|
Title: why can't we just have some fun ? Post by: bpbreakout on June 03, 2014, 07:30:17 PM Our kids look like being away this weekend due to their various out of school activitities. BPDw and I have both been really busy on a few things over the last few weeks including having and exchange student stay with us. It has actually been quite good as there isn't time for conflict and both of us I think doing things we like and find rewarding even if they have been seperate.
I have been looking forward to a quiet and relaxed weekend, maybe the two of us going out for a meal and see a movie or going to check out some of amazing things going on at the moment in the city where we live. Just had an sms from BPDw demanding that I spend the weekend putting "priority on our struggling relationship" . Of course part of me sees her point of view but why oh why does she have to put such a dampener on everything, why can't she send me an sms telling me she is looking forward to having some fun and relaxation over the weekend ? Title: Re: why can't we just have some fun ? Post by: empathic on June 06, 2014, 05:17:53 AM Yes, in my experience the cycle goes like this:
She treats me badly -> I take a step back, detach -> She gets upset, says we need to talk and work on the r/s -> I listen and validate, but we do not make progress -> back to square one again, she treats me badly because we do not make progress and I'm worthless to her. It's a vicious cycle that I am not able to break myself. It _could_ have been broken maybe, if she had been able to relax and just have some fun, in any of the steps above. Her approach to solving the problem makes me want to back away, and it accumulates up to a point where I'm now not sure I want to continue the r/s. Title: Re: why can't we just have some fun ? Post by: waverider on June 07, 2014, 09:36:15 AM pwBPD cant see the big picture, they tie everything into the emotion of the now. Hence there is no way past the drama of the day. A hiccup means the sky is falling in and thinking anything positive is pointless as the sky will always be falling in as far as they can see. Things can't be a little bit wrong, they have to be hopelessly wrong.
Letting it wash and not reacting is the best approach, otherwise it just validates that there is a drama.Thus feeding it. It is hard though, as at times it just feels like they are wasting their lives away one day at a time. If you allow it, they will waste yours too. Title: Re: why can't we just have some fun ? Post by: formflier on June 08, 2014, 08:06:31 AM I think ignoring the off comments is best. But validate the message and the concern. "looking forward to spending quality time together... . " or other such statements may be helpful Our kids look like being away this weekend due to their various out of school activitities. BPDw and I have both been really busy on a few things over the last few weeks including having and exchange student stay with us. It has actually been quite good as there isn't time for conflict and both of us I think doing things we like and find rewarding even if they have been seperate. I have been looking forward to a quiet and relaxed weekend, maybe the two of us going out for a meal and see a movie or going to check out some of amazing things going on at the moment in the city where we live. Just had an sms from BPDw demanding that I spend the weekend putting "priority on our struggling relationship" . Of course part of me sees her point of view but why oh why does she have to put such a dampener on everything, why can't she send me an sms telling me she is looking forward to having some fun and relaxation over the weekend ? |