BPDFamily.com

Should I really not send this?



[Her name],

It may be purposeless to send you an email in any nature, particularly a friendly one but here it is.  Over the past 2 months, I've done a lot of thinking about the shti that happened with you.  This includes the random messages and accusations about me harassing you with serial killers and being awful etc.

Perhaps it would be best to disassociate ourselves permanently as we have seemingly done.  I thought however, it would be good (for my own happiness) to tell you that I forgive you for all the horrible things you did.  I suspect you're with [new guy's name] now, based on his contact with me.  I wish you well with him!  I hope that your relationship with him triggers less problems and brings you more happiness than I was able to bring you.  I truly believe you are a good person but you suffer from things we've discussed and are unwilling to address.  One of the things you and I shared was deep emotional intimacy and a very close bond built on our ability to really talk things out.  I know this kind of relationship is precisely what triggered so many problems with you. I wish could have helped you find your way.  Instead I lost my own way.  I am happier away from all of it.  And I will never wish you harm.  I've lived with the assumption that your accusations and misjudgments of my character were based around frantic efforts to get in touch with me.  I know in some way you likely miss what we had.  I am not at all trying to antagonize you or make you defensive.  It is OK to miss what we had in some aspects while still knowing we're better off not in each others' lives.  That's we're I'm at and where I have been for some time.

I also want to apologize for my reactions to your behavior. I wasn't prepared for it and it was unlike anything I've ever experienced.  It was like living in a frantic whirlwind of distortion and it was crazy-making.  I really hope you can find happiness and have a healthy relationship.

Stay well,

John

It's always good to write down our thoughts but realistically, what good could possibly come out from sending it? The letter appears guilt ridden, that's part of the FOG. Few months from now, you're going to see that you shouldn't feel guilty at all for her behavior.

Hey JT, Writing is therapeutic; sending is not.  Why open the door?  In my view, there is no point in prolonging the pain.  LuckyJim

 

Hi John.  First, let me say although I don't know what the complete back story is for you and your ex... . I can hear and feel the pain you must be going through. Trust me, I have been in that exact same place more times than I care to recall - and it is not a great place to be.

Thankfully, I'm much further gone away from it than I was before I found this site (and the wonderful members here). Had I been here during those times and could have asked the questions you are asking, I wonder if my actions may have been different... . or at least, I would have gotten to this place I'm at now sooner.

So with that as the backdrop, allow me to try and put an answer to your question.

First off... . whether you should or shouldn't send it I wouldn't begin to suggest one way or the other.  You are going to have to do whatever is best for you in your life at the time you do it.  But, prior to hitting 'send' - let me tell you what your letter looks like from outside of your head.

(in no particular order).

1.  You say that you have forgiven her for all the horrible things she did - but the letter from start to finish is chock full of points to say otherwise.  Such as:

I've done a lot of thinking about the shti that happened with you

I forgive you for all the horrible things you did

I hope you are happy with new guy - and he triggers you less (meaning she is just chuck full of problems)

I believe you are a good person... . just suffer from "mental illness"

You are lost - I wish I could have helped you find your way (since I'm so not lost)

I'm happier away from all of it (meaning her)

I will never wish you harm (except for all the biting words I'm using in this letter)

I'm not trying to antagonize or make you defensive (even though my biting words may illicit such reply)

I apologize for my reactions to your behavior (because it was your fault)

Your behavior is crazy making (but... . hey... . I still love and miss you)

Hope you find happiness and a healthy relationship (cause you are a mess)

2.  As you read through the above points, it is very easy to see that you are bouncing from one side of the room to the other.  :)on't get me wrong, I have so totally been there and pretty much have written the exact same letter more times than I care to remember.  But you have to realize that what you are writing is what is stuck in your head.  This letter isn't for her - it's for you.

3.  If you are really a point of letting go, forgiving and moving on - this type of letter and points being made wouldn't matter.  Trust me - they really wouldn't.

Whether she is BPD or PD or not - this is about you.

Ask yourself, what is to be gained or served by hitting send?  What is it that you are really hoping to accomplish or get out of this type of communication?  What is it in you which keeps you trapped where you are with a person who obviously knows how to hurt you and has moved on herself?

I know some of what I'm writing is kind of sharp... . but I wish I had been as brave as you as to come to a place like this and ask prior to just sending and not really knowing what I'm doing.

If really asked or pressed on my opinion of what to do - I'd say, put the letter in a drawer or draft folder... . and just sit still for a little while.  Spend some time to focus on you.  If you need to or feel you want to revisit the "last letter" thing again... . write a new one in a week, and save it.  :)o another one the week afterward... . and save it.  Then in about a month - re-read them and see if you hear something different.

My money is... . if you spend some time focusing on you - when you re-read the unsent letter a month or so from now, you will see there was nothing in there to be said that needed to be said to her.  Because you have already reconciled it in yourself.

And, remember... . we are all here to support you and each other.  Thank you for trusting us - I'm glad we are all here together.

^ Wow!

Good for you at writing it down, it can give you a good look at your own emotional state, as others suggested, when you reread this in a few months, you will likely see it very differently than today.

Woodsposse gave you good insight into how it may be read by her - forgiveness that you say, it likely not going to come across that way by some of the other parts.

Remember, she expects you to abuse her - it is part of the disorder - this letter pointing out her shortcomings has you right in the persecutor role she has determined for you - the only way not to be in it is not to play.

The likely outcomes you would get if you sent it:

1 - she responds angrily and points out all your flaws (real or perceived) and you feel bad.

2.  she does not respond and you feel bad.

3.  she responds saying you are right about it all and forgives you too, this gets your head spinning "she has seen the light, let's try again" and you feel bad.

See a common theme?

So, you wrote the letter because you already feel bad - writing it likely gave you a bit of peace - sending it leads back into the circle of feeling bad.

For the circle of attachment to stop - we have to stop our part we can control and gosh, I remember that being so hard to do.  But you can do it and you will.

Kudos to you for having the courage to post this.  |iiii

Peace,

SB

There are some accusations in there and some conflicting emotions that would confuse even a non-BPD person.  I understand everything you say.  These folks make our heads spin!  But it seems designed to alternately give her forgiveness and then tell her she's crazy and hurt you.  I don't see any good from the latter.  I do think writing these things out is good, and I think you should keep revising this, because I find that therapeutic.  You may get it to a point when you really can send it.  I see the root of it in there.

What I'd like to know is what your goal is:  To get her to get counseling someday?  To really forgive her?  To get her back into your life?  To hurt her?  All four of those things seem to come through but I doubt all four of them are what you really want.

There's some love/hate in your letter, which is to be expected.  I just think it has to be more consistent.  You can certainly tell her you felt hurt, but try to leave out that her behavior was 'crazymaking' or whatever.  Deep down, she likely knows.

Maybe eventually if you keep revising you will eventually get:

I want you to know I will always care about you, but being together was toxic and I think there are things we should both work on.  I do want to apologize for my reactions to your xxx - I was unprepared and inexperienced in dealing with a situation like ours.  At the same time, I did feel hurt at times when you xxx.  But obviously we had a bond and I hope that you find happiness.  I also think therapy would help you. 

People will say you never should apologize to a BPD, as they will focus on that and blame you, but if you want to, go ahead.

 

I know I wrote a tonne of these types of letters... . each one got progressively shorter and shorter.  If I were to write one today - it would probably look like this:

**************

Dear insert name

I will always care about you. After all the time we spent together, how could I not.

We shared and learned and grew during our time together.  We obviously had a bond which kept us together as long as it did - and although we are apart, I will always wish you happiness.  Besides, we will always have Paris.  (wait - did we actually ever go to Paris?)

Love Always

Insert name

**********************

Me still bringing up how toxic our relationship was - is moot.

Me bringing up that I think we both have things to work on - is moot.

Me bringing up that I think she needs therapy - moot.

They are all moot points because they would still be me pointing at her saying "You are sick!  Get some professional help!"  - which she most likely is... . but what point does this serve if I'm detached and moving on?  If she gets help... . she gets help. If she is happy and in no chaos drama in her life... . okay.  If she is drama/chaos filled... . uhm, okay - none of which should affect me because it's not my life. |iiii

I agree about the shorter and shorter as you get a better handle on what you are trying to express.

But then I still ask the point of the letter above - seems designed to get the person back into your life.  I don't think there's anythjikng wrong with saying "I will always care about you."  But just make sure that's really what you're saying, because if you're hoping for a certain result, and the result doesn't happen, you'll end up just wanting to write more letters.

I also see nothing wrong with gently recommending therapy.

The only reason, these days, I shy away from recommending therapy to my ex... . is - because I know exactly how it would sound to me if she said that to me. 

No matter how it is said, or meant  -  it will always come across as saying "I think you are in need of professional help... . i.e. you are mentally ill.'

Now, this may or may not be the case.  But who is my cheating ex, who is now in a brand new life of her own - and screwed me up from dusk till dawn to tell me I'm sick in the head and need help? 

That just opens up way too many doors which should just remain closed.

Now... . when I had my last all out conversation with my BPD mom recently, of course I brought up therapy - but that's because she is my mother.  As much as I want no contact with her (or low contact) - she is still my mother.  I want some kind of relationship withher... . because she is my mother.  So that was brought up (it didn't help, but again, it was more for me than her).

But other than that... . I would just let that sleeping dog lay there asleep.

If / when time is right and she (my ex) thinks she needs help for her life, she will seek it.  Not for me to say, add, hope, help with, encourage or want... . especially if I'm 'letting go'.