BPDFamily.com

Hello bloggers... . I am relatively new to the BPD world, both in my relationship and in the diagnosis. The only benefit to any of my history is that I am 3/4's completed with my PhD in Psychology and I was a mentor/counselor for a large support group in Atlanta. In August of 2013, I married my husband, after dating a short, seven months. Within two weeks, he became overly verbally aggressive, then pushing/shoving and blocking my leaving the home when threatened. After weeks of never-ending screaming, name-calling and extreme verbal abuse, I had enough. I decided, after five months of marriage, I was cutting my losses and leaving him. This prompted him to get help, which led to a diagnosis of 1) Alcoholism, 2)BPD, 3) Narcissism Disorder, for which he is seeking partial treatment.

I say 'partial' as he was recommended a 90-day treatment center, to which he refused. AA, which he feels is ridiculous. Instead, he takes Prozac (which almost immediately stopped the aggressive outbursts) and seeks a DBT therapist once a week. He is also attending a six-week, once a week DBT workshop, but he thinks its pretty juvenile as well. (I recognize that BPD is not treated with meds, but they do, however, lessen the intensity of his behavior).

To him, he feels as though he is relatively all better. To me, just because the severe name-calling and physical attacks have stopped, I do not feel we are 'all better.' Yes, there are improvements and no, I am not minimizing them, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. The thinking is pretty much the same. Yet, the insecurity is even worse, as I must remain within a foot or less of him at all times.

The purpose of this long-winded post concerns medication. Now that he is feeling better, he came to me and asked me if he should cut his dosage (without doctor approval) in half. I EMPHATICALLY voiced my opinion NO! He promised he would not do it, but within a week, he started acting unusual. He was moody and appeared more needy than normal. Then, three days ago, he exploded on me, saying hurtful and cruel things, telling me he wanted a divorce, etc, etc... . I was crying and hurt and devastated. An hour or so later, he took me aside and he did not want to fight (like he used to) and we talked. He laughingly confided in me that he had, in fact, cut his dosage, but despite that, this was my issue and I was the one who instigated the fight.

Everything fell into place for me. This explained everything. Without my knowing, his meds started to wear off... . He has since promised to go back on them, but at this point, can I trust it is happening? In the two weeks off meds, I have been shoved once. I have been told he wants a divorce twice. I have been told to "get out" once, and have been crushed at the cruel and hateful things he has said to me.

Is this normal? Does this happen a lot? Is this a common scenario?

What should I do? My counseling starts this Thursday, so I am lost again as to the next step.

Should I call HIS counselor/doctor? As you all know, he certainly hasn't volunteered that information. Is that codependent? Out of line? Overstepping my bounds?

Any thoughts on this? I am open and I can clearly make up my own mind, but this is the most unique situation I have ever experienced with someone mentally ill.

Shawn

hi kshawn2014,


in these close relationships it is hard to maintain boundaries. But boundaries are what enable emotional regulation and stop abuse. So being clean here is critical. This is not saying you are widely off the mark in what you do, just saying a constant focus on my stuff - your stuff is quite important.


As important or maybe more so than your opinion would be

- stressing that this is between him and his T

- his T needs to be informed

- you believe you deserve also to be informed

PwBPD are rejection sensitive. It is much harder for him to share what he is doing if you take a strong stance on medication (which also may be toeing the line). In the end medication is just one building block - other building blocks are truthful communication and stressing that part (and leading the way yourself) is as important.


What good can come from that? In the end he needs to take medication voluntarily.

What about using SET to express

- his feeling of insecurity, shame etc.

- the fact that he tried something and it did not work. Which is not a bad thing - it is something he tried and learned. Patients try things out - that is normal. Sharing what he has learned with his T is important.

and leave it to him.


Trust needs to be earned. Some trust was lost and it will build up over time again. Won't come back faster by reaching out to his T or pressuring him.

It may be better to work on your boundaries as boundaries are key to dealing with people to whom we extend limited trust.