BPDFamily.com

It always seems the more work I do, the bigger the gap to bridge.  I keep mentally renewing my desire to work on myself, work on using the tools, improve my relationship, and feel less overwhelmed.  This Saturday was one of those overwhelming emotions of love for her - despite being in the middle of a crisis for her.  I'm not sure what it was, but the anxiety of a social event and she was mostly nasty beforehand.  Yet, I weathered the storm and used the tools, and the event happened, things actually went quite well, we had a great time and I thought to myself "I can do this!"

But of course, it wasn't yet a few hours later when the pent up emotions came out.  And I was to blame for all of it.  Then all the years of shame and failure entered her brain.  Sunday was survival/distraction day for me, and for her turned into the "I see no reason to live" language again.

Today is bad.  Me at work, her crying uncontrollably and telling me she feels like taking a whole bottle of pills.  I went home for lunch just to check on her, and she told me that I can't be the only reason she has to continue living.  She kept making statements about just wanting things to be over.  She probably needs to go back to the hospital.  I'm not sure what to do.  I think she knows she probably needs to go back to the hospital.  But I don't think she wants to.  She acts and talks like she would rather give up.  Should I say, "please, let me take you to the hospital"?  Should I let her figure out what she needs to do and just have faith and pray she makes a healthy decision?  It's hard for me to tell how bad she really is - times like this in the recent past it feels so hopeless, then she finds a friend to hang out with or manages to shower and go out for a bit. 

Boy, I could really use some "me" time.    Her friend whom has been keeping her busy lately is out of town for another week.  Lately, my "me" time is me staying up an hour or two later than her.  It helps.

Max, sorry to hear that … my wife is a NPD and that is the difference.  She doesn't talk about suicide … while her mom is BPD and I have heard her saying that to my wife and I know for sure that was the tactic her mom uses to influence her behavior (controlling).  I can not offer much wisdom to your situation, but can only offer you the support … and sending my well wishes to your way in going through it.  Hope your wife's friend comes back soon to take of some pressure off you. 

Pou - I had a previous GF who definitely had a PD, but probably more NPD.  The main difference between current GF and exGF is that current GF has this shame and self loathing and desire to end it, while ex was completely full of herself.  It was kinda hard to have empathy for the ex. But, with current GF, when she screams and rages, half of me feels hurt, the other half I look at her as a caring good person who has a serious illness.  Very hard to let go.

Have you read the workshops on these topics yet?

Depression and Suicidal Ideation (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0)

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79032.0)

Some ideas that I recall coming from somewhere in there... .

One: Suicide ideation is to be taken seriously, and best handled by professionals.

Two: Calling 9-1-1 is well, pretty intrusive, and may not be necessary in all cases. You may get better support with a local (or even national) suicide hotline--they can talk to you... . or talk to her (if she is willing), and do options of escalating to emergency services if needed.

(I put "A suicide hotline" in my wife's phone directory at one point... . and told her I was doing it. nicely, this is early in the alphabet when spelled this way. Don't think she's called, but she currently is not suicidal and hasn't been for a while. Whew.)

Grey - I did call a suicide hotline once, and they persuaded me to call 9-1-1.  The police weren't very helpful, and if anything made things worse.  But I don't regret calling.  I've told her since that I trust that when things are real bad, she will decide for herself when she needs help.  And she did once - went to the hospital for 10 days.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around, but I can't force her to get help.  The way it feels to me, if suicide is what she wants, eventually it will happen.  But it hasn't happened yet, so right now it's just very low negative talk on her end.  It's like drugs.  They will keep doing what they want to do and there is nothing us loved ones can do about it.  It's up to them to quit/change/etc.  I try to be there for her, and encourage her to seep professional help, but at some point I have to live my life.

After lunch today, she called around and found therapy help - group therapy twice a week for PTSD and DBT, and a female therapist she can meet with.  It was a relief to hear that.  

Max, I am so proud of you in letting her decide for herself.  However, do not ever hesitate to call 911 when YOU, the non-disordered person believes that immediate and critical intervention is called for.  Let your instinct guide you and do not let rationalization over ride that instinct. 

p.s.  Note that I used the term "rationalization" and not "reason":  two different things entirely.

This is a good attitude to have... . within a few limits.


And I disagree with this part... . that is why I have some limits on letting her decide.

What I've read about suicide is that the urge/desire to commit suicide is temporary, but very real, and sometimes very strong. If a person (right now!) really wants to commit suicide, but you get help, i.e. law enforcement or hospitalization that prevents her from committing suicide at this time, the urge will pass.

It may come again, but it won't (normally) be all the time, and days, weeks, or months later, the person will be very grateful to be alive.

I think GreyKitty is right and you should not leave someone who is suicidal to decide for themself! If someone is feeling reallyreally bad inside they are not seeing things clearly, nor right but through extradark glasses and are unable to seek help. Or even if they would be able to function they probably would not see any point in it, anymore. They would see the situation beyond helping. Being so without hope that there is no trust that anything could improve their situation, ever.

My SO is suicidal, sometimes it's more on the surface and sometimes it's there somewhere in the back of his mind. When he falls to this dark void he doesn't even see a point in taking a medication that has been specifically described for him to help overcome the situation without killing himself. He just doesn't think anything helps and sees no point in continuing his miserable life. Once out of the void he doesn't see his life as that bad, it's that temporary but very strong and very real feeling of things being bad and also very strong feeling that they are not going to improve ever.