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Title: Looking for some Advice Post by: SeekingHelp2 on June 09, 2014, 11:44:55 AM I have been in a very up and down relationship with my BPD traits wife for almost 6 years. We've been married for two. She is now pregnant and we have 3 kids from past relationships. We have been through a three month stretch of a lot of progress and then it just collapsed 10 days ago over something very small. She is now using the silent treatment, which she can use for weeks or even months... . sometimes it seems she will never run out of gas. She breaks to attack me or try and bait me, but that's it. The kids are old enough to recognize these behaviors now as well. The thing I find most difficult is the "only" way out is to apologize perfusely for what she is upset about, while ignoring the reality of what's occurring and all of the terrible things she says and does. I went through a very unhealthy period for awhile when I would try and play into the silent treatments and let her berate me for hours to try and "make things better." Now I try and move on with my life during these times, usually checking in every day with something positive to see if she's willing to move forward. She says no and then I am "in trouble" for not taking care of her needs, even though she tells me very bluntly to leave her alone. I am healthier than I have been in the past during these stretches, but I still feel like I can do a better job of not letting the things she says hurt me, trying to draw boundaries and communicating with her about her feelings and what hurts me. I've read the article on control and that when I try and "convince" her about why she shouldn't do these things, it's me trying to control her and make her see things my way. I feel like I'm ready to take the next step with my healthiness and communication during these times, but the prolonged "battles" and silent treatments still wear on me. Any advice on how to proceed or what to read would be appreciated. Thanks!
Title: Re: Looking for some Advice Post by: an0ught on June 10, 2014, 01:46:11 PM Hi SeekingHelp2.
as you tell you are already working on boundaries: Keep working on it. The clearer they are and the less control is between the two of you the better. What else can you do? Validate her - she is upset, feel unfairly treated, angry, can't stand you, wants to be left alone etc... There will be a lot of mostly negative emotions to validate. Kids can also be grateful for some validation and you'll may find it a balancing thing to do. For all practical purposes there can't be enough validation in a family and practice of it. Working on a healthy self and surrounding is important - as you have noticed there is no quick fix but some slow improvements so looking after yourself is critical. General books on BPD more suitable for Staying are: Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder - S. Manning The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder - R. Kreger Book on validation: The High Conflict Couple - A. Fruzzetti (there is a 1h video here with a number of the key concepts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=206132.0 which is a must see for Staying Members) You find more books in the book review section of the board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0 |