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I found out today that the animals I visit are being moved an hour away.  They are orphaned pasture horses who I've become particularly attached to, and they are essentially on their own.  I'm a wreck that they are being moved.  These horses have brought me so much joy, and healing.  It's meant so much to me. 

I've provided them care and companionship the last few months. I learned their story today.  A woman stopped by to let me know they are being moved and gave me the number of the caretaker who lives an hour north of here.    I called the caretaker this evening, and requested that they allow them to stay here, with me continuing to care for them every day. 

I'm crying my eyes out about this.  It feels like another loss.  I feel like I must be a nut for being so upset about this.  I feel a bit embarrassed about calling the caretaker, but I'm just so sad that they are moving them.  Is there something seriously wrong with me? 

I called a friend to talk about how I was feeling, and he laughed at me, and told me I needed to find some friends. That made me feel worse, and really incredibly stupid. 

There's been so much loss.  The r/s with the exPBD, my senior-dog passed away, and my father has incurable cancer.  I've been dealing with this all as well as I can and I've been able to manage it, but finding out that those horses are leaving made it all come back. 

No, there is nothing wrong with you at all. It's actually beautiful this type of caring for an animal. It is nice you get some relief and joy out of loving the horses. I am sure they appreciate your attention and love for them. Worst case scenario, if they get moved an hour away would you get to still visit once in a while the horses? I used to go into the country with a past girlfriend and feed pasture horses over the fence, it was fun.

Sometimes it just takes a trigger to make you feel all the stuff you've been going through. It's not stupid at all... . You're dealing with a lot.

All I can suggest is that, if it's the horses that are helping you get through your days, that you find something else to direct your attention to... . A local animal shelter maybe? Some hobby that you've fancied taking up for a while?

Hang in there. I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks for that.  I was seriously beginning to wonder if I'm a freak.  Those horses are so, so sweet, and affectionate.  One will sometimes rest his chin on my shoulder and fall asleep. I may be able to visit them.  I let the caretaker know that I wanted to continue to be in their lives.  I hope they'll allow that.  

Yeah, it was definitely a trigger.  When I'm with them, it's just the three of us out there in a private-quiet world.  They make me smile.  You're right, I'll need to find a similar outlet.  An animal shelter is a great idea, and there are plenty of pups and cats that need love.  I've considered hanging out with a herd of wild horses too.  Playing with horses was the thing that I've always wanted to do, and never got a chance to do.  That's why it has been such an amazing outlet.  

Thank you... .  

Can I just say wow? I'm really (really really really) not an animal person and I think you're amazing for wanting to help cats and dogs let alone meet wild horses!

IMO the important thing is that you never stop seeking out the things that make you happy and the things that make you grow as a person... . To me the fact that you found yourself an outlet says volumes about your determination to keep going on strong in life. Where there's a will there's a way.

I've been trying to 'live a little' this past year or so and sometimes it does amaze me how much things that seem insignificant to others can mean to you... . My tiny victory is competitive running. I've always told myself that I wasn't good enough to race. Nobody understands quite how much that push out of my comfort zone meant to me (no matter how badly I actually do!) Oh, and I learnt to climb trees because I never did when I was a kid. I'm scared of heights   :)

I'm sorry for your pain and additional loss.  I would bet my house that those horses are very blessed to have you as part of their lives.  But it sounds like they are going to be cared for in their new place.  It's important for people on this side of the board to maintain meaning in one's life.   Have faith that you'll continue to find meaning, even during the times of loss.  

I've found that my triggers, for sadness, anger, grief... . can come up suddenly and sometimes without a clear source for the swelling of emotions.  It's OK.  And sharing the emotion with others supports everyone with their experiences, strengths and hopes as we recover.

My only suggestion is to do a self check for depression and to evaluate if you need to address that with a professional.  

Again, I'm sorry for you losses.  My pup, who loved my ex more then me   is 14 and will leave soon.  My ex has forgotten him as well as me and told me that she doesn't want any updates on the pup's leaving.  She can't grieve or think about it.

But we are different.  We can grieve and honor those that bring joy and love to our lives, and then reciprocate with even greater depth and substance.  

Be well.  We all need to love and accept ourselves more.

thanks for sharing,

T