BPDFamily.com

First off I want to just note that the support on this board is amazing. So much knowledge to be shared. Anyway I haven't spoken to my brother who is nonBPD for over 8 months now because his uBPD wife refuses to let us have a relationship. I can't even begin to tell you all how hurtful this is but I'm sure quite a few of you know. Recently he reached out to me. He's been seeing a therapist and his therapist told him he shouldn't let anyone stand in the way of him speaking to his family. He told me he wanted to have a relationship but it would have to be "secret" while he figured out how to deal with his wife.  I agreed but shortly after reneged my agreement. I know it was probably wrong of me but after thinking about it for a few weeks (in which we didn't speak) I realized that I was having a relationship on "her" terms and not mine. Basically I told him that I'm not going to go out of my way to contact him but I will always here for him. I didn't want the burden of know she may threaten him, destroy his personal belongings, or otherwise hurt or punish him, because hie spoke to me. I was also hoping my email, would push him to tell her that he wanted to make amends but instead I was ignored. I saw them these past two weekends at family functions and he didn't even say hello to me, my son or my husband. I am so hurt I can't even explain it.

The issue is, I'm planning a surprise party for our mother for her 60th birthday. My mom has already started saying she doesn't want one because she will be too upset if my brother won't be there. My mom is the best. She deserves to have a great party. She's been through enough in the past few years. I know however, there's no way his wife will let him come to a party that I'm in charge of and I hate to be this way, but she's not welcome in my home.

I've tried contacting him but all my contact is ignored in fear she will explode on him. I have NC with her whatsoever, but now I'm thinking of contacting her since my brother is too afraid of her wrath. I want to do it in the most safe yet assertive way. I want her to know she's not going to stand in between me and my family. Yet at the same time I don't want to go too far but I don't want her to think she's in charge or has anything over me. It's such a fine line and I don't know how to walk it. How do you deal with BPD's? How do you get your way? Is it even possible? Help!

The theory suggests if you want a BPD to come on board, that you allow them to take ownership. You must allow them to think planning a party is their idea, etc... . but that may not be what you're wanting to hear. For example, I had a customer who's very BPD and a bad payer. If I say you've paid late - they would sulk and simply not pay. If I say, "Remind me again what payment terms we agreed?" they then realise they're late and pay. Needless to say, I got rid of that customer. There is also the SET approach Sympathy Empathy and Truth that is recommended with BPD. So sneaking behind the BPD back, can be dangerous - but depends on the BPD I guess.

Best of Luck. My bro is a N and mom is BPD. So when I went NC then low contact, I said I would only visit if my sister and her family came. My sister is the "Lost Child" so always ignored. This stipulation means that my BPD mom now encourages my sister to visit. It also dilutes her aggression and power base when we're there. Still only meet once or twice a year - plenty. Could your Mom persuade your Brother to a party - or does BPD completely dominate?

Hi, Youcantfoolme, and  *welcome*

Thanks for sharing a little bit about your situation with us. It must be hard to feel you can't have a relationship with your brother. I can tell you are worried about him and also that you are working to take care of your own boundaries as well. It sounds like you may feel you are in a battle of wills with your SIL. Do you think that is a fair statement?


We have a variety of tools here that can help when communicating with someone who has BPD, such as Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0). S.E.T. is a good tool to use when you want to help the other person feel heard and understood while asserting a truth. DEARMAN can be helpful when you want to ask for something specific.

What result are you wanting to achieve by confronting your SIL?

Wishing you peace,

PF

Ok maybe my post was a little confusing. It's hard to explain without writing a whole book! Lol! I'm sorry but there's no way I can make the party look like it's their idea! It's being held at my house and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't care either way because she doesn't give a crap about my family!

Anyway to answer your question, what I'm trying to accomplish by confronting her is her allowing my brother and I to have a relationship void of her. I don't like her, she doesn't like me but that doesn't mean my brother and I shouldn't be allowed to talk. Since he won't confront her because he's terrified of her wrath, I figured I would. I have NC with her for over 8 months. Really ever. I hardly knew her when her and my brother got engaged last sept. They had only been dating a short amount of time. We were lucky enough to have a family member who lives next door to one of her ex-boyfriends and apparently that's her MO. She rushes men and pressures them into making commitments right away. I guess to secure them so a) she has supply (that's the narc in her) and b) so the "real" her can come out. Anyway I just want her to know that she can try all she wants. I will ALWAYS be there for my brother.

Do you think this approach is likely to convince her to change her behavior?