BPDFamily.com

I found one of the topics on here (can't find it again) about attachment and have been reading two books on Attachment in Couples:

"Attached"

"Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a lifetime of love" by Sue Johnson

They have been amazing. Had a real heart to heart last night with my uBPDfiancee and we were able to connect on a level of understanding that we have never had.  I have 'avoidant' tendencies and she has 'anxious' tendencies.  Which is a pretty difficult combination.  And she was able to hear me when I placed myself in the same category as she is, not skillful at times.

I highly recommend these books. Would love to talk more about them.  Maybe someone can link the other attachment theory thread to this one?

Is this link the discussion you mentioned?  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=226082.0


Thanks for the leads to the books!

I recently found out about attachment styles on the boards here, and strongly believe that having a BPD parent predisposes one to having an insecure attachment style. 

I think my wife and I are the reverse of you and your fiancée.  I am the anxious one and my wife probably avoidant, and I have difficulty communicating this situation to her.  Being the anxious one, I have been adjusting myself to control my anxiety and so be more "secure."

If you don't mind my question, how did you 'place yourself in her category' to help her 'hear you?'

I placed myself in the category of 'also insecure (avoidant)' while she is insecure (anxious). 

So I am not blaming it all on her or saying she is the entire problem.  Which is what the diagnosis of BPD can do, say that the BPD is the problem and she has to fix herself.

To me, recognizing my own faults and insecure ways of relating make it about me and not about her.

Does that help?

Hi Asian son,

I am interested in you saying that you are taking the approach to work on yourself about the insecure/anxious attachment.

I too tested insecure/anxious and would like to relate to my gf better.  I was wondering what resources if any u have used?

Are you working only on yourself, or are you simultaneously trying to relate to your wife in her attachment style as well?

Hi Allmessedup,

I haven't found anything for me to follow directly, and therapy is not possible b/c my wife doesn't accept it (although we have tried). 

So I am kind of winging it with a combination of self-control or mindfulness in the sense that I pay attention to my own emotional state and reactions to NOT be the definition of insecure/anxious.  The goal is to instead maintain a secure style as the emotional state.  Examples include catching myself when I start to get "clingy" or "needy," and controlling my reaction when closeness/intimacy isn't available or returned. 

In theory, this should help me relate to my wife's insecure/fearful-avoidant style, where she wants emotionally close relationships and yet tends to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness.  For example, I try to return her interest in closeness when she is comfortable with it. 

Do you have a similar situation?

t hasn't been easy b/c my wife does not acc

Hi Asian son

What you describe sounds very familiar:)

I too am working on my attachment issues... . needy, clingy... . And simultaneously trying to be cognizant and understanding of hers.  It's not easy!  It takes a tremendous amount of mindfulness and work on my part.

But I can only change myself.

My gf was dx decades ago and has done years of therapy so she has the skills.  Her biggest issue can be remembering to use them!  She also is afraid of being thought of as crazy so being delicate in pointin such things out is essential for me.

Mostly I just keep working on me.  Attachment theory has given me quite a bit of insight into myself as well as her though:).  And what I am trying to do *seems* to be helping.

Does your wife respond positively?

Amu

I just realized that something went wrong with my last post. 

The last sentence was "It hasn't been easy b/c my wife does not accept avoidant as part of her personality."

So the short answer is that she has only responded positively to the idea that it is all about me and that it is me who must adjust or adapt.  Of course this strikes me as an indication that she does NOT have a secure style, but on the other hand, I cannot rule out the possibility that she was once more secure and has developed an insecure type. 

Similarly, I may have been more secure once and have become more insecure over time.  I believe it is possible for the stresses and tensions of life to cause a shift toward insecurity.  This gives me hope that it is reversible.   

One of the first books I read when I arrived at bpdfamily in 2009 (parent of BPDDD, now age 28 - she was dx in 2009) was "The High Conflict Couple" by Alan Furzzetti. Here is a link to the review:  https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/high-conflict-couple

This did not do much for my relationship with my DD at that time. It did help me with my r/s with my hubby. This is DBT based and even though my DH refused to read it, my changing how I responded to him changed our r/s in many positive ways - little by little. This allowed us to find unity in coping with all the drama and trauma surrounding my BPDDD. I have a tendency toward the anxious type and he is more the avoidant type. I try to remember this theory is only one way of looking at who I am.

The other books I have been into relate to raising my gd9. She has always lived in our home. Dh and I have had primary care since 8 mos. and legal custody at 18 months. Still can be a battle with DD about our 'stealing her daughter". So attachment therapy has become part of my life with gd. Her T is training to be certified in 'Attachment Based Family Therapy". Daniel Hughes is the key behind this. His newest book is his first for adult relationships. I had the privilege of participating in a one day workshop last fall with him. Here is a summary of that book:

8 Keys to Building Your Best Relationships (8 Keys to Mental Health)

Daniel A. Hughes (Author), Babette Rothschild (Foreword)

Book Description

Publication Date: October 14, 2013 | ISBN-10: 0393708209 | ISBN-13: 978-0393708202 | Edition: 1

Bringing attachment theory essentials to everyday life.

A revolution is under way in how we understand the nature of relationships, how we develop in those relationships, and how our brains function synergistically in connection with others. This field is known as attachment theory, and until now most of the cutting-edge insights have been written in “researcher-speak” and reserved for neurologists, psychologists, and others in the healing professions.

Here veteran therapist and specialist in attachment disorders Daniel A. Hughes demystifies the research for lay people. By summarizing in short, easy-to-read “keys” the theory and brain science that underpin our ability to form relationships, he skillfully reveals how we can become better friends, spouses, siblings, and children. For anyone interested in how to develop meaningful new relationships or how to deepen and enrich their current ones, this book makes sense of it all.


The more I have been exposed to attachment theory, the stronger I feel that it is a key to many relationship issues along a wide functional spectrum. Attachment starts prenatal and is most intensely developed in early childhood. The good thing is our brains have 'plasticity' so change is always possible, even for people with personality disorders - on the extreme end of that spectrum.

So many of the tools and skills here at bpdfamily are supported by attachment theory throughout life. I think we will be hearing more in this area.

qcr