BPDFamily.com

A little over 3 weeks ago, my wife informed me of her intent to divorce. Needless to say, I was heartbroken. The first 5 days were actually bizarrely weird. She was intimate, affectionate, tender... . so much everything I've been longing for, for years. She said that it was easier for her now that she felt there was an end in sight.

She expressed a desire for an amiable parting. And I was inclined to do so.  But I quickly began to realize that her idea of amiable is she gets everything, and I get nothing (worse than nothing actually).

She claimed the $10K in savings, and intended to leave me with the $10K in debt. She wants half of the value of any assets. She wants the minivan with about $8K of value while leaving me the car I never wanted that's about $2K underwater.

When I mentioned that I thought she should buy herself a computer. She balked and exclaimed that she thought she should keep the computer and I buy a new one. She also thought she'd take the Xbox/Kinect. I could have the TV (which I saved up for 2 years to buy). When I explained that I have so much development software on my computer it would be a pain to re-install everything. She was like fine, you can keep the laptop, just buy me a new one. When I balked at having to buy her a laptop. She raised her voice and shouted that I couldn't just expect to get every thing of value.

Mind you, I'd only asked for my laptop. And pointed out I saved for the TV while she went on a 2 week trip to Korea. She'd already expressed an expectation for my laptop, the Xbox/Kinect, the kid's iPad, etc.

That was when I realized that her "amiable" was only if she got her way.  Since that times things have gone incredibly downhill. She's been passive/aggressive, insulting, antagonistic, she's been smearing me to friends, and even my mother. Much of which were major twistings of the truth, and lot just flat out lies.

I feel this past week she's been trying to instigate, and I've just been trying not to respond to all her manipulations. But with all the false accusations, I've been very concerned. Yesterday, I moved all of our firearms into a secure gun locker in a storage bin, and gave the keys to a friend with the intent to have them turned over to a lawyer.  As I was afraid that she would make a false accusation against me and I did not want to be arrested for such.

Last night she took the children to a friend's. And I still don't know where they are.  :-(

It has been a hellish few years of so much abuse and neglect. I really wish I knew and understood about BPD 4-5 years ago.  She has not been diagnosed. Refused to seek individual therapy. But she shows nearly all the behavior. And during our marital counseling the counselor expressed her tendency to look at everything and everyone and black and white and having unreasonable expectations.

It's just been insane... . and oh so lonely... .

:-(

I'm doing my best not to engage her in her manipulations. And at this point I think I need to not even participate in any joint activities with her.

Time to contact some lawyers for consultations and get legal advice.   You need to know where you stand.  Of course she will demand all the assets and leave you with all the debts.  Typical mindset.  The reality is different.  For example, if your work is on the laptop, then the court will see it is reasonable and necessary for you to keep it.  Still, I think you ought to get that hard drive cloned and the copy put in a safe place out of her reach just in case.

But far more important than the money is your parenting.  How important are the children to her, does she see them as possessions or extensions of herself or is she disinterested in parenting?  Is she more interested in money or possessions than the children?  Her behaviors in that regard will help guide your legal strategies.

And regarding her recent surprise friendliness, don't participate in bringing another child into the failing marriage.  You can't trust her to practice reliable birth control.  It will be hard enough to parent with the children you already have.

Well the affection only last 5 days. We've severed intimacy. And I got the minivan prevention insurance a few years back.  So while she might get knocked up, it'll be by her boyfriend and not me.

As for the kids, she is into them but also has a lot of conflict with them.  I'm seeing a lawyer Friday.  *finger's crossed*

It's been an insane roller coaster ride. But she's really just pushed me so far with her recent behavior. She's quite stupid, I was pretty much willing to let her have the savings and take the debt. And she got all bent out of shape over a few minor possessions. Began acting more and more antagonistic. And at this point, I feel there is no real opportunity for an amiable solution. And the more crazy she acts, the more I question whether I need to seek primary custodial-ship. 

We often recommend people buy a copy of Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. There is a Kindle version you can download to your computer and read it immediately. Eddy was a therapist before he became a family law attorney, and recognized that most high-conflict divorces involved someone with BPD. It's a must read.

About seeking primary custody -- yes. Ask for primary. Unfortunately for a lot of us, the difficult behavior during the marriage becomes difficult behavior before, during, and after the divorce. And if you have kids, the difficult behavior impacts coparenting and custody arrangements for years. If you don't get primary custody immediately, it's possible you will eventually turn that around.

If you meet with a lawyer who dissuades you from asking for primary custody, then you might have a lawyer who doesn't get BPD. Shop around before you pay the retainer.

Be very careful during this time, while you are both thinking about divorce but still living together.  Very often, the person with BPD makes false accusations - sometimes very serious - and the police may believe them.

It might be best to sleep in a different room and lock the door.

She already has made several. I've moved into another room and usually keep the door locked. I removed our firearms. Locked them up. And turned the keys over to a friend who's dad is a lawyer. Removing my access so she cannot falsely accuse me. 

The last week has been insane. She's missed work to be with BF, just up and abandoned us while at the park for nearly an hour to be with BF, she's made several false accusations.

:-(

So much for her claims of desiring an amiable process.

What sort of false accusations has she made?

And who did she tell that stuff?

Also hoping to start taking at least the eldest to counseling.

She's made claims I'm abusive and that she thought she might have to take herself and the kids to a shelter. (Told her friends, and even my mother and a close friend.)  I have never hit or used any physical force on her in the 8 years of our marriage (which is more than she can say).

She claimed I was neglectful and uninvolved with my children. Told my mom that my children barely know me and don't even get excited when I come home.  This is so so so so far from the truth. A quick perusal of my Facebook photos pretty much disproves such claim. In fact, my kids were like I love Mommy 100x, nannies 100x & 200x, and daddy 1000x.

When I had a bonfire with a couple of friends over, and their 12 year old son. She exclaimed that I was endangering our children. Even sent her mother to try to pick up and remove the children.

When I did remove the firearms from the house. She contact a whole bunch of people trying to make it seem threatening.

So ya, it's been insane... .

There seem to be some patterns when people with BPD or something similar start making accusations.

Sometimes they kind of try it out on the person they are accusing.  My wife said things to me like, "If I don't do what you want, what are you going to do, get violent with me?" - completely out of the blue.

Then they may say things to "safe" people, like family or close friends.

Then maybe to "official" people like someone at the kids' school.

Then maybe to the police or the court.

It sounds like your wife is in the second stage - saying stuff to people who probably won't do anything about it.  Hurting your relationships maybe but nothing official yet.

Things tend to escalate.  When she finds out this sort of "unofficial" accusation isn't hurting you enough she may turn up the heat.

The only way to prevent it that I know of is to not be around her, without a non-family adult third party present.  She could still make accusations - she could say "The kids told me he hurt them." - but it reduces her options... .

And if I leave the family home, than I'll be accused of abandonment.

But even if I wanted to, I can't.  I don't have any income to afford another place. I pretty much pay all of the bills leaving me with no means. (She mostly just buys food, $250-$400/month, pays her student loans $250/month and used to give me some allowance/spending money.)  I pay mortgage, two vehicle payments, utilities (electric/internet/tv/cell), insurances (car, health, etc).

Best I can do is sleep in the guest room and lock the door.

Do you live somewhere you can record her without permission? Lots of people here do that. And even if you need permission in your area or country, it's a fairly grey/fuzzy area. Sometimes, having a recording helps prevent something bad from happening. Other times it might help first responders figure out what to believe.

I recently moved the voice recorder app to the front page of my phone. 

Technically no... . but well, I don't care. I'd rather have the recording. Let her find the money to sue me. Sure it isn't admissable as evidence. But gee, it sure is great proof to friends if needed.

My attorney - very experienced in cases like mine - told me that technically a recording like this would not be admissible, but that in practice it all depends what is on it.

She said that if it shows something very serious, the judge would probably admit it, justifying it by saying that it's in the kids' interest for the court to take all the important information into account.

(I never got any recordings that showed anything very extreme, so I never tried to get them admitted.)

Most recordings never get used in court, but an evaluator or even CPS may be more likely to listen to a few of them to help them get a background and feel for the case.

In my case I used the first (threat of DV) in municipal court but the judge used case law to indicate they weren't "imminent" threats, so ex got a pass when the case was dismissed for lack of a weapon.

A couple years later when ex was fired by our pediatrician for raging at the staff she had to cook up something where I would look worse than her.  So she got our kindergartner to say I beat him on the shins even though the hospital nurse said they looked like normal active boy bruises.  Referred to CPS, they quizzed me and since I recorded exchanges I had a recording of my son saying "look at my bruise daddy" and when I asked where it happened he wasn't too sure but though it was on the monkey bars (when with his mother).

Last year I was seeking majority time, in the interim I had already gotten custody, I had a number of phone calls where ex was raging and demeaning me and son was clearly present or well within hearing rage.  Court listened to them and concluded ex was disparaging father in front of our child (now 11 years old).  She had been doing it all along but that was the first time it came before the court.

That was across a span of 8 years.  However, it was especially helpful for me in the early days when I was so very insecure in my parenting, knowing I had proof I wasn't the one misbehaving and lying.  Few actually listened, but it was my insurance policy and helped me sleep better at night.

Yeah, good point about a Custody Evaluator being able to consider stuff that isn't admissible in court.  That's one of the advantages in having one appointed.

Custody Evaluators are extremely expensive, aren't they?

Ours cost $5,000, plus $500 each for psych evals.

Why are they so expensive?

@250/hr, $5K = 20 hours 

20 hours isn't much.  I'm sure ours put in more than that.

He interviewed the kids, my wife and me pretty extensively - at least 5 or 10 hours there.

My two stepkids - a few more hours.

Got my counselor's notes and my wife's medical records.

Administered the MMPI-2 to each of us, and had them scored by an outside company, and drew conclusions based on those results.

Wrote up a report, about 20 pages - probably 10 or 20 hours just to write the report alone.

I don't know if he charged $250 an hour but that's a reasonable guess.  I think he could have charged us a lot more than $5,000 and I wouldn't have liked it but it would have been understandable.

And some other members here have paid a lot more for CEs.

Did the MMPI-2 spotlight your spouse's BPD?

I'm concerned about spending $5K and her masking all the insanity that happens inside closed doors.

So met with one lawyer. Sounded like the default would be 50/50 split of custody/assets and a likely filing against me for short term child support (pendente  lite), and such could be done without trial or anything.

Basically, it seems to pretty much boil down to, she's the parent who's home more. Nothing else really matters. Unless I launch a full frontal scorched earth war in an attempt to spotlight her mental health concerns.

:-|

Guess I just feel discouraged right now. Like it's pretty much all in her favor. That none of the abuse I've endured for the past several years accounts for anything. And that she's going to get her last last. Bankrupt me, force me to lose everything... . and leave me seeing my kids intermittently.

:-(

That's why the MMPI-2 is critical - it allows objective diagnosis.

My wife tried to fool the test, but it has a "truth scale" which showed that she "presented falsely" - that is, she lied.  So she was diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff despite trying to fool the test.

I can't say that the test can never be fooled - I don't really know - but I think it would be very difficult to fool.  All you do is add a finding of "presented falsely" to the diagnosis.

The question is, would a diagnosis make any difference to the outcome?

My guess is, not with this lawyer.  It sounds like he doesn't know how to do this and has no experience doing it, or he would be giving you this advice not me.

You have to get the Custody Evaluation with objective psych evals like the MMPI-2.  Then you have to show that a BPD diagnosis means the kids are at high risk;  kids raised by someone with BPD who is not in treatment are at much higher risk for substance abuse, psychological problems, depression, etc. long-term.  That might require an expert witness, to get the research on that subject into the record.  You also have to show that you are very capable of parenting the kids.

I wouldn't call it "scorched earth", because you're just pointing out what is already true.  You're not scorching the earth, it's already scorched.  You're highlighting what is real so the court can't pretend not to see it.

But yes, it will add cost.  And 50/50 might be OK.  I got 50/50 on paper, and my lawyer told me I would end up with the kids most of the time anyway, and she proved to be correct.  Five years later, my kids are with me about 3/4 of the time or more, without going back to court, and they are doing fine.

So you have to figure out if 50/50 would work out OK for the kids and for you - how will it actually play out over time?

And if the answer is that you don't think that will work out OK for them, and it's important to get majority time, then find an attorney who knows how to do that, and go through the process to get the best result.

If he's saying you should ask for 50/50, then he doesn't understand BPD divorces.

It's better to ask for more than what you think you'll get. You need something to negotiate with. Maybe you ask for primary, but you know 50/50 is where you'll end up. Opposing party says no way, and offers something small as a concession, like she agrees to counseling for all the kids. Stuff like that.

Your lawyer can tell you, "Here's what's likely to happen." But he needs to have a strategy that gets you the best outcome. If his strategy is just, "This is what you're going to get" then he doesn't have a strategy. He won't advocate for you, and you'll just end up fighting with your ex and your lawyer. Not fun.  

Imagine this scenario... .

You - are convinced that it would be best for you to have custody long term.

Lawyer - says maybe 50/50 is best you can get, so why ask for more?

Judge is "middle of the road", unlikely to give either parent everything asked for.

Scenario 1

You ask for "fair" shared custody and "fair" 50% equal time

Ex asks for "entitled" custody and "entitled/obstructive" 99% majority time

Judge splits the difference, orders temp custody to mother and 75% time, father 25%

Scenario 2

You ask for custody and 75% majority time

Ex asks for custody and 99% majority time

Judge splits the difference, orders temp custody to mother and 50% time, father 50%

Obviously it is never that simple but that's our reason to suggest you ask for what you feel is right and yet prepared to work with what the judge orders.  Unfortunately, judges often have a default pattern they and the other judges in the court follow, often mothers get default but unwritten preference.

In my case, I walked into family court with temp possession of the house based on a temporary protection order (TPO) I had in municipal court.  Then-spouse properly listed it on her own tit-for-tat TPO she filed for in an attempt to include our preschooler but I have no evidence that the family court magistrate ever looked it up.  CPS did stand up and say they had "no concerns" about me.  Yet the magistrate 's main question was our work schedules.  That's all he needed to know to default to giving my then-spouse temporary custody.  She couldn't approach our home due her her making death threats against me - adult behaviors have less impact than parenting behaviors - but she walked out with temporary custody.

So, knowing that the fathers often have the cards stacked against them by unwritten default, you have to have a strategy and perseverance.

I read some really good research about dads and primary custody -- it's true that dads are less likely to get primary custody. But it's also true that fewer dads ask for it. How many lawyers are contributing to that? 

Your lawyer might be feeding right into the bias.

A lot of people at the beginning of divorce are still very beaten down and passive from years of abuse. We tend to bring that demeanor into our lawyer's office. Your lawyer works for you, and has an agenda that is different than yours. You have to advocate for what you want, and make sure this person cares as much about your kids as you do. Your lawyer is going to be involved in some of the biggest, most expensive decisions of your life, impacting you and your kids for decades. It's really important that you have faith in this person, and believe he has your best interests at heart. He needs to have a strategy to help you achieve your goals, and you need to approve it and understand the how and why of it.

The strategy can involve depositions, parenting coordinators, custody evaluation, an MMPI-2 psych eval -- all of these tools and more are available to help you get what you want. Matt talks about the importance of shining sunlight on the issues you know but lawyers and judges don't. These are tools to shine sunlight, and they can be put together to create a strategy depending on how BPD presents in your wife.

Yeah, this is a perfect description of my case and many others here.

I was a mess at first, and I sent all the wrong signals.  Looking back, I should have made it clear from the beginning that I wanted primary custody and that I was ready and able to do that.  I should have gotten a good lawyer, with experience in cases like mine;  it took me almost a year to do that.  And I should have communicated to the attorney exactly what my goals were, in terms of custody, financial issues, etc., and asked her for a plan to achieve them.  I didn't do any of that til much later, and that made it much harder to get the best results.

Clear objectives are one big part of this that many parents struggle with.  It's hard to know what is realistic and what will be best for the kids.  I think attorneys may make assumptions if you're not clear about your goals, and as LnL says, many attorneys assume that a father only wants (or can handle) every other weekend with the kids.  They shouldn't make assumptions like that;  we need to figure out what will work best and make our goals clear, as soon as possible, and if the attorney isn't willing to accept our goals, he or she probably isn't the right person for the job.

"That's all he needed to know to default to giving my then-spouse temporary custody." 

Yup... . that's where I lose by default. I work 40 hours, and have a 2 hr+ daily commute.

She works a flexible part-time to full-time as she chooses career.


"We tend to bring that demeanor into our lawyer's office"

Yup, that's me... . I'm trying.


"an MMPI-2 psych eval"

This is the primary item I am pursuing. Whether I pursue/receive primary custody or not. I really do NOT want her to have the children alone without me as a balancing agent if she does not get diagnosed and receive treatment.

My question is, how easy is it for a smart person to game the MMPI-2.

This is a woman who is basically telling flat out lies and perversions. But I'd wager would pass a polygraph test with flying colors due to the fact that she often seems to believe herself.


Met with a second lawyer. Much more aggressive. Going to go with her. She even mentioned pursuing having my wife pay me. (Presently, she is living at home, working pretty much full time, and contributing zero income.)

My ex is very intelligent and well-educated - a paralegal.  Also very crafty and able to convince people she is telling the truth when she's not.

I filed a motion to have a Custody Evaluator appointed - a Ph.D. psychologist - and he asked us both to take the MMPI-2.  I knew nothing about it but trusted that it would be good to get the information out in the open, so I took the test - takes about two hours - about 500 questions like "I am more of a morning person or more of an evening person" or "When I responsible for an important task I always do my best."  Each question by itself seems pretty innocent, but they show patterns;  for example, some people won't agree to a statement with "always" in it because they don't see things so black-and-white, and others answer the same statement "Yes" because they either see themselves as flawless or want others to see them as flawless.

Anyway, the way the test is scored is by computer, by a company that doesn't know anything except the age and sex of those taking the test.  The age and sex are important because those are taken into account in scoring;  decades of experience have taught them which responses are most common for men and women of various ages.  It's "blind" - the Custody Evaluator got back the results - he didn't score the tests.

There are several "scales" - combinations of items which show patterns related to specific issues.  One scale indicates if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, or borderline traits but not the disorder, or are in the normal range on that scale.  Another scale for narcissism, etc.

There are, if I remember correctly, three scales called "truth scales", which use three different methods to estimate whether the person is taking the test honestly or is "presenting falsely".  Again, you might do very well on those scales (I did), or you might do not so well, or your score on those scales might indicate that you are "presenting falsely".  My wife's results showed she was presenting falsely, and that went into the CE's report.

But... . he was also able to include in his report a diagnosis of "multiple psychological disorders" indicated by the MMPI-2 and supported by his own observations.  This was possible because the MMPI-2 is designed to enable diagnosis even when the individual tries to fool it.  The CE explained it to me - I'm a math guy and I think I understand it but I'm no expert and I don't think I could explain it here.

Bottom line, someone like my wife who is smart and thinks she can fool the test is just making things worse for herself.  She probably can't fool it and her attempt to fool it will become part of the result.

Yes, and it was an excruciatingly long two year divorce while living as an alternate weekend parent.  But there was enough information exposed during the divorce for me to walk out of it with shared parenting, equal time and (my personal prize that lawyers pooh-poohed) Residential Parent for School Purposes.  I worked it out with the elementary school to allow our son to remain in class until the end of the school year.  Within a couple months she had enough incidents at school that they gave me one day's notice to get our son enrolled in my own school district.  Imagine, kicked out of kindergarten.  It took 3 more years to get custody.  My point:  It's not hopeless, not by a long shot.


So who's watching her parenting while you're away at work 5 days a week, hmm?  Frankly, unless the court limits her to supervised parenting, she will have solo time with the children.  Your goal is to set up a home for you and the children where you have consistent peace and stability for as much of the children's lives as possible.

She may or may not get diagnosed, probably not if you compare to how our cases usually turn out.  In my case the CE pointedly declared in my first session he was not there to diagnose, just to make recommendations for custody and related matters.  Basically, he was telling me it's not that bad.  Months later his initial report to the court stated Mother cannot share 'her' child (his quotes!) but Father could.  He went on to say mother should immediately lose her temporary custody.  He *saw* more than he expected.  But still, no diagnosis.  Sadly, court sat on it and just went on to the next step in the divorce process.

While you can seek to get a diagnosis, you're not a doctor and so you're not qualified in the professionals' eyes to suggest anything.  Solution:  Do what the court, evaluators, agencies, CPS, etc all do, focus on the behaviors and behavior patterns.

She may or may not be ordered to therapy.  After some 8 years in court my ex finally got ordered to attend therapy - with son's children's agency!  The T put the kibosh on that, said they don't treat adults and declined to invite her to sessions.  Fortunately the order left the details up to the T and so T declined it all.  (Why order mother to go to son's sessions?  The court reasoned that mother might not have insurance or have enough money for her own sessions!  This in a country which proclaims it has the Affordable Care Act.)


Then it's a good thing courts don't do polygraphs.   In my case my lawyer called my ex both crazy and a sociopath, depending upon the occasion.  My ex had to gradually lose her credibility with the court.  She still has a lot of parenting, more than I had when I started as non-primary parent, she still has on her side (1) default gender preference and (2) the deferential gloves that court uses when dealing with a squeaky wheel, but... . the court has her number now, her credibility is low.

"So who's watching her parenting while you're away at work 5 days a week, hmm?"

a) I usually work a 4-day work week.

b) In 2013 she worked an average of 20-25 hour work week.

c) I am able to provide a significantly greater counter-balance now, than I would be able to if I only saw my kids

So it is not so much a constant observational thing. But rather my having significant presence to counter-balance their mother's influence. That will likely be greatly reduced.

My desire is to ensure that she is getting treatment, so that increased solo time is not harmful.


"She may or may not get diagnosed, probably not if you compare to how our cases usually turn out."

That may be... . I am not sure how I can get an actual diagnosis short of having her lose it, hit me, leave marks and calling the police.

Our marital counselor observed the behavior. But that doesn't result in a diagnosis either.  My hope is that enough is observed to sustain justification for all parties to receive mandated therapy.


Yes, she has all the defaults. Good presentation and charisma, intelligence, good respectable career, gender, youth, attractiveness, etc.

:-|

A couple of comments here that are very, very common among our members... .

"My desire is to ensure that she is getting treatment, so that increased solo time is not harmful."

This is what lots of us say, and I believe you mean it, but it's kind of like saying, "My desire is to ensure that the weather will always be nice, and my team will always win the Super Bowl."  It's possible, but not very likely, and mostly outside your control.  You would be wiser to keep that possibility in mind - at some point she might decide she wants treatment, or might ask your opinion about that, and you could say, "I think that's a good idea."  But that's about it - other than that, it's a waste of your time to focus on her getting treatment, until/unless she decides to do it.

"I am not sure how I can get an actual diagnosis short of having her lose it, hit me, leave marks and calling the police."

Well first of all, if your strategy includes violence, even if she is 100% responsible for it, it's a lousy strategy, because when the police are called - even when it's the man who was attacked and the man who calls the police - it's much more likely that you will be arrested and charged with a crime than her.  There are reasons for this - in many states the federal Violence Against Women Act is interpreted to require law enforcement to remove the man from the scene, no matter what the evidence shows, and their only way to do that may be to arrest you and charge you with a serious crime.  But the reasons don't matter;  what matters is that if there is violence, or threats, or if she accuses you of doing something wrong, even if the evidence proves you did nothing wrong, it's likely you will go to jail, and your life will get way worse and more complicated.

So your strategy should be the exact opposite:  Avoid any contact with a woman who might become violent, or might accuse you of violence or threats, unless there is a non-family adult third party present all the time.

As to the diagnosis, there is another way... .

I filed a motion with the court, asking that a Custody Evaluator be appointed - a Ph.D. psychologist who could administer objective psych evals like the MMPI-2.  The other side fought that, but the court approved the motion because of my wife's behavior, and apointed an experienced psychologist, who administered the MMPI-2 to both of us.

This enabled the psychologist to diagnose my wife with "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD.

A diagnosis of BPD and/or another psych disorder doesn't mean you will get primary custody, but it is one factor.  At that point you can probably get the court to order the other party to get treatment, but she will only benefit from it if she tells the therapist the truth, which isn't likely;  you just can't force someone to open herself to change.  But you can find evidence about the impact of BPD (or whatever) on kids, and that may help you in the custody case.

I have been striving to be water. Not reacting to any antagonistic comments, criticisms, etc. Allowing everything to pass through me.  And basically only engaging on practical matters.

No, my strategy isn't to involve violence. 

"other than that, it's a waste of your time to focus on her getting treatment, until/unless she decides to do it."

My concern is potential harm done to my children. That is the reason for my focus on therapy/treatment. Cause I fear without it, she'll cause emotional harm to our children.

"I filed a motion with the court, asking that a Custody Evaluator be appointed - a Ph.D. psychologist who could administer objective psych evals like the MMPI-2."

Right, this is what I'd like to do. But my understanding is that it costs around $4K-$8K. Which at the moment, I do not have.

You could ask around and find out what it costs there, but $4 to 8k is probably about right.  Ours cost $5k, plus $500 each for the MMPI-2s - right in the middle of your range.

I think you are wise to want therapy for your wife, and/or family therapy, and/or individual counseling for the kids.

I just think it's unlikely your wife will choose to get therapy, and work at it, and stay with it for the years needed.  Very few here have been able to persuade their partners to do that.  (In my case, even after my wife was diagnosed, and agreed in writing to get therapy, and then was ordered by the court to do it, she never did it.)

My concern is that things may get worse for you, and focusing on therapy for your wife - which is outside your control - won't make them better.