BPDFamily.com

I have really been doing well.  I calmed everything down.  Was stopping myself from replying automatically and started validating properly, I was getting a positive response and starting to have her tell me her emotions.  

She was still abusing me and my family verbally and I was stopping it bit by bit.  Just saying, "I know my family have faults but I love them for who they are please don't say that".  

Then she hit a different button, back on the absent father and said I was projecting my issues onto her, said I was also emotionally manic to happy to sad all over the place.  I have been a bit over the place but not manic... .  it was her that she was describing.  

I wasn't ready for this as its been a while and I thought by being there I was proving this to be false.  That and a couple stabs before that hurt I went automatic.  I feel like I just bit in.  

I layed out her abandonment fears and the behaviour logically and chronically way the whole kit and caboodle.   Then invalidated her saying I wouldn't ever run away.  I asked her to explore the emotions behind the behaviour and  not project onto me.  

Painted black automatically. ... .  ARGH

Even reading what I did I feel horrible.   I should have known better than to be so blunt, not about me about her.  I couldn't cope with what she was saying and didn't know how to stop it.  I have removed myself a few times just pausing and stopping the conversation and saying ill think about that for a bit before replying. 

Everything I did is what I have been practicing not doing. 

I let everything I have practiced just fall to the side.  I could see the pain and just didn't know why I did it straight away.  Why did I bite.  I write all of this stuff down to get it out of my system so I don't say it allowed and I bloody laid it out. 

Then its just time to begin a new day... I had a meltdown myself the other night and well... . we spent till 3am on a side road by our apartment with her in a night gown walking herself to a hospital to check into the mental ward as she calls it... . so it happens... each day we are under so much stress to say this do this right and remember all the rules... but if we want to be with our BPDs this is the life we chose... My advise is start the next day as the next day like nothing happen... my BPDw picks up on any dwelling or guilt and will have a hay-day with it... . just continue to love them and relish the times that are good... if you wish to stay with them... . you know when you think about it... its basically the same thing you do when in a relationship with a non... .

So sorry, I think we've all been there.  It's a difficult life we choose and I expect a certain amount of "backsliding" from myself now that I've been at it a while.  Every now and then circumstances create the perfect storm and I lose my cool, it happens.  You're doing the best you can, and yes - tomorrow is a new day.  In fact, every minute we get the chance to choose differently.  I hope you can find some time today to do some self care and do something you enjoy, or something that is good for you.

I'm lucky in the fact that although my uBPDh seems to hold grudges about some "things I've done wrong"(his skewed view, of course), he seems to get over his rage, anger, and hateful things he said during them, much faster than I can. I have to act like it's all fine, but really, how can you just forget such hateful things? He's thrown my being raped, in my face, and other hurtful things.

To him, it's like non of what he did or said during one of his rages(dysregulation), ever happened, yet he can hold grudges over things he "thinks" I did wrong, forever.

I've learned to just "fake it", and act like I'm as over his hatefulness as he obviously is, because trying to rehash it, or talk about it, just brings on another rage. He doesn't want to work on the rage, and it's easier to blame me. His doctor just upped his meds, and he is at least open to seeing a Psychiastrist, so I have some hope, but I know realistically, it's going to be ME who has to keep enduring, because this is a disorder, and it won't just go away.