I thought she was, or was it wanted her to be.  In any case the real her was absolutely nothing like her text persona; she liked texting because she could stay mostly emotionally disconnected, which allowed her to live in a persona of her own creation by text.  Silly me, I bought it, and it was very sad to realize the text person didn't exist and my fantasy had to die.

Tidbit: it's said 55% of communication is body language, 38% is tone of voice, and the remaining 7% is the actual words.  So with texting, or any written communication, we're missing 93% of the real message!  Duh.  Note to self: don't ever place more than 7% importance on what gets communicated that way.  It's had a ripple effect for me; except for business emails, I do all of my communicating with people either in person, or maybe the phone, where we at least get 45% of the real message.

thanks for the tidbit info heeltoheal

he seemed to have more confidence or persona in his text messages.

Mine was usually quite the opposite. Sent terse texts, and got angry sometimes and said I wasn't respecting her and I should call and not text... .

My uBPDxbf is quite the opposite. He is in his early 50s also. He won't use any abbreviations at all and will divide the whole text into paragraphs as though it were a letter. I was surprised though that my texting - some abbreviations and writing it as one long chunk of text - didn't seem to bother him (as he was extremely critical of anything I did) although he would always go into defensive mode if he didn't understand something so, "lol" almost set him off one time.

Ahh yes!  The text messaging!  It's funny how we almost become addicted to responses from them during the relationship.  We didn't text each other constantly but there was plenty of it.  She would send me a message daily at 5:15 am, before work.  I looked forward to it, it felt good to hear the tone.  I don't really text with anyone else on that level.  I remember after I found out the first time she cheated on me I looked at her phone a few times.  She was texting other guys and I wish I never saw what I saw.  Things like "I love you", "your Kock must look so good", etc. 

     Texting fits perfectly with the Dissorder, there's no emotion.  It's easy to hide from facing a real conversation.  My X broke up with me by text!  I still wonder if it's her when someone messages me.  The sound of the incoming text is like a drug, you become addicted to it.  As far as my x, she loved all the emoticons, cute childish stuff.  I hate texting and will not communicant that way with anyone again. 

She always spelt reply "replay", and had awful spellings. She claimed to be dyslexic.

One thing with her texting was her impatience. If I didn't reply within a minute there would be a "?", then "where r u", "please replay", "u alive".

Heres an example of a message from her - I've deleted almost everything she ever sent me, this is from facebook:

"I'm not at collage today I'm poorly and I tried get into doctors but there all booked got go again another day xxx"

another

"The 6th god chris memory and try type in a para good phones crashin sr"

Now obviously, I know the context, but just examples of bad spelling, does BPD affect spellings? hmm who knows, but I can see how 'impulsiveness' may lead to less of a desire to correct mistakes, But even in jovial conversations, spellings sucked, could it be all part of one big thing, the upbringing? Pressure in childhood?

Yes texting was the main form of communication, She would text daily around 1pm, usually when she was on a break from hairdressing college. Yeah I am certain - 100% - that she was texting other guys too, probably things more intimate than she sent to me. With me being a little older than her I think she saw me more as a father figure. Well, I know she did.

I got broken up with via text - she needed to 'injoy' herself. I find myself hoping its her when I get a text. Its hard to get over in that sense.

Ohhhhh I texted constantly. The messages would get increasingly anxious if I didn't reply. Again with the need for attention.

The thing that always confused me was that my ex was always surprised if I had something else to do but text. So she would text me when she knew I was driving, during my work meetings, during yoga class, and still expect immediate replies. If I told her I was busy, she would say she was stupid and useless... .

yes, the texting!

mine became a texting fanatic she could type about 55 wpm on an iPhone.  SHe could be so ambiguous through text.  Through text she sould gas light and triangulate.  Text and social media for the pwBPD are like tools to drive the partner insane. 

Before she had an iPhone things were tolerable.  In reality she should have a flip phone.  SNap chat is the worst thing that ever happened to mine and her relationship.

Oh wow yes, I'd be at work, serving on the kiosk (where she met me) and she still texted me, and expected me to reply. When I put a stop to it, she made out like I was neglecting her, and eventually (after the silent treatment and her secretly making plans to replace me) she made out as though it was her idea and the right thing to do. She also used to go completely OTT if I didnt reply immediately. She could type as quickly as I could think, I had no way of keeping up. Used to drive me crazy - and actually its a form of abuse. Psychological control over us. If a guy was doing it to a woman... it would raise eyebrows.

Text and social media for the pwBPD are like tools to drive the partner insane.  

If it wasn't for the misrepresentations and confusion of text and Facebook, our relationship would have been over far sooner; she just couldn't live up to the sweetheart she was by iPhone.

And that was just an exaggeration of what happens with all of us; face to face is best, and the phone's OK as long as it supplements and not replaces real connection.  Texting is very weak communication.

Haha snapchat was the beginning of the end for us too -  when I saw she was snapchatting other guys I lost the plot - she told me I was needy and unconfident and that I creeped her out!  red-flag

Thats exactly the truth - they use it to manipulate us, we met in person, started Triangulation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0) on facebook, upgraded to text, she blocked me on facebook, then started snapchatting.

But the truth is, she was the worst thing that happened to her and you relationship. She would have ran off no matter what. Show me a BPD relationship that lasts a lifetime - it doesn't exist.

Mine just couldnt spell for the life of her and couldnt articulate well verry child like i used to want to tell her use your words lol like i have to to our daughter lol

Ditto to this.  Whatsapp became his main communication channel with me.  Spelling and wording was also not the best, he also claimed to be dyslexic.  Text was often highly ambiguous and this  would cause great anxiety and concern for me.  For instance, when he was expressing suicidal intent, he would use dramatic statements like "It's done!","It's finished, it's over... . ".  And I would wonder, what is done, finished and over?  Him, his life? Our relationship?

And then once, he was away hitching a lift to get to another city as he had to meet up with someone there and then he texted me throughout the night, walking along the highway.  Telling me how cold it was.  Telling me "He's gone. The man you knew, he is gone. I am leaving him at the side of the road".  He would use vague, dramatic, theatrical language with a lot of poetic license.  The theme here is that he hated himself and the man he has become as a result of all the childhood abuse and trauma he lived through.  So I guess he was trying to tell me that he was trying to become a new man or something.  But, he was walking around goodness knows where in the dead of night, in our crime-ridden country, and I was worried sick about him, and did not know how to read the meaning in his messages at all.  Was he being "poetic and figurative" or was he feeling suicidal and wanting to end his life.

His texting was definitely a huge source of worry and anxiety and panic for me a lot of the time.  But in hindsight, it suited his needs so perfectly. He could set the tone, he could keep me guessing, he could bait me, he could extract attention and succour from me at the click of a button.  He could hide himself away from me, and avoid direct questions from me.  He could communicate entirely on his own terms.  It definitely was a tool for him to manipulate and control and have an upper hand over me.

Another thing that was very disruptive and draining for me, is that many times, my soon to be ex BPDh would lock himself away in the spare room in the house, and avoid me. But then the text messages would start flooding in on me.  Reams and reams of Whatsapp BPD diatribe about how I should have said this, or rather done that, and then he wouldn't feel this and then he could have done that, bla bla bla. He was full of hypothetical talk, and the tone of it was always that if I had not done or said something, or if I had done or said something, then things would have been so different.

And these messages used to carry on throughout the night, because he hardly ever slept properly, unless he took sleeping tablets or tranquilizers. Eventually, I had to force myself to put my phone on silent through the night, and lie it face down on the floor beside the bed, so that I would not see the face of the phone light up each time a message came through.

On Saturday or Sunday mornings, I used to get up early to either go for a run by myself, or to meet up with my sister for a walk.  I used to get up at around 4am sometimes, to meet her early, do our walk, and then be back by the time my BPDh would get out of bed and start his day.  This also became a source of dissatisfaction and anger against me.  One morning I was up at 4am, making a cup of coffee quietly for myself in the kitchen, trying to keep the noise down and just enjoying the peacefulness of the pre-dawn hour, when he started sending me a barrage of Whatsapp messages again from behind the locked spareroom door. Dramatic, self-pitying stuff about how he wished that he meant as much to me as my sister means to me.  That I would pay attention to him as much as I did to her. Bla bla.  When that past week, all my life had revolved around, besides my 8hours at my job each day, was fielding his distress calls and messages and worrying about him. It was all about him and his chaos and his distress.  And when I went out of my way to get up extra early on a weekend, and my sister also made the effort to get up super early so that we could do our walk early so that I could get back to him asap, he just bombarded me with more resentment and recrimination and accusations of not caring about him!

Like someone else mentioned here, I am NEVER going to conduct the important conversations of a relationship with someone in written form, be it email or texting, ever again.

Its amazing how they all follow the same patterns. Text upon text, almost quicker than is humanly possible. Its abuse, pure and simple.

The ambiguity, the onslaughts of messages. I also ended up silencing my phone and even sometimes just took the battery out. Nothing worse than walking on eggshells on a daily basis.

"Used to drive me crazy - and actually its a form of abuse. Psychological control over us. If a guy was doing it to a woman... it would raise eyebrows."

Christoff... . thanks for posting that... . more people need to take notice of your observation. I did not have this issue with my BPD, but I was supportive to someone dealing with this phenomenon and he suffered severely from this intense form of control. It was painful to watch.

I know how it made me feel, so I can only assume it makes others feel similarly. I used to dread texts. I see it now as some brat sitting there exerting their control over their little minions.

Its not right, ther onslaught from these creeps is inhumane, unlike a face to face argument where you can force your point across, when someone is incessantly texting you - one text upon another with 2 or 3 seconds break - with insults and accusations, and sometimes even threats - its abuse. Its a sign of a seriously disturbed mind.

Its painful to watch, painful to go through. glad its over.

Christoff... .

yeah ... . the thing is if we are healthy you just block that form of impersonal, controlling communication (when it is being used by a person as a means of control and abuse).   The fella I was supporting (I was his sponsor in a 12-step program), after a while it was like he was just picking up a ball peen hammer and hitting himself in the forehead every time he picked up his phone. She was the most evil witch I have ever been around. It was unbelievable. Being around that gave me the perspective to not ever get into that loop with anyone.   It was quite enlightening. It's hard to see if you slowly get lead into that situation on your own in an unhealthy relationship. Watching someone else suffer really rubbed it in my face. Quite an eye-opener.

So much for he benefits of technology. LOL!

My ex used to text me while in the same house together.  She would get upset at me for something stupid, go to another room and text me to "go to hell".  I can't think of a better form of emotional abuse than that.

I did not experience this with my ex directly, but I witnessed him experience it with his ex wife on several occasions.  I am not diagnosing her, but if I didn't know better, I'd say she probably suffers from BPD herself.  The two of them were quite a pair... .

Last November I found out my X cheated on me with her boyfriend from before me.  Well, I found out she was with him through most of our 1 1/2 yr r/s.  For all the reasons we know, I kept trying to have her in my life.  Things were very different, I didn't trust her.  I found out, by reading tons of text messages on her phone, that she had been with 5 or more people not just one.  I would wake up and look at her texts and was horrified each time.  I'd get bull___ lies every time.  I was searching for answers and found them!  Why she never deleted them was beyond me but they were there and I'm glad it lead me to this realization that this Dissorder exists.  I know she couldn't say NO and it gets her in trouble.  It's really just a shame, waist of a great person

It makes me wonder how would you define a "great person". If you really want to be honest with yourself, she would not fit the criteria. I prefer to view them as a failure to become a great person. They still have the possibility but only few take the chance and make it throught therapy.   

I was able to crack open my uBPDxw cell phone records online (she had a go phone). I was HORRIFIED at what I saw! The woman was totally freaking out of control. She was texting several people from the time she woke up at 5:30am till she went to bed at 11:00pm. Not only was she texting my replacement by several other un-Identified guys as well (I called one to confirm). It was like she was ADDICTED and like a kid in the candy store being able to communicate with several guys at once. She was even communicating with these people when we were in counseling trying to save our marriage   Well I was trying to save the marriage.

Seeing her cell phone records and the out of control texting is,what took me out of my depression and made me come to the realization that she is a very sick person and that I was LUCKY to have SURVIVED my time with her! I still get FREAKED OUT at what I saw in her cell phone records

This constant texting/communication thing is my ex to a T. What do you think this behaviour seeks to fulfil? A need for constant attention? Validation? Love?

It actually started my relationship. She started FB messaging me one day, a friend of a friend I had met a couple of times in passing. I did wonder why she would take an interest in me but when a sweet and nice person is befriending you it's not exactly logical to push them away.

Now I understand why you are constantly running around inside that little box! 

There all human when you really look at the facts.  No, good people don't lie, cheat and manipulate but that is the disorder.  I didn't say "Waste of a good disorder"!  I feel better when I think of the good times not the bad all the time, after all, she gave me insight to my own issues.  A gift from a f'd up good person.

I'm glad you're making something worthy out of this horrible experience.

Being human doesn't equate to being a good person. At least we agree about that. A good person by defnition has integrity, conscience, capacity to geniune care for others, hold moral values, empathic, honest, take self-responsibility. That's the bare minimum. When we speak about personality disorders, it's basicly just a way to address a certain bunch of character traits stemming from early developmental failures. Like we label humans "good" or more precisely "good enough" who managed to worked through the depressive position.

I guess we don't usually say things like "well, she/he was loyal to me, supported me through a hard part of my life" but that was only the "xy label".

Other reasons I'm inside that box looking for an opening to escape:  lol

uBPDxw has abandoned kids to me, now I'm a single Dad working Full time... EXHAUSTING!

     "      Is now shacking up across the street with neighbor... Talk about Fu**ing up kids minds

     "      Has disowned her Mom and siblings. They don't even know where she lives. It's now.     

            My responsibility to make sure kids see their Gram, Aunts, Uncles and cousins

     "       Doesn't help at all financially with kids. She never goes to any of their sports or

             School activities unless she has to take them.

*) but I'm trying to keep my cool :)

MWIC

YourWifeIsCrazy!

Every time I see your box I laugh! The situation is NOT humorous... . but humor helps.

I worked REALLY hard to get out of that box (mostly!  )... .

I really feel for ya! Truly.

Is there any possibility that you could move?

My exBPD was a terrible speller also and I thought dyslexic. So bad that he usually only called me, never text. Had a stupid phone and texting was too hard . When he messaged me on FB the spelling was so atrocious I hated it.

This seems to be another trait ? Going by what I see on here?

Mine started in a similar way.

I think that text is a very quick and efficient way to establish or confirm the presence of an attachment.  Think about the lack of object constancy that characterized BPD.  When the object is not present, there is no quicker and easier way to prove that it is not gone forever than a text message. 

My ex quite frequently slammed her hand down on the keyboard and sent me messages of totally random characters when she couldn't deal with her feelings. It was... . Unusual.

The misspelling only started when she drunk texted though. If I hadn't been worried about the state she was in when I started getting drunk texts, I would have found them truly hilarious.

Also BacknthSaddle... . Exactly that. I had to be available 24/7 or near enough. When my phone battery died one day, she had a panic attack that I hated her forever and had left.

Spot on.



Mine got angry and distanced herself if I didn't respond INSTANTLY. In this case, she nexted me and got the soothing from someone else available. 

Yes she IS crazy. I have to change my name to myXwifeiscrazy  lol Sometimes you DO just have to laugh! Keeps me sane.

I'm keeping the moving option open. I had to refinance last year to give X her 30 pieces of silver (Blood Money) in divorce settlement. I made out though as she was so impulsive to get out and live fancy free as the love struck teenager with my neighbor that she left me keep just about everything... . must be the Waif in her!  I'm waiting to see if she OFFICIALLY moves in across the street. She hasn't yet, I'm wondering what's keeping her from doing so. Part of me says F**k her I'm not going anywhere! But I would like to wake up one morning and not feel anxiety when I look across the street. In the mean time I'm fixing up my place in case I do need to sell.

Thanks for asking Infared, it helps to talk about it.

Interesting... . my ex... . (live in 5 years)... . I did everything... did all the decorating... . EVERYTHING... . I cooked, I did the laundry... . she would clean. That's it.

When she moved out... . (I did not know her pants were on fire)... . she left EVERYTHING.  Even gifts I had given her (that hurt... but of course, when you have no identity, it is hard for someone to find a special gift for you, because there is no you, and then you say you like it... . when you hate it... . but no one knows but you... . then you build up a resentment... . but no one knows but you... . on and on... and on... . )

The ONLY thing she took... . was the Sony Play Station... . this confirms her age. Ten-years-old I guess.  I will never know.  

Then ... . she left a TON of stuff in the attic... . which I made her come back and get... . (so self centered.)... I am not cleaning up your mess when I have to move! ... . so she takes all of the boxes and puts them on the curb. ALL OF THEM. Never even opens any of them. ( I was not there)... . all kinds of new pots and pans her Mom gave her, etc... . etc... . Like ... . OK... . I am throwing that entire life away (AGAIN!) and now I have my new life. The kicker is for me... (yeah baby... just keep kicking me)... . our town decided no bulk pick-up day for the entire winter... . and since she decided to run out a week before Christmas... . (it wasn't that bad, she got me a really personal gift certificate :-() ... . wonder what she got the new guy?) I had to look at all her crap... semi-picked thru by whomever... . on the curb in front of our house ALL WINTER! The boxes slowly melting from the snow and rain. I refused to move it.  I was soo depressed...

I just left it there... . What a horrible reminder ... . Thank GOD that is over with. Who does this stuff to people?