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(Note:  This tale is a metaphor.  It happened, but, it is a metaphor.  There may be a test at the end.)

On my way to work every morning (well most mornings) I stop in the local little coffee shop for... . well, coffee.  Me and the proprietor became talking buddies a while back.  She liked to share with me tales of woes she was having with one of the customer/friends she has - some dude - and she liked to give me the laundry list of things he did or said which upset her and she wasn't too sure why she lets him come in the shop, or stop by her house, or talk to her on the phone.

Bottom lline is - this guy is an azzhole.  Plan and simple.  But she would go on and on and on about he did that, or he said this, or he said that!  (Oh, she is like 60 years old so she isn't a young whipper snapper immature wet behind the ear kid).

So this goes on for sometime.  One morning I'm in the shop and she is telling me her tale and she reaches under the counter, pulls out a big bottle of vodka and pours it into her coffee - then continues to chat.  I'm all like... . OOHHHH... . I get it. He is an azzhole, and you are a functional alcoholic.   Got it.

Anyway... . time goes on and I pop in less and less (my schedule changed for a bit) - and a little while ago changed back so I've been popping in for a bit more recently.

Well there was a time, a while back I brought in just enough change to get a cup of coffee (I barely rarely ever carry cash and she only takes cash).  But as it turned out I miscounted and was like a dime short.  Told her I would get it to her next time.  No biggie.

That was like forever ago.  I mean, I've been back in for coffee a month of sundays since that day.

Now... . this morning when I came in with the money and gave it to her she looked at me and says something like "Is it all here?"  And I'm like... . uhm, yes.  And she's like "cause you don't always have the right amount".  And i'm like "Uhm, yes I do".  And she's like "oohhh no you don't".

Well a little part of me was very confused.  I know she was talking about that one time a long time ago - but even still, I'm like "Why is this coming up now?"

Then I remembered... . she showed me who she was the morning she poured the vodka in her coffee.  I'm not misremembering anything, nor had that issue not been unresolved.  It was a simple oversight (by like a dime) months and months ago - but for some reason in her juiced up reality, it has happened more times than the once, and no amount of discussion or argument would have ever changed her mind or perspective on what she mis-remembred.

That reality of it happening once has now become larger than life in her juiced up mind and presenting her with the actual facts would mean absolutely nothing.  Much like trying to tell her that azzhole dude was nothing more than an azzhole.

Why is this story a metaphor?

people will show us who they are if we let them 

Gaslighting?

Deflection?

Projection?

She knows that she poured the vodka in her coffee that day.  Emphasizing your shortage of money emphasizes a "character flaw" in YOU so that the "character flaw" in her is either minimized or eliminated... . "Well, I am not bad... . but you are worse!"

 

Awesome replies.

I was going more along the line of "people will show you who they are... so believe them."

My coffee house friend is an active alcoholic with a really diminsihed memory.  For her to somehow bring up a resolved incident and make it active... . well thats on her.  I don't need to get caught up or hung up in her reality (especially if it is skewed because of the prism she sees the world in).

No amount of discussion or logic or fact is ever gonna change her thought that there was only the one time there was a short change (which really wasn't a big deal)... . just like all she can talk about is the other "friend" she has who is an azzhat but she keeps letting him relate with her.

She actually probably really likes the drama - so either I can play a part in it, or just brush that off and know who I'm dealing with (and always bring the correct change... . lol)

I likened this to being in a relationship with someone with a PD. 

I don't mean to suggest that my coffee buddy is anyone I would "get involved" with in a romantic sense, but if you even apply that dynamic to a S/O it stands to reason that if you really allow yourself to know the person you are dealing with (and yourself), your boundaries are stronger and issues which may arise in dysfunctional relationships go bye bye (mostly because you won't put up with the non-sense).