BPDFamily.com

The only thing I'm sure of in this whole situation is that I've done everything I can and then some.  I'm not ever going back to that r/s (16yrs with ex, 2 kids).  :)uring the following events, I was raising 2 little kids basically alone and holding down a full time career, successfully (no surprise here, I'm a social worker now, started out in big business when we met so I'm educated and career driven).  I'm one of those women that never thought she'd be dealing with anything like this, much less have stayed for so many years.  I never, ever judge anyone else for their relationship.

Just to give highlights and not make this uber long, here is my list of events that killed my sanity with him (remember, I took him back/stayed with him during all of them):

1. Used cocaine to self-medicate himself over the loss of his grandfather, the only person ex felt he could talk to.  This lasted almost a year (my son was a baby at this time, we had been together for 5yrs previously with no problems, no obligations, just him and I).  The final straw was ex emptying our bank account on a cocaine fuelled adventure. He came home to his suitcase on the front porch and "screw you" on a piece of paper stuck to the front.  He went to rehab for a week and I stupidly let him come home.

That lull lasted about a year and a half, long enough to get pregnant with our second.


2.  He started drinking heavily.  He learned not to disappear overnight (like when he was doing cocaine) because I made that a condition of him coming back home.  But he'd show up at midnight, drunk, and either try to pick a fight or pass out in bed.


Then he admitted he had some sort of mental health issues, he started seeing a shrink, had bad reactions to medications prescribed, the works.  His dx includes PTSD, ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder and Addiction Tendencies (not the proper term, sorry).  But I now believe BPD is in the mix too.  


I got a job offer in another city, the city he always wanted to live in.  He was drinking on and off, tapering off his meds without telling anyone.  We moved.  There are more resources here for Mental Health so I figured it would be a good move on all fronts.

3.  About 3 months after the move, ex started acting shady, not coming home til the wee hours in the night, all his money would "disappear" via strange circumstances (that he would try to pass off as his reason).  I recognized the signs of drug usage.  I confronted him in December.  He cried and admitted it, swore it would never happen again, etc.

4.  I decided to make an actual decision about my life right around mid-March 2013. Ex seemed to be clean but awfully surly.  I let ex know that I was contemplating time apart.  He seemed to take it ok.  Turns out he had already found a replacement after I confronted him about the drug use (I think it was way earlier, but for the sake of argument I'll accept January).  He moved out in April to his girlfriends house.  He begged and pleaded for one more chance from me in June.  By July, I had let him convince me to try one more time.

5.  We come to March 2014.  He was acting shady again so I decided to snoop through his phone.  The only time I did that in 16 yrs was when I suspected he had a girlfriend last year (it confirmed he did).  I found that he was actively sexually communicating with at least 6 women in our local area.  Since the week we got back together.  Something in my brain snapped.  I thought "what the hell am I doing?" and told him he had 30 days to vacate as I was putting our notice in that day (we rented month to month).  We lived together for an uncomfortable month and ultimately we are now both in our own apartments.  The kids live with me and see their father once a week, his choice.  

All this leads up to why he says he did everything he did after he stopped using cocaine - because I didn't give him love and attention.  He refuses to acknowledge that I did not have time to heal from his drug use so I pulled away.  So he drank to cope, I pulled away further and ultimately he turned to other women.  We'd still have sex and stuff but I never did trust him on the same level since then.  Inviting other women into my marriage was the nail in the coffin.

He's been pleading with me all day to reconsider.  He wants a year to "prove to me" he can be trusted.  I don't want that, at all.  I want him to move on to someone else.  But he's not hearing me, not actually reading my reply to his rambling of love.  I actually wrote him "I want you to find happiness with someone else", he actually read "I want someone else (I meaning Me)."  

I'm lost.  :)o I just not address it?  Our son is having supper with him (his night to visit) so I'm forced to see him tonight.  I was thinking that I should text him "we will not be discussing this at pick up, I need some time to think" but I don't want him thinking he has a chance.

Help!

Greetings.  Sounds like you are at the "end of your rope".  

Most of us here struggled with the practical aspects of healthy boundaries and often (myself included) allowed those even "mushy" boundaries to be pushed and pushed until our words meant little anymore.  Our "this is the last time... . ", ends up becoming a broken record, because we are really not prepared to deal with enforcement of our boundaries, with actions.  Over time those violating our boundaries don't even believe that they are boundaries anymore, because we have allowed them to violate them time-and-time again.

It sounds like he really doesn't believe that you will go through with "enforcement" (via leaving or whatever), because he has gotten his way in the past.  Most of us here did the same, and then yelled and screamed when it continued.

It seems you have a difficult decision to make, one that is likely going to be challenged over and over, if you are done and follow through this time, because he gotten his way in the past.  It is up to each one of us to enforce our boundaries and I realized with my own life, why it often had so much heartache.  I let people push them until they didn't exist and then screamed "foul".

There is a lot of great information here about boundaries and many books that are great too.  Most of us were just never taught them, or worse were raised in environments where they didn't exist.  We just didn't know.

Peace to you

Good points. 

I physically moved out of the house and I guess I'm puzzled that he somehow feels that there is a chance?  Because this is the first time I've physically moved and it's a new boundary for him to try and push through?  I hate this game and I hate that I still struggle to stop playing it.  One step at a time.

The practicality of co parenting with him are starting to wear thin.  I do a quick pick up and drop off because it always appears he just wants to speak with me and not the kids.  The kids say once I've left they seem to have a good time with their dad, but when I'm there ex is trying to get my attention.  It's very draining. 

I have to pick up my son in half an hour.  I've decided to text ex that I won't be talking about this tonight to give myself some more breathing space.  Just because he wants an answer (that he's gotten time and again, but I digress) today doesn't mean I owe him one.  A ridiculous request doesn't require thought by me tonight.

My how I have come to hate the utter chaos to the utter calm.  Preferable to the chaos but truly messes with my emotions. 

I texted him letting him know I just wanted a happy and peaceful exchange.  He texted back that he was sorry, he didn't mean to act up that way.  He says he's been having weird dreams and he called me earlier just after he had woken up.  When my daughter and I picked up my son, ex was happy as could be, just him and our son taking the dog for a walk (when we split, we each took a dog with us.  He got the high strung puppy he insisted on bringing home 18 months ago, I got the calm and laid back older female.)

I think he may have needed an emotional release.  I'm hoping that's the case.  In terms of intensity it was a 10 but lasted for only a few hours, as opposed to days. I'll take that as a win for now.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but for tonight I can sleep at ease.  I'm exhausted.

The kiddos and I sang along to the radio all the way home.  It was peaceful.  No one was upset, we were all smiling.  It's too bad BPD still has a big effect, but I feel good that they are shielded from a lot of it now.  They "get" their dad and know they are allowed to express their emotions no matter how it may make myself or my ex feel.  They get to own their feelings.  They know they matter.

Off to bed.  Thanks.  Have a good night.