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I am 51 my wife is 42 our son 12.  We separated 11 months ago when my son and I asked my wife to leave because we could no longer take the physical and every other kind of abuse that she blamed on me and then my son.  She beat my son again on his birthday and we had no choice but to go to the police.  Things were horrible but since we went t the police it is off the radar!  I just got out of the hospital from a surgery I needed and have to complete 2 affidavits before the 13th of June, 10 days.  One of the affidavits is in defense of her 250 page affidavit, the other is for the police.  She has out of the blue accused me of rape and many other terrible crimes that are all totally crazy!

I need some serious help!  I am an American living in New Zealand.  My mom has BPD and I have been on the front line of that for 40 years so when my therapist, Doctor and I say my wife is BPD I am very confident.  I realised she was BPD only 6 months ago.  She has a better lawyer than mine and in New Zealand no one even knows what BPD is.  

I need help now to write these affidavits and prepare my defence and legal strategy.  I think I need a new lawyer.  Please get me in contact with the best BPD special forces team in the world.  Financially I am running on fumes because she emptied my bank account.  I have had to stop the film I am producing and am in full combat mode but need direction.  I love my wife very much and want things to work out but that is a huge long shot.  I am a good man and am asking for your help.  I am a good person  to owe you a favour and always get around to paying my debts.  PLEASE HELP ME AND MY SON!

Things sound pretty out of control in your world right now. Im so sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you feel that you and your child are in physical danger right now?

The smearing campaign sounds very bad, clearly your exBPD needs help. Has she been diagnosed with BPD? Does she have a therapist?

There must be a psychologist in New Zealand that is aware of BPD that can help you?

You are not alone in this BLK, many members here will relate to your experience.

Can't your lawyer file for an extension to answer the affidavits due to your recent surgery? 

Im sorry you are having such a hard time! You are going to have to sever communications with her completely. Only speak thru your attorney for now, have him tell her anything else is harassment. After everything calms down, you can go to emails so you have prof of everything said. DO NOT see her alone, don't give her any opening for any more lies.

Were here with you I know its tough, but things will be calmer for your Boy this way.

It's probably impossible to respond to 250 pages in detail.  You probably need to respond with a blanket denial of her allegations due to the mass of her allegations and your current status in recovery.  Focus on giving specific attention and response to the more serious ones or the ones more easily shown to be false, exaggerated or unsubstantiated.  Ask that she provide substantiation of her claims.  Otherwise, try to get the judge to decide that it is "he said, she said" and largely hearsay to be discounted and case dismissed.  You may also see a need to file a counter complaint against her, focusing on things you can document.

Does she have a history of filing allegations in the past, either with you or with prior relationships?  If so, that may weaken her case if she's quick to go legal.

Be aware she will make emotionally compelling claims you without and proof or substance.  Try to bring that point out clearly, she will try to obscure the facts with emotionally compelling claims, your task is to make clear her weakness - weak or no facts and documentation.  She will play the victim and target.  (That was ridiculous in my case, I had recorded some incidents and with my ex screaming, ranting and raging at me it was hard to believe I was the one misbehaving.)

Essential handbook:  Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger are focused on North American processes, but likely much can be applied to your country.

Can you get some inexpensive legal consultations with a family law attorney/solicitor even if you can't afford to hire one with a retainer?  Some local legal advice will be invaluable and you may be told strategies to deflate or sidestep her claims.

Good ideas from everybody, and I join with everybody in wishing you some relief from all this.

I'm not a lawyer, and nobody here can give you legal advice.  I live in the US, and things might be different in New Zealand, but I think both systems are based on English law and traditions, so maybe there are pretty similar.

I've been through some of this too.  My wife of 10 years accused me of assault and I went to jail (but just overnight).  The charges were dropped because the officers who investigated found evidence she was lying, but it still cost me $5,000 for legal fees, and it was super-stressful.  (My kids were 8 and 10 at the time.)

Here are some thoughts which I hope might help... .

* I like Catnap's idea about getting an extension for the affidavits.  If your lawyer doesn't act fast on that, you might be able to call the court and ask them how to do it, and they might tell you that the court usually grants an extension in situations like yours.  Maybe a letter to the court, explaining your circumstances, and asking for another 10 days.

* Focus first on the criminal issues.  Have you been charged with any crimes?  If so, you have some rights.  You should be able to get the police report and every other document related to the case, including whatever your wife said or wrote about it.  You probably have the right to know exactly what she accused you of.  In your affidavit, as FD says, you should make it very clear that the accusation is false - don't write something that leaves your guilt in doubt - say "Ms. K accused me of doing Such-And-Such on June 1, 2014 at Place.  This accusation is completely false.  I have never done Such-And-Such.  I was not at Place at any time on June 1, 2014.  There is no evidence to support Ms. K's accusation." etc.

* Make sure your lawyer is a criminal defense lawyer, not a family law lawyer.  In the US, these are completely different.  Family law lawyers are not qualified or experienced in criminal defense, but they may pretend to be so you will hire them.

* If there is any evidence to show that her accusations are false, do everything you can to get it.

* If there is any evidence that she has hurt or threatened you or your son, make sure to get it.  If someone has seen or heard her do that, tell your lawyer, so she can get an affidavit or subpoena that person to testify on your behalf.

* Do not have any contact with your wife, without a non-family adult third party present.  No phone or face-to-face contact.  Only e-mail through your attorney.  If you need to be where she is, maybe to drop off your son, have a non-family adult third party present all the time.  Otherwise she can accuse you of more stuff and she might be believed.

* Make sure your attorney does not submit anything to the court or have any meetings related to your case without your knowledge.  Read everything before it is submitted.  Make sure your attorney knows that the accusations are 100% false and that you will not accept any plea agreement.  Some attorneys make deals behind their clients' backs and then tell you, "If you don't sign this they will convict you of something worse."  If your attorney tries to get you to admit something you didn't do, fire her and get a real one.

Thank you!  I have tried to help my wife and tell the truth to protect my son.  I am running out of energy and need some help to stay in my body.  I was told by my lawyer that I have a 4 week extension.  I have to get my ___ together.  My wife did do this to the guy she was with before me and I took the case to the NZ court of appeals.  I fought that case for 8 years and now I am that guy.  I have called my wives ex to apologise for what I did to him. He forgave me and told me "chin up".  All of you have helped me so much!  I can not believe this has happened to you also.  It is like my wife is channeling a legal master mind.  I have to start focusing on the positive and producing positive.  I am stuck in this low vibration negitive reality.  I really need help and I am a great guy to owe you a favour.  Not that that is why you are helping me but it is still true.  What can I do to get strong again and stay strong?  There is no winner in this but I do have to do right by my son.  I hope you understand what I mean. Okay, I have you guys in my corner, that is a hell of a lot better than before I read your emails.  This is how messed up I am, how do I know you are not a bunch of BPD's who are going to ___ me worse?  I'm not that bad but I did have the thought.  Thank you!  Bless you all!  Don't go changing!  All the best!

Someone told me there are three sources of strength:

First, your family and close friends.  They might not know anything about the law or BPD, but they care about you, so if you can spend more time with them you will know you are loved and that is important.

Second, professionals - an attorney and a counselor.  They have experience and knowledge that you need.

Third, peers, like us here - people who have been through the same stuff so we can tell you what helped us.

If you can get all three of these on your side, you will be much stronger.

Remember, this is a marathon not a sprint!