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My BPD sister will make a unilateral decision and flat-out expect everyone to fall in line with what she has decided.  As an example, our father is in a nursing home and she decided I'd visit every Tue/Thur/Sat and she'll visit every Mon/Wed/Fri with no discussion or input from me.  She announced this decision to everyone in the family and is livid with me for not following her directives.  As soon as I heard of the decision, I contacted her and told her the schedule wouldn't work for me because of work and previous commitments.  I've maintained my own schedule.  My problem is that whenever I talk w/her, her rage is just bubbling beneath the surface and she'll reference the difficulties she's having because I will not accept her schedule. 

My question is if anyone has any ideas about how to defuse her anger?

Coral, I wish I could tell you something. My sister used to do the same thing. She really doesn't get that other people have thoughts/feelings/beliefs different from hers. In her mind, everyone is just like her. Have you tried the SET things? Some people have said they have found that making it seem like it's the BP's idea works for them. I got insight into this when I read the book, "Controlling People." The author may have mentioned some strategies.

You are not alone, I have seen that too. Decades before we knew about BPD, my mom used to say her sisters were bossy, dictatorial, etc. Maybe its the N traits in them. Whatever they say goes. And people usually obbey, to avoid the proverbial rages.

Im VLC/ NC. But before that I refused to be bossed and of course I got into a yelling dispute. But I stood up and kept my ground. It was wrong in the sense that I got enraged too and yelled back at some point.

All I can tell you is enforce your boundaries. Sentences like "thats impossible for me" are a good way out. But dont JADE, its a big mistake and we are so used to it... .

So sorry, Coral. The EXACT same thing happened in our family. I agree w trying the techniques Deb and Louise recommended.

And if nothing else,  try to be grateful she is even showing up. My BPDmo did not about 50% of the time claiming BS like "an earache," "a cough, " etc. And she made the damn schedule! !

Her anger about when his other adult daughter (you) visits him is not your problem to solve or defuse.

Since you tried to address this in an adult manner... . I can only think, go see him when your schedule permits.

That is reality. Not whatever hours she's concocted in her head.

That sounds like a difficult situation already, seeing your dad in this condition and in this setting.

I'm sorry it's made more difficult.

Just keep in mind - her dictates do not extend to you as a separate autonomous entity. 

Thank you for the responses and empathy.  Yes, I've tried SET to no avail.  What is JADE?  Just Abdicate Decision-Making Everytime?   :)

If Im not mistaken, JADE means Justify Argue Defend Engage.

Those are things we usually do when dealing with a PD and its completely wrong!

LOL  Thank you for your responses and definition of Jade... . Every now and again, I'll just be dripping in jade  LOL