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After almost 7 months NC, I have had many breakthroughs. I will share in the next couple of days. That being said. I had an epiphany today one of hundreds during the past 7 months.

What if they are really "special needs". They have a disorder, we hear the words, and see the behaviors and yet we still expect them to act normal. We project our expectations on them, we care for them so much that we want to make them be the best they can be. But they cant do it. Or they can maintain normal behavior over the long haul.

It may sound simple. but saying they have a disorder for me is not the same as saying they are special needs. Saying they are special needs makes it easier for me to understand their behaviors and why they do and say the things that they do. They cant control themselves like normal people can. They do not have the skills that most people have. So they can't completely help how they act, or what they say or do, and a lot of my pain was from expecting her to react, and feel like I do. To understand my pain and suffering. But what if they simply have no clue because it simply is not possible for them.

special needs

:  the individual requirements (as for education) of a person with a disadvantaged background or a mental, emotional, or physical disability or a high risk of developing one

What do you think?

I think you are processing epiphanies, and reaching a sense of personal understanding.  That said, personally, I shy away from labeling people -- including ourselves (e.g., co-dependent), if only because labels seem to me to be one-dimensional, and human beings are complex entities.

That's not meant as a criticism of what you are saying -- you are reaching an understanding that forces other than willpower are at work (and, frankly, that probably extends to us all).

I look forward to hearing about your other epiphanies.  Congrats on 7 months NC.  It helps us all to interact with where we are, and what we've learned.

What I took out of what you said is that we need more mental health education. We know about the obvious ones like schizophrenia, but very few on here knew anything about BPD. That stuff is relegated to the self-help areas of bookstores, not basic education. So most of us were clueless on how to recognize and deal with it. Then there is the mental health system... .

You see a lot of the mentally ill on the streets and in jail. There's a fundamental problem that is not being addressed. It's swept under the rug.

Not everyone and every situation is cookie cutter as node4 is trying to say. We need to adapt our approach and resolve.

Mutt, I agree with this - a lot of it is a matter of support. My ex, for example: she has had a lot of bad lapses. Tried to kill herself on many occasions. Smart girl, got into a good college, and struggled to keep up through it because of her disorder. The college was understanding and gave her help through her degree. She graduated, albeit with a not-too-good mark. I think she would have been stellar if she wasn't in such a bad mental state.

She has a family whom she moved in with, who made sure she got medical help. She had friends who helped her, and she had money. And if she hadn't had those supports I don't know what she would have done.

Where she is, BPD can be classed as a disability, which means she is eligible for extra benefits, and she had the money to be able to go back to school part-time whilst she dealt with her problems. It doesn't solve everything, of course, but do I think that taxpayers' money was well spent for the extra few grand it took to give her the chance to actually fulfill her potential, maintain the role she wants and will work hard for as a high-functioning member of society? Yep.

yes, my ex falls into the special needs category.

She has had multiple suicide attempts, was sectioned last year by the state and is on maximum benefits from the NHS. To get this they need to classify a person as being incapable of working and functioning properly on their own. Her rent and most fixed overheads are covered and she receives a substantial amount of money too. She even qualifies for home help which she doesn't use. The health system does not give away large sums of money easily so they obviously deem her as a top qualifier.

When I look at it like this I realise that she is very ill and it's no wonder our relationship fell to pieces so quickly. The problem is that I still tried to reason with someone who is incapable of being reasonable and that is insanity in itself. I must have been in dreamland thinking I would be able to hold this down. I live and learn through pain.

It's sad really.

Personality disorders seem to go largely unnoticed in society, it is only those closest to these individuals with PD's that realise that something is definitely not ok with that person.  And sooner or later, if the person with PD has self-sabotaged one too many times, they land up out on the streets, homeless and destitute.

They become substance addicts, and perhaps land up doing crime and if they get caught, they land up in jail.

Unfortunately, there is a total lack of awareness of mental health issues in the country I live in.  I don't even think one could classify my country as a First World country, we are a Developing country sliding back into Third World problems.  Mental health does not seem to feature much here.

In fact, the social conditions here just create ongoing mental health problems in society.  It is really scary.

I really wish that mental health issues would be highlighted more here, and that there would be more support. But that would call for the entire political system here to be revised and different priorities to be set.  Poverty eradication, better education for all, economic growth, better housing conditions, etc to root out the social conditions that lead to families breaking down, violent crime, abuse, and all the negative downward spiral dynamics that create damaged, dysfunctional, mentally ill citizens.

In an ideal world, I do think that people with PD's should be assisted more, but they also need to be empowered and given the choice to attend long-term therapy.  In an ideal world.  Probably not ever going to happen around here.

Lion Fire

You nailed it. Here is my point.

If you say they are crazy, or that they have a disorder, it is very open to interpretation... . open ended. But if you say that they are special needs, it gives you a label and an instant understanding of what that implies, and the overall gravity of your situation. It stops the why did shes, and how could she... . when you realize that you are expecting normal responses and behaviors from someone that has clearly demonstrated that they are not capable of delivering them.

Most of my pain has come the expectations that I had that she knew what she was doing, how much pain she causes, all of the broken promises that she has made, all the while ignoring her past, and seeing that she had a pattern of dysfunction, and yet I saw it and ignored it... . they all indicated that she was in fact "special needs"... . now that being said... . does that make her "special needs" or me... . LOL... .

Its like I am expecting a stone to speak, even though I have seen thousands of rocks in my life... . none have spoken... .

My experiences with her, have never been normal, and always in left field and yet, "i'm like" you are normal, why can't you be normal, please be normal. My pain comes from me trying to make a stone speak, and not realizing that a stone can't speak nor will it ever... . why... . because it is not capable of doing so. Nor can a BPD act or really be normal... . they can't help it. I am placing my normal expectations "template" for people on a person that could never fit into it.

My ex had everything, by everyone's standards, she had it all. Everyone in my life saw that, and sees that she did. But after 7 months she has created how her life was with me here, and projected a reality that never existed. She is believing and reacting to her on fabrications. How is that not special needs? Believing that things that never happened to her, did... . so I think that is a bit more than simply having a disorder.

My real point, saying that they have special needs for me, keeps me from going down the road of expectations from her, which causes me pain. Knowing that she can't really help it, makes me get it through my head that she can't help it, so I stop expecting her to be normal, and my expectations stop, and so does my pain. She can't help it.

After I realized that I am dealing with someone with "special needs" I can then decide if I am up to a life with a person that is in fact "special needs", and all that it entails.

• She cannot promise anything, she can't keep promises.
  
  She cannot hold a job.
  
  She cannot be relied on.
  
  She cannot control her temper.
  
  She may leave whenever she wants for any reason that she invents.
  
  She breaks all of the rules, including rules that she has made for the both of us.
  
  She spends money like crazy.
  
  She rages out on her children.
  
  She hates everyone.
  
  She wants everyones life to revolve around her.
  
  She cyber stalks.
  
  She pranks calls.
  
  She ruines your stuff.
  
  She hoards.
  
  She has promiscuous sex with people.
  
  She lies.
  
  She treats people that love her like crap.
  
  She tells children things that they have no business hearing.
  
  She has no boundaries, but everyone else around her should have them.
  
  She is a reckless driver.
  
  

When I read this, I realized the word "disorder" or "crazy" does not cover it, but if I say "special needs" it instantly encompasses the entire experience.

I am not signing up for it. I cannot give my entire life to another person. Why should I have to? Who do I owe that to?

ihope2

You nailed it

"Personality disorders seem to go largely unnoticed in society, it is only those closest to these individuals with PD's that realise that something is definitely not ok with that person.  And sooner or later, if the person with PD has self-sabotaged one too many times, they land up out on the streets, homeless and destitute.

They become substance addicts, and perhaps land up doing crime and if they get caught, they land up in jail."

I agree, and this was one thing that I missed.

"it is only those closest to these individuals with PD's that realise that something is definitely not ok with that person." her primary caregivers her parents have enabled her for years. It is everyone else. Even though they know something is wrong with her.