BPDFamily.com

Yesterday was a bad day.  My exBPDgf that I care very much for had a meltdown over... . taco seasoning.  I saw her last week and brought over (for the fridge) taco shells, ground beef, refried beans, cheese, salsa... .   Long story short, yesterday she tried to make tacos and couldn't find the taco seasoning.  Searched everywhere.  Apparently, this was an oversight on my part.  She went beyond frustrated and went ballistic - to the point the neighbors called the police because she was yelling so loud (at me on the phone, at her son who was in the house). 

I feel so GUILTY.  As much as I know it was freaking TACO SEASONING, and did not deserve nearly the inflamed response from her it provoked, I still feel very guilty.  And it scares me that such a little thing could set her off after several very good months of "normalcy".   She apologized but it still weighs on me.  TACO SEASONING.  Really?

Anybody else have their BPD significant other trigger over NOTHING?

"Hi sweetheart, how's your day ... . blah, blah, blah

love you... . and guess what do I have for you tonight, teddybear ... .

... . oh I cant remember why I phoned you

mmmmmm ... . oh yes ... . where did you put the taco

sauce my sweet "

This is what we want ... .

this is what we need ... .

this is how it should be ... .

this is how it never will be ... .

The choice is ours... .

 

Its not about the issue, the issue is just tangible words to express untangible feelings.

Dont try to fix the issue, address her mood. Trying to fix issues like this to her means you are not noticing her emotions.

BPD meltdowns cant be expressed appropriately in words by someone experiencing them, so it comes out in the form of dysregulated chaos.

Waverider, I need to remember this.  Yesterday's issue was, am having a hard time remembering, about me asking why she has not set up the voicemail on her phone (this has been going on for about 8 months, no voicemail).  I made two comments about it, back to back, about my frustration, and it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. 

She accused me of ruining her fine day she was having and said she was completely centered until I came home and messed it all up. I validated and stated I would not bring up the voicemail issue again.  It really was not about the voicemail and she was able to quickly bring it under control (only about 10 minutes) and it did not ruin our evening like it might have a couple of months ago.

She is in therapy (not for BPD, does not think she has it, has not been formally diagnosed) and we are in couples therapy.  I was able to speak in attachment language and validate and try to get to the bottom of what she was feeling and she was able to stop the flooding and get back to center.

This is a learning process for me.  I could have made that situation ruin the entire evening because of the way she was speaking to me, if I had gone with her delivery instead of the dysregulation underneath and the need for connection with me.

Me focusing on connecting with her and listening to her distress, validating that and supporting her need for connection with me, I believe, is what calmed it down last night.  We will see, have a vacation coming up this week, complete chaos will ensue.  I hope to be able to keep my cool.  :)

Hi PullToEject,

Oh yes, I see this happen with my BPDh.  Since coming here I have learned (although I don't always remember when it is going on) that what he says is the problem (taco seasoning) when he is dysregulated is not really the problem.  It's just what he grabbed onto as a device to attempt to expel the painful emotions he is having at the moment.

I am more concerned about your feelings of guilt.  What exactly is it you feel guilty about?