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I made the hour and a half drive today to go and see her son.  His birthday was last week, he just turned 3.  I have not seen him in 2 months.  I walked in the door and he froze, he was so overcome with emotion that he literally just froze on the spot.  I went over and picked him up and gave him a huge hug and kissed him on his cheek.   It was everything that I could do to not cry.  I am not an emotional person at all, but this really got to me.

She lost custody of him a few months ago ( drugs )   really long story, I have posted some of it on this site.   I really really miss him like crazy.  I hate her so much.  We had a family, a life, and she gave it all up for drugs.  It was so hard to leave him tonight.  He was persistent on me staying over and not leaving.  He wanted to come home with me.  He said " can I come back home now "  that tore me up.

He now lives with his father.  He is a really good guy and does everything for his son.  I do get peace knowing that he is where he needs to be, but the other part of me loves him like he is my own and I miss him so much... .

Sorry, I really needed to vent.

I'm so sorry. 2 months for a 3 year old is like a very long time to them. Children speak from the heart justanotherguy25 and that is heartbreaking to hear. You cared very much for this little boy, you were his step father and an important part of his developmental life. What is your relationship like with the bio father for visitation?

It's hard.  We love and miss so much more than just them.

I was developing a relationship with his older daughter too.  I wish i could have said goodbye.  I wonder what i would do or say if i ever ran into her.  I can't contact her.  I think i would just burst into tears and that would upset her.  She is a sensitive soul with alot on her plate.  I hope she knows how much i care about her .

I'm sorry that was so sad for you justanotherguy25. That sounds heartwrenching.  Its such a good thing he has a loving supportive father.  Maybe there is a possibility you could visit him if his father would be okay with that.

Your a good man justanotherguy25!

I honestly do not miss her at all anymore.  I do miss what we had in terms of a family.  Never in my life (i am 33) did I ever think that I would want children.  I never thought it was possible to have such a bond with someone.  I hate her for taking all of that away.  I see her son and I know he must be confused.  He lived with me for more then half of his life.  I know that he want's to be back here, and have things the way that they were.

I honestly believe it should be illegal for anyone with BPD to get involved in relationships with anyone. 

I'm sorry this is difficult. You have a lot of   and a bond with the child. Kids change your life and I understand. I came across something a year ago on the internet in regards to men and divorce. It may help you, it may not.

Some men feel like the shackles have been broken and they are set free when they are going through separation and divorce. Some men it is devastating and they become depressed from losing their place as a husband and a father, having a place and routine in a family. I placed in the second category, the fallout of the r/s was much more painful because I had lost "my place" in a family but I had to let go of my ego. My wife and I are two different constellations now, I have my place with my kids and she has her own constellation. I'm a single father (a young family) with 3 children.

I'm Canadian, so the laws are different here but perhaps you can call a lawyer and get a 30 minute consultation and see what rights that you have as step parent and if you have visitation rights. Another possibility is if you have a good r/s with the father, perhaps you could arrange something through him?  What is the little ones father like, if she lost custody there has to be something good about him because she lost custody due to drugs? You don't miss her, maybe you can arrange visitation through a different venue.