BPDFamily.com

I am really struggling lately.

Especially in regards to guilt. But that is another story... .

Well. Anyways. Just took a shower and had a thought. Might not be a huge revelation, but I thought I'd share it.

Most of the mechanisms behind what happens in the relationship we all know well. I am recently thinking a lot about how they interlock, making each other worse.

The thought I had just now is is about a factor I hadn't thought about before. What if (at least some) of our partners were aware of their problems (mine definitely was,) and somehow had the hope that they "would get it right this time." Really wanting it.

Then, when the emotions show up they feel ashamed, scared of them getting worse (shutting down,) depressed etc. before things get out of hand, maybe fueling what is to come.

Greetings and great question.  It is interesting that "even though" I worked on myself after my marriage and divorce from dBPDxw, changing my behavior with each new challenge still took time.  I would fall-back to old ways but at least catch myself eventually.  It was about re-framing and re-experiencing life and new relationships with my new knowledge.  In the case of a pwBPD, I imagine it is really tough, even though they may be aware of their tendencies.  Change always takes time and we have to un-learn old patterns.

You may be right, because I did see my 'ex' at times trying to do things different.  In the tense moments however most of us fall-back, unless we really work hard to change.  Knowing how hard it was for me to change, allows me to appreciate how difficult it must be for a pwBPD even after CBT and other treatments, and with the desire and drive to change.

Peace

I'm sure you have identified a truth.

I believe that my uBPDxgf probably DID know she had an issue... . actually, she asked me to go to the Dr with her, in the time she was pretending to make it work... . The Dr , a general practice , said, 'maybe bipolar but I'm not a specialist' but she wouldn't explore further.

I also believe that, in the beginning, she did want it all to work, to be the fairy tale, to get it "right" ... . but that's part of the condition... . magical thinking?

Maybe not magical thinking.

Maybe just love.

I mean... .   Imagine her falling in love, what is she supposed to say?

"please wait a couple of years until I might be ready? "

I think we and our exes are more similar than we might feel comfortable with.

This.

My ex is this person.  He knew there was something quite "wrong," and  I know he wanted to get it right because he told me so toward the end of the relationship.  Not in that manipulative, fantasy-world way that he could sometimes go into, either.  In one of those calm, lucid moments. 

When I left him, I drove across the country with my best friend.  On the day that I arrived home, on the opposite coast of him now, he sent me a text that simply said "I'm so sorry.  I had to do this."  When I asked why, the response I got was "because... . you know."  He'd spoken of wanting to stop hurting people many times.  He'd spoken of wishing to change his pattern of pain... . both his own self-destructive tendencies and those which hurt those around him.  He knew he was hurting me for sure, and he knew he wasn't able to stop himself from doing so, and in so many vague, beating-around-the-bush words, he ended the relationship because of it.  It wasn't for any of the reasons that he actually verbalized to me, it was this.  I don't believe he'll ever admit directly to that, but he wasn't always in full BPD defense mode.  Whether or not he actually goes ahead and puts in the work, I don't know.  But I do know that he was very aware of having failed at this whole relationship thing many times, and that he really did want to get it right this time.

You mean, do they fall in Love with you differently than others sometimes and they really want it to work with you, not just because they want someboby but because they want you, and so when the disorder splitting cycle starts to come up, and they recognize it, do they panic, shut down, leave, etc. before things get too bad? I'd certainly like to believe that about my BPDex gf...

Wow... I do remember my ex trying different things and things were different with me than with her other exes. She used to talk bad about one guy, she hated him, said she never really loved him and I heard stories of how mean she was to him because "he was just stupid" or whatever. On the other hand, when we broke up, even with all the negative things that were said, she conceded that I did try very hard and she knew that she was difficult to deal with and that she would always love me. I heard/read conversations she had with other people - family, mutual friends and even though she made alot of things seem like my fault, the things she said mainly had an element of truth to them... . she never said she hated me, or really bad things about me, mainly like, we "just weren't meant to be" or "we got stuck" and stuff like that. I have never heard her gushing over the new guy they way she used to tell everyone how amazing I was, etc, and on Facebook posts, etc.

Now we seem to be currently on positive, stable terms, if mainly NC. I can handle it as long as she doesn't start manipulating or trying too hard to recycle me. Idk time will tell I guess, but who knows what they are really thinking... . I'd like to believe that when my ex says she will always love me, I was still her knight in armor, etc. but we just weren't meant to be... that she really means those things, and maybe she wants to keep the memory of our relationship as positive as possible and she knows that if we continued or tried again, it would keep getting worse because of her disorder... Seems like I remember her saying something like sometimes, loving someone means having to let go... .

Hi pipehitter,

I have experienced this behaviour with my ex.

Sometimes she was telling me:

"I am afraid that I am hurting you"

"I don't deserve to be with you"

"I hurt you and I don't know how to make it right afterwards"

"We have so many differences"

"I don't want to end this in a bad way"

After some closure when I really pressed her invalidating all excuses she finally confessed:

"I'm afraid of me".

All the other were excuses to push me away.

I believe they are aware of the hurting and that is why they feel quilt afterwards.

They try to protect us by pushing us away.

However, I had recognised the pattern and I would tell her "now you are pushing me away and I know

you don't want this. Please think with your heart."

Nothing mattered in the end. She would always find new excuses to end the relationship.

PipeHitter... .

"I think we and our exes are more similar than we might feel comfortable with."

Tru-dat!

Rock star, I think you are being generous.

Exactly this. WE should be very careful to not split them either, even if it's the easy way. BPD or not,  she's a Ahman being. Why shouldn't she be able to make "rational" decisions either.

My My wife broke up with me twice. The first time was with a letter. The point in time I got the letter was effed up (barely 3 months into the relationship,) but I guess she knows herself better than I do.

For weeks something was boiling behind the scenes. She was quite. I thought she was giving me the silent treatment (granted she wasn't always nice to me.) But in retrospect it seems to me it wasn't that much of BPD a hole behavior, rather her trying to keep something under control. She was under a lot of pressure.

Also. At the the time the letter was incomprehensible to me.

- you are the love of my life, always will be

- we are at a point where things can and will go ugly quickly

- I will always cherish what we had

- hardest thing I've ever done

- I hope one day you can forgive me

It was the most mature and caring breakup I have ever experienced (not considering the moment she broke up, but as I said... . She probably knew better what ugly means.)

I tried to save the relationship and we slipped back into hopes and  plans, but I don't think she was recycling me. She said it in the letter, Love of her life. She didn't do anything else than I did. Let her heart think and have hopes.

This is where it turned ugly.

I I thought she had painted me black, but after recognizing what happened I thought "better"  of her. If the above is right she made a huge sacrifice for us to at least keep the memories of us alive.

Not just riding the wave until everything turns to sheet. At least that was her intent. Other relationships with her ended very very different.

I sent her a birthday card wishing her the best etc. Nothing clingy, except closing it by "love always."

Didn't expect an answer, I was sure she had painted me black after I was what she called clingy when things turned ugly and she broke up the second time with coldness. NC on her part.

Well... . Yesterday I got a text from her saying thank you for the card (which is remarkable, considering she is in a new relationship.)

Is she trying to recycle? Manipulate?

I don't think so. Why should I say it's typical BPD? If she hadn't answered I could have said the same.

Maybe it is true what she she said. And she is capable of painting Grey, or even breaking up while keeping me white(ish) (there will still be the  shame).

Which would make me very happy. For her.

Not because of getting my hopes up. But maybe the person I love and care for so much has now at least, for the first time in her life a frame of reference for what she can expect from someone that says he loves her. Maybe even gotten a glimpse of her worth. And never again ending up with a narcissist who came VERY close to ending her life. 

We shouldn't always go the easy route and attribute everything to to them "being BPD." See it this way... . Just as much as we couldn't do anything right... . They can't. No matter what she did... . I could ALWAYS say "yeah. Typical BPD behavior."

Maybe we should accept there is a Grey area, too.

If above is true... . She brought the biggest sacrifice anyone brought for me n regards to relationships. Even if it hurts like hell.

Maybe I was special after all. Showing her what love is. And she knew we still would lose. Paying me back by at least trying to preserve the memory for us.

The new guy? Well. She has BPD after all and needs someone to fill the void.

P.S.:

Yes, I definitely started as a "regular" replacement. But that doesn't mean that I ended up like everybody else.

Also. She doesn't only show slight traits. She's the Queen of BPD Queens. She can be EXTREMELY cold, emotionless and mean.

Which makes the letter even more "remarkable" in my eyes and validates my "theory."

She never "actively" hurt me. It was always always by being cold cold, distant and not understanding.

But I know that she dealt with other people VERY differently.

Anyways. Seeing it this way definitely helps me find closure.