BPDFamily.com

My undiagnosed BPDgf continually sets dates for breaking up with me and has so far, after 9 months never followed through. Above and beyond this, she will respond to bad things she perceives I have done by saying for example: From now on I will like you but not love you (then nothing changes) and telling me that while she will continue to care about me, deep down it will be less than it was before etc etc.

Basically, I guess what it comes down to as love withdrawal.

I use stuff from David Deida like this to manage her

www.deida.info/books/the-way-of-the-superior-man/stop-hoping-your-woman-get-easier

and so far it's been working. I never get mad at her, just act bemused and above it all (in a kind and humorous not angry way) and consistent and when I do this, she's (so far) pretty easy to predict.

But when she talks about our inevitable break-up she talks a lot about "not wanting to hurt me." Is she really concerned about this or is this mostly just projection?

I guess what I'm asking is: How seriously should I take her? It seems to me if I react to her threats of breakup like I would to a person who doesn't have an attachment disorder (with annoyance etc.) she'll be gone. I don't want her to go and my hunch is we'll just go on and on like this forever, but what do you guys think? Will she eventually make good upon her threats to leave? Should I be preparing myself emotionally for this just in case?

Thanks!

I labeled my X's divorce announcements as "Loyalty Tests" (lost count on the number)

"prove to me that you love me"... . When I finally filed for divorce, she couldn't believe it.

In my experience the threats will never stop. I would even tell my husband to go ahead and get a divorce. It just made his rage worse but I didn't really care. He would tell me to pack all my stuff up to leave and would basically act like it was me who wanted to leave, even though he was somewhat forcing it on me. Then once I had everything packed he would beg me not to go or he would change how he was talking to me so that we would make up. It's pretty exhausting but I honestly don't think they ever do leave. At least not if they don't have someone else they are latched onto first, that's an entirely different story.

My husband actually asked for an annulment the day after we got married. The threats of divorce used to drive me crazy, now I just wish he would go through with them, I'm just sick of hearing it now. It's an empty threat just like everything else he says when he's upset. It's kind of funny, he lies so much when he rages, I know nothing he says is true. He's even told me to not believe anything he says while he is raging. When he's calm he doesn't lie at all. He just makes stuff up to hurt me is all it amounts to. Very child like mind.

I got that threat this weekend because we are "different."  Different meaning that when I want to do something like a family wedding and he doesn't then I shouldn't go.  Well I'm at "TOO BAD", do what you want, I'm going. 

Right now I am at the end... . planning and organizing my life & financials to leave myself.  Unfortunately, I have to move my D8 with me because he is soo selfish, he won't leave himself.

Yes , its testing loyalty

(But also, if it really happens, then its time-out to go binging)

20 break-ups, and 4-5 move-outs,  in 10 years

A world record for us !

Keep reading ... .

I think if I had just ignored my ex's implication that he was ending our r/s, we might still be together now.

I thought he meant what he seemed to be saying.  I acted like he left me, made a big deal out of how sad I was and I thought it was a mistake ... .

I really do think it was my actions confirming that we were split up that made us split up.  Had I just not reacted to his breakup news, he might have changed his mind before we were entirely wrecked.

My BPDw has "left" me a couple of times when I have not accepted her ultimatums. However, she has never gone so far as to actually leave the house. She's been lying on the couch crying for a while until she has announced that she has changed her mind and that she has now decided to stay with me.

Bizarrely, it never seemed to cross her mind to ask me if I want her back or not. I haven't even been upset or visibly sad on these "breakup" occasions.

I guess it's all down to the lack of boundaries. A normal person would pack their bags and leave when they feel that they begin to wear out their welcome. My wife knows very well that the damage she's done is beyond repair but she's decided to stay until I physically throw her out. I guess it's soothing for her to think of herself as a victim instead of an agressor.

But as I demand more and more from my wife (zero tolerance with abuse towards our daughter, no more all-night taking-it-out-on-me sessions) she's getting worse in her illness, and I can't really provide a solution for her. 

My X never thought of herself as an agressor.  She expressed it was my or the kids fault she hit us.


I was in the same boat.  When my X punched her younger sister. I decided if I wanted the violence to stop.  I had to end it.

He breaks up with me and yet immediately wants things to continue as usual. It is very confusing.  The lack of emotional security with him is what gets to me most.  Sometimes I feel that he does this so that when/if he eventually really does leave, he can simply say "I told you many times we weren't a couple" (although he enjoys all the benefits of a relationship).  Then he can walk away feeling like the good guy while making me out to be the delusional woman that never got the message. 

I don't find the whole push-pull scheme so sly and manipulative. For my wife it's more like she's stuck in a behavioral pattern where she can't keep herself from destructive negotistions and crude power trips that leaves her social life in ruins. She's not happy about it, but she knows no alternative.

I am honestly so confused about my marriage at this point that I'm severly depressed. In a matter of hours I can be told to move out my ___ by the end of the week and also that he doesn't want a divorce... . I don't really know what the truth is any more about anything. I know it is more of a power trip but since it's been happening nearly every day/ every few days for the past month or more, I have seriously started to consider making a plan to move out. Unfortunately, I was just promoted at work and taking some personal time isn't really an option.

What is the best way to respond to these threats?

I am given deadlines i.e. if you don't talk to so and so and fix this than I'm moving out on the first. So far its just been threats. Even when she starts raging and tells me to pack my stuff I normally don't get far before she is begging me to stay. This is a every other week thing right now. Some times I wish she would leave, but deep down I never want to lose her.

I got the threat this yesterday and said fine.  Give me my money from the house down payment, take me off the mortgage and I'll move.  He got really nasty, threatening me he was gonna take me to court, bring other women here, etc.  I said okay let's go to court, I got proof of my money paid.  I got proof of all the bills paid.

Now today he sends me texts on how much he loves me and wants to work it out, blah, blah, blah... .   So this will last for about a month or 2 and then he'll be back to the same.  I told him I'm done with him texting other women, make a choice I'm not them, don't want to be and it's not fair to me to compare me.  Then he tells me how he loves me more then anything in this world.  It's all BS!  I don't trust him or even believe what he says because of all the lies and omitance of information.

What keeps me from leaving is I need my money and I have a d8, this is her home, her neighborhood, her friends, etc.

It is not endless for me in the sense that she has threatened divorce, but she likes to put the possibility in the air.  Saturday, she put her rings in my hand to hold onto them and suggested divorce as an option.  This was because I did not agree with her.  Actually, I did agree with her about what transpired, however, we argued about what I had thought had originally happened.  It was very minor, and it was my mistake.  The thought that I did not have her thoughts in my head was what upset her.  Still, I did not and will not let her manipulate me.  The "new" me is upsetting her.  She is probably upping the ante to regain that control of me.

As I expected, she asked for the rings back on Sunday.

Yes, my uBPDh loves to give threats of "pack your ___ and move out", and also ultimatums. He actually told me he'd divorce ME if I didn't go and get on medication for my depression(I was only depressed because of his behaviors). I got scared and did it, even though my doctor turned me own the first time I went, as he agreed I'm only depressed because of my husband's anger and moods.

My husband even addressed how he threatens me with his therapist, and she told him how unfair it is to me and my kids, and for him to "just stop". She doesn't know how truly bad he is though, and he's been seeing her for three years, and he's gotten worse. He threatens to control me, scare me, and hurt me. I would get scared, beg him, and he'd get off on that. Now, I just try to not react. I still get scared, but I know it's most likely a hollow threat.

And if he really is thinking of leaving me, for someone "easier"(you know, someone who hasn't seen his true self yet), then all my worry won't change anything. I think his threats are hollow. He did the same thing to his ex, for 24 years. They'd "take breaks", but always end up back together. She eventually cheated on him, and moved out. So HE didn't end it, she did, but I'm sure he threatened her too. It's his pattern.

Their emotions go from black to white in a matter of minutes. They break up with you at that moment because they are mad and really want some distance I'm that moment. Haven't you ever gotten so mad at your SO that you wanted a break in that moment but felt  better a few hours later?  The difference is you are not a child emotionally so won't say let's break up it's over because you know you aren't really going to break up over a minor argument. They can't control their emotions. If you are going to take them seriously every time and get upset about it being with a BPD is not for you. In my experience some people can handle them better than others and some trigger them constantly. If your reaction is not to react, ignore them. Hang up or walk away for an hour. They will be right there where they were and nothing had changed in their mind. If you take it to the next level. Talk about how to handle the break out start to move out... . well why bother. Like others have said the only way they will leave you is if they have someone else and well there's nothing you can do about that.

All threats are difficult to deal with. It could be threats of suicide, threats to end the relationship, threats of self harm... . whatever. We are not psych nurses and are not professionally trained to deal with these kind of situations. We react like normal people do.

Having a BPD partner is not ideal for anyone. It's an illness and I seriously doubt that some peoople are equiped to cope with it. I would worry about possibly ignoring both my own needs and thos of my BPD partner.

Constantly, then two weeks ago I said give me the papers and Ill sign them. Then next day she had me served with an RO.

BPDw has given me until the end of this year for me to "get my act together" and has threatened all kinds of things including having affairs. We are in counselling. The reason I need to "get my act together" is that I have drastically cut back the amount of effort I go to to "please her" , I'm doing a lot more things for myself and firming up a lot of boundary issues relating to the way she treats me (ie a lot of shouting and ordering). I am taking the threats seriously and if we can't find a way forward I genuinely believe we will separate. If she decides to leave me then there won't be much I can do about it. I'm patient and I don't want to move forward by caving into BPDw's threats & happy to see how things evolve over the next few months. If I do cave into the threats it won't make BPDw any happier.

That's exactly what my BPDw did. I did not give in and two days ago she broke up with me "for real" for the first time in 20 years. The last thing I did was to give her a ride to the train station. She forgot a bag at our house. She told me to drive back and get her bag while she would wait at the train station and have a snack. Perfect display of the way she treats people. If you're close to her then she just can't respect you.

The exact same thing happens to me. Give me all the money in the savings account, I'm taking the TV's, I love you but I want a divorce. I want to move on. Fast forward to an hour later and I get a random e-mal "whatever happened to us". I still want to try and work on this. I have 15 years invested and this behavior has only manifested in the last 8 months. It it emotionally ripping me apart but I am staying as strong as possible. Every time he gives me hope he takes it back right after. We had a picture perfect marriage. Our friends always envied us in a good way. Now look. it is just so sad.

Same history for me, I lost count on 40 times of "pack your stuff and Leave" Only in a year of relationship  ... .