BPDFamily.com

Haven't posted for awhile, but need some input. My BPD, elderly mother (87) moved to our town 3 years ago and took up residence in a lovely retirement home here. It went surprisingly well for a year and a half, with us helping her with shopping, dr.s over to dinner and seeing my adult kids when they were in town. She had the usual BPD problems --mad at us, mad at the administration of her facility, mad at family members of her friends at the retirement home, mad at dr.s , fighting with the bank, but generally all was manageable, overall and considering. Two years in she got mad at us for now ostensible reason and became panicked about her money -- she needed to sell her expensive condo in her home state and be more liquid (doing so would have put her in a strong financial position) and she stormed off to her old hometown, with no family to help her, just a sweet cleaning gal who was a CNA and willing to help her once in a while.

She told everyone we were after her money (no interest in her money, we've saved our own). Also, that we were all kinds of mean to her, which couldn't be further from the truth. We tried really really hard.

I decided I was done (this was a long term abusive mother) and went pretty much NC, with my older sister, who hasn't done nearly as much with her over the years to take her turn as her "key" contact person.

Fast forward to today, my 29 year old son is getting married in another state from ours and my mom's--and my sister has decided that she and her family are going to bow out of attending because my mother has decided she wants to attend, and my sister doesn't want to deal with BPD mom's bad attitude toward everyone. We sense that 1) she is much too old to travel by herself and 2) if she does anything she will stage a scene--ideally involving maybe a fall and paramedics. (A favorite over the years). She has told a third party that this will be a "test" of my sister's family to see if they are attentive enough for her to move and live near them, as my sister has been urging.

Here's the thing, I don't want to encourage her to come. We have lots of people from both the bride and groom's side coming from out of state, and I don't need this lifelong self-centered drama queen dominating this event. She has all of a sudden realized that it may be her last chance to see grand kids and great grand kids. However, honestly, if she had stays near us she would have seen them all at least once a year, if not more.

Am I being terrible to feel this way? When is enough enough? Do I need to re-engage, even at the risk of spoiling two really sweet young people's wedding?

I understand some weddings can be big affairs with family and friends the bride and groom might not even know some people that well. Feeling obligation is understandable, but what about your son and his wife. This is their wedding, no? Apparently your mom already knows, but was she actually invited? How does your son feel, does he know the truth about your mother?

The self-sabotage, Marcia, when she was in the best possible circumstances at this nursing home/assisted living facility, packed up... . back to where things are 'iffy" with your sister's involvement... .

Just remember, you didn't break her, you can't fix her.

I don't mean that to sound cold... . but just how much of our lives do we have to basically sacrifice as the years continue to stack up?

Some thoughts - it wasn't my uBPD'd mother and uNpd'd father I dreaded coming to my daughter's wedding 3 years ago but the enmeshed blaming shaming sibling.  And there was a church member, so like my mother, that I had helped and cared for and when times got shaky medically for me - she bailed and she was old enough to know better - one of her favorite sayings was, "I was born at night but not last night," when she would complain about a DIL I learned was probably doomed the day she married this woman's only son.

The church member was invited - my daughter said she felt obligated as the woman had made inroads into my future SIL's family if you see what I mean... . and I could really honestly expect a drastic scene with a fainty spell (the grapevine in these small communities always keeps you abreast even when you try to duck and run) and ambulance and everything as she'd had one only the week before the nuptials -

She never showed. She never came. I had to tell myself that if my FOO didn't come, and she didn't create a scene, there must be a god in heaven lol.

But she wasn't my abusive parent. So this is different from what you're rightly very fearful of... .

At the same time... . what would be worst that could happen? If your mother like my late mother, the wedding would come to a screeching halt, EMS arrives etc... .

that would be horrifically typical.  I wonder how many might see her as grandstanding/stealing spotlight if she took it that far?

And this is when I would get so bitter and resentful, that a lovely event would be marred and possibly ruined, time and again, by a very strategically planned maneuver.

You are rightly worried.

I wish your time before the wedding could be filled with the more usual details instead of this... .

Usually people recommend having a "babysitter" at an event for the uBPD'd individual... . someone to usher them out if it comes to a scene... .

And to answer your last coupla questions, hell no you're not terrible for feeling like this - this has been YOUR LIFE, why wouldn't you dread her behavior when you *know* how bad it can get? - and enough IS enough.

This is an event in your family's timeline that ought to be joyful, happily stressful (will the flowers arrive on time, who will lock up the church after, where did I leave that string of pearls I wanted to wear, etc lol).

This is NOT the time for your mother to "test" your sister.  But you cannot control her absurd sick plot or manipulative punitive stuff.

Oh lord... . my best advice is keep a sip or two of champagne on hand the entire day... . then fill the glass and toast yourself - you raised a son who has found a partner and is on his way to a family of his own.

I am sorry you are in this bind. Don't tangle yourself in it if you can avoid it.

"Normal" families - they have no idea. :P

You're not being terrible - perfectly normal to feel that way towards an abusive relationship. When is enough enough - that's entirely up to you and no one else. My BPD recked my wedding - but I didn't know she was BPD at the time. I won't be inviting her to any celebrations of any kind. Assuming I stop the NC.

As Turkish said - does your son know she's BPD ? What does your son want to do ? Maybe, due to the logistics - she could be on skype. You could put a TV screen on one of the table, and she could interat that way. Can't risk a fall at 87.

You know, my son has no particular relationship with her, knows she is troubled and a troublemaker and sent her an invitation to be polite. He doesn't know what kind of a scene she is capable of, because I tried not to bury my kids in sordid tales from my youth and my husband and I controlled my parents' interaction with our kids quite closely as they grew up -- they were prone to fighting nastily, drinking too much and not caring a whit how others were affected.

I appreciate everyone's support, I know better, but sometimes feel like I am being mean. Thank goodness for you all, who really do understand--this site is a blessing!