BPDFamily.com

So after three years of NC - I broke.  I felt I needed to because of a couple of reasons: 1) I'm considering moving and 2) They are family and I'll probably never see them again. 

My background: I'm going to make it really short due to time.  My FOO is the root cause but I can't figure out the "dynamics" of who ALL is messed up and if I'm a victim or also need therapy.

I was bullied as a child mercilessly at home by my father (initiated it) with my brothers (3) going for it. It led to physical and emotional and extensive verbal abuse.  I ran away at 18, got married (divorced in 6 mo), went to college, graduated, got married (:)), had two awesome children, moved BACK to home state, husband died (at 38), father died, then brother died in 2011. 

Year 2000 - husband died from cancer in 5.5 weeks.  This was the first "death" of immediate family and my family did not respond well.  They refused to allow me to grieve with one sister repeatedly verbally attacking me, "we don't want to be around you when your sad", "get over it" "We're tired of hearing that you are sad" "my divorce is just like your experience" etc.  My therapist wanted to check me in to a clinic to relieve me from my family.  My family never babysat, brought me a meal or invited me to events.  I became super introverted, spiritual and super focused on my kids.  :)

My relationships with them suffered a very slow death.  I also forgave all of them for their lack of understanding, compassion and love.

Present Day - I went 100% NC with FOO in 2011 due to their emotional abuse from brothers funeral (they nicknamed me "Angel of Death" and proceeded to tell EVERYONE at funeral what a God aweful sister I had been because my brother died feeling that I hated him.   As there was NO interaction before his death (due  to his decision to not have a relationship with me):

Was I suppose to respond to him because he is dying and my brother now all of sudden?  Am I a wrong person because I did not do what my family expected me to do? Is it ALL different now because it's not a SIL (my husband) but a brother?   

When I saw my two sisters/SIL on Sunday they are SO FULL of hatred because "my brother died thinking I hated him".  How am I suppose to know how he feels?  I told them that and they scoffed at my and REPEATEDLY called me a selfish b___.   That they had been there for me at the hospital when my husband died (in 6 weeks) and that I did NOTHING for my brother.  I really wish i had expressed my boundaries here and requested that they NOT call me names.  I told them that I loved them.  They said they never wanted to see me again.  BPD's on a group level?

I just believe myself to be their scapegoat for their inability to process their own feelings and have to blame someone (me) because I CAN handle grief.  Oh - and by the way, both of my children have become dr's.  I think this just drives them crazy.  Do I need to move away to get some relief?  I am WAY too close geographically to these crazies.

ANY advice would be so greatly appreciated here regarding:

1) How i should deal with them (or if I should)

2) Should I move away to further "grow"

3) Do I need a therapist?  I don't feel confident saying that ALL my FOO is messed up.  With a uBPDf and a an unengaged mother ("you kids just figure it out", there is a STRONG possibility.  I feel like an orphan.

Thanks,

Deb

Deb - please accept my sincerest condolences for so many huge grievous losses so closely packed together... . and aggravated so profoundly with these FOO manipulations and fallout and behaviors.

All I can think to suggest is think about a family pet, a dog, I know there is a point... . do you know if you let basically three dogs run loose, dogs that are normally man's best friend - that a pack mentality is there so quickly, they become very dangerous to livestock and humans, children... . their thinking changes, their reactions to "prey" changes.

Or sharks - they swim and cruise in schools, but let one of them get hurt or bleeding, there is a frenzy - they will eat one of their own.

Wolves are considered so dangerous - orca whales - yet let one of their own get hurt, they are protective, aggressively so.

I would agree yes, you were a convenient scapegoat.

If your recollection is really on the mark, and these people made such callous remarks about "get over it" and how you upset them being sad - and then heaped more abuse on you at your brother's passing - I'm just sort of speechless what rock they crawled out from under... .

What's your dream existence, short of having been born to another family (my dream all my life) ? Do you see yourself in nature, at a beach, in a busy city full of distractions? None of these situations would cure your history or provide a solution to spending time around them now - but just your few comments here make me think - you need life, bustling life, nature, sky, entities that are bigger than you in all the right ways that will pull you back to hoping and then maybe knowing that - there is beauty in this world and you are part of that beauty.

Many cities or communities have grief support groups.

You are in a unique situation having lost so many important men (even though two were bullies for so long) in your life in such close proximity.  Maybe see if there is a group you can visit and listen to other widows or adult children vent and share?

I'm very sorry for your heartache. You sound like you've been engulfed in so much pain long before these deaths and very abusive responses from them ever even happened.

Mob mentality - you sound like a longterm target that everyone has marked for "fair game."   :'(

You do not have to be a target. You can physically move away, mentally check off the box that says "it's them not me," and you can even tell them you are no longer a punching bag, you are no longer in contact and they will leave you alone from here on out.

The NC needn't be permanent... . but maybe long enough for you to surface and catch your breath.

I am so very sorry.   

Hi Deb,

Let me offer my condolences for your loss. The sudden loss of your husband must have been devastating. And losing a brother, even if you hadn't been in contact recently, is very painful too.

Your family sounds incredibly abusive. Yes, it sounds like they are scapegoating you and like they have been doing it for a very long time. If you feel that moving to put a little distance between you and them would be helpful, then that might be a good idea. I moved half a country away. It took a while, but I felt much more peaceful and relaxed after I had settled into my new home. I wasn't exposed to the constant water torture of insults or manipulations that can wear you down. Being away from my family gave me a chance to get centered and get a different perspective on life and other (less manipulative) relationships.

I've gone to a therapist who is well-versed in personality disorders and I've found it very helpful. She has also helped with the whole getting a new perspective thing. Plus, discussing events with a therapist has helped with dealing with sticky situations as they came up with BPD members of the family.

It sounds like you put a lot of focus into your kids and that they've gone on to be successful adults. Good for you, and for them! It's easy to feel orphaned when your family is attacking and unsupportive, but remember to look to the other relationships you've created. You can't control how you family of origin acts, but you can control who you chose to focus on and what kinds of relationships you build with healthy people.

Regardless of what you decide as far as moving or contact with your family, know that you are worthy and deserving of respect in your relationships. I wish you peace and comfort.

LucyHoneychurch -

Thank you for your kind reply.  Sorry for the delay as I have been packing and showing the house.

If your recollection is really on the mark, and these people made such callous remarks about "get over it" and how you upset them being sad - and then heaped more abuse on you at your brother's passing - I'm just sort of speechless what rock they crawled out from under... .


When my sister made these remarks and I asked for assistance from other family members in dealing with her (6mo after losing my husband) I was told that I was making a fuss for the family and that I needed to stop causing trouble.  This caused me extreme anxiety as I did not know how to process this bizarre thinking/feeling.  :)idn't my husband die?  As my sister was the sole verbal abuser after my husbands death, the rest of the family painted me as ungrateful and a troublemaker. (my children stayed with her for 3 weeks while my husband was in hospital) She was verbally abusive to my daughter at this time. My daughter needed therapy to deal with the death AND my sister.  

I am guilty of NOT telling them about the damage they have done.  They believe that they were "there for me" during my husbands ordeal - 6 weeks.  When I saw my sister on Sunday she said, "we came to your house and made posters for the funeral and everything!"  What she didnt understand is that she never came BACK to put 20 years of pictures away (I wasnt going to throw the posters away!)  So, by myself I put every last picture back into it's album and personally wrote 250 ty notes for gifts.  I did not call and ask them to help - but they don't realize the amount of pain to do this alone.

In 2010 my sister reached out to family members via FB to inform them that I was NOT a professor. That i was an assisting and not getting paid for it.  My nephew was like who cares? really!  My oldest brother called me to confirm my teaching creditentials/payment.  Why attempt to discredit a sister when there is little/no relationship anyway?  sibling rivalry/jealousy/disfunction?  What IS this behavior?

So, fast forward to 2014 - They believe it is my fault that my brother died believing I hated him.  I told my SIL that SHE should have called me to tell me that my brother had an issue - that I couldn't possibly know there was an issue.  She raged at me for this - I was suppose to show up/call/cook/offer myself because he was sick.   She has NO children/a home/job/life insurance.  I'm a single parent holding it all together since 2000 by myself.  I had NO life insurance/a crappy job/a house falling apart (literally).  I also had his birthday celebration dinner with him and SIL 4 months before his death.  But of course, SIL conveniently forgot that.

SIL/Sister  reminded me of what they did for me in 2000 - a "movie night" (at hospital) and showing up at my door (at home before funeral) once.  I had no recollection of this because I was going through HELL with my husband in hospital/funeral.  SIL/Sister were REALLY mad that I could not remember these two events.  of course, there were no more events after this that they could reference... . lol  

My fear is that i am so use to the disrespect that i just allow it. Sometimes I truly feel that my sister is pushing me emotionally so hard that it's really hard to just be alive anywhere in the world.

fyi - my son is getting married next year - my family will all be invited but I hope they have previous plans.  :)

Thank you all so kindly for reading my response, posting a reply. I believe my FOO requires family therapy - and will never happen.  So, leaving my lovely home, downsizing, but not sure where I will go.  

My thoughts and prayers for healing for all of us here trying to understand how to make it!

Peace,

Deb

1)The kind of contact you have with your family is up to you. It does sound like they have decided to assign you the role of family scapegoat. It can be difficult for people who are used to that role to believe in their personal value and right to stand up for themselves. It sounds like that may be true for you:


I think it will be very important to figure out what your personal boundaries are and find ways to take care of them. Avoiding your family altogether is one way to be sure they don't get too close to your boundaries. If you decide you do want to have some contact with them, it can be an opportunity to practice healthy confrontation skills and asserting yourself in a positive way. These resources might be a good place to start thinking about these things:

   

Healing - Shame in Adulthood and How We Move Forward as Children of pwBPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218299.0)

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)

2) Only you can decide where you want to live and whether you need geographical distance between you and your family in order to achieve a healthy emotional distance. Many people can find a balance living in the same city, while some people find it more helpful to make a fresh start somewhere else. You know you best.

3) I found therapy incredibly helpful. It sounds like you have a lot to work through, and some professional advice and perspective would probably be very useful for you. Is that something you would be willing to try?

Wishing you peace,

PF

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation.  I don't really have any advice as I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  I'll share my experiences just to let you know that you are not alone.

I have a dBPD family member and my experience is that they cannot cope with death.  I noted two difficult things:

1)  Mine had to be the center of attention.  It didn't matter who died, meaning the person that died could have been much closer to someone else but the true tragedy was how the death affected them.  In your case your husband died.  Your family probably resented the attention you were getting (or the attention they perceived you were getting).  In my case the death created an opportunity to be a victim and my family member with BPD escalated their bad behavior until everyone's focus shifted from the deceased to them.

At the time I didn't fully understand their condition so that kind of behavior only caused me to resent them.  How dare they make this about them?  Now I understand that the behavior was out of their control.  Still I have that seed of doubt in the back of my mind.  It's very hard when you don't 100% know whether a person truly can't help their behavior or if they are trying to manipulate you.  After years of this type of behavior I've become detached.

2) My family member with BPD has no coping mechanism for death.  Even things like the death of a pet would send this family member in an emotional frenzy that would sometimes land them in the ER.

Good luck to you.  Again, I'm sorry you had to go through that.  My condolences go out to you for your husband.  I'm sorry that life event was made even more difficult by your family.